Engage and Embrace

I want to engage in all my strengths and embrace all my passions. 

Last Stretch.

59 days left until I officially become a mother, craziness.

One thing that has been fascinating through this whole process thus far is that there is actually a live human being growing inside my body. I can feel him moving and growing bigger as each week passes. I've been noticing that I've been walking funnier each week as well.

Although I wish I could've had more time to relax and just appreciate this time of pregnancy, I feel like I've put the thought of being a mother (but just mentally preparing myself) on the back burner and trying to accomplish whatever that needs to be accomplished as soon as possible for this baby comes out.

I realize that I'm a little crazy for trying to kill myself to try to graduate and complete as many internship hours as I could in such a short period of time, and I acknowledge that it's nearly impossible for me to graduate in May because I still have so many face to face hours left, but I'm going to still shoot for it and overwork myself until the day I pop. I honestly just don't want to think about the idea of school and studying and meeting demanding deadlines anymore after this baby comes out. If I have to, I'll try to graduate in August, but one step at a time and I'll worry about that until I get there.

There are lots of people close to me that are going through some major life transitions as well and I feel sad that I am unable to be there for them and spend a little more time with them as they move onto the next season of life. One of my mommy friends is moving to Panama in less than 10 days and I have yet to stop by her place to visit her, say hi to her, bid her farewell. She's actually giving me a handful of baby hand-me-downs and it sucks that I'm not able to just spend more time with her and just appreciate her for her.

Although other people may think that's inconsiderate of me, I can only do so much and unfortunately this season hasn't been the easiest one in terms of maneuvering around my time and energy. By the time I get home every day, I'm mentally and physically drained, not even being able to give any energy or attention to the significant other.

I decided to draw out a map for myself to remind myself in the future when I look back at this to see what I often put myself through.

 

This is roughly what my daily schedule looks like. In the future, if I ever look for another job, I'm going to remind myself never to find a job that's too far away from home. I'm tired of commuting at least 1.5 hours everyday just to get to my destination. Although I can make use of my time by sleeping, praying, reading the Bible, reading a book, or studying, it's not the ideal place to do any of that. I guess my only "me-time" is on the train, the only time I get peace and quiet and do whatever I want to do without much distraction, so it is appreciated but again, not the best place to do it at. Everyday, I feel like I'm running around from one thing to the next, not much time to breathe, not much time to squeeze in social life, and whatever free time I have, I try to use it to do something productive, if not, then I'll just sleep.

In less than a month is my comps -- I've been trying to study but it's been pretty difficult to retain all this information and names that look the same. It is only by God's grace that I'm going to pass this exam.

 

I have 150 internship hours to complete in the next 7 weeks. That means I need to see about 11 clients a week without them cancelling and do about 10 additional administrative hours a week. Not sure how that's going to be achieved, but by God's grace, I'll be as close as I can get so that I can at least get an incomplete, and graduate by August. If I can't graduate by May, I'm not going to kill myself over it, I did what I can.

 

The other has been picking up my slack in terms of prepping for messages on Fridays and Sundays. That saves me a lot of time to try to do some other things. I do wish that I had more time to clean and make room to prep for the baby when the baby comes, but thus far, it's been pretty difficult to do that. I know that in the next couple of weeks, the senior pastor is going to be a little more lenient on me and not require me to always come in on Saturdays so that I could get some rest. During that time, I hope to be able to clean a little and just get some rest.

It's bummer because whatever little available time I have, I don't bother making plans with people lately because it's just difficult to spread myself thinner than I already am, but by God's grace, if he will allow me, all of this will get done!

This entry was just for me to vent to myself about how much I'm doing in so little time so that I can remind myself how ridiculous I am sometimes. God, I hope that eventually, I'll be able to balance my life in a more healthy and life-giving way.
 

Little Encouragement

There are many times where I'm tired and exhausted and weary and drained because of all the responsibilities that I am carrying, these times are one of them. This semester, I'm doing whatever I can to push myself to finish this internship because I just want to be over with this masters degree to be able to focus on the baby when he comes out. Anyway, I have anxiety over not being able to obtain enough clients and these snow days aren't helping at all. At the same time, since I have that horrible mentality of wanting to finish, sometimes it's hard to see if I'm making any sort of impact or help in any of my clients life because I'm so busy dealing with a thousand other things in life. But just a couple of minutes ago, I got an email from a client that didn't come back this semester. I've been seeing her just about every week for a year and a half. And there were many times, times were so hard even I doubted if there was any hope for her. But she sent me this email:

Hey Joan,

I wanted to share with you that last week I shared my entire testimony with the girls I am working with. It's still surreal to me that I was able to trust a group of females enough to be completely honest with. I wanted to thank you for always encouraging me, and for being patient with me through this journey.  You, better than anyone, know I have been looking forward to the day I would be able to stand and tell people my true story. I was more amazed at the fact I was also able to do it with very few tears, and I know I couldn't have gotten here without your help. 

Thank you again! 

Little things like this make what I do worth it, just those little things. It's worth it to sometimes to go that one extra yard and be tired if someone else was positively impacted by it. In the meantime, God, please give me strength, I can't do this on my own.

Weighed Down

As great as life is going right now, I feel weighed down, I feel tired, I feel annoyed. I'm blessed with so many different things in life but at the same time, I feel burdened with all these things in life and I don't know how to handle it. (If anyone is reading this, and if you're a person who likes to comment on things, please refrain and keep your comments to yourself, I'm just venting). I know God's telling me to just give it up to him, but my stubborn self just won't let go and I allow myself to be burdened with all these ridiculous things. And it's just really annoying. I obviously can't handle it but I won't let it go and I'm still trying to find my own way to solve things. I mean, I'm not superhuman, and never will be and definitely don't feel like one. I am in no way capable of handling everything that's on my plate right now. I don't even know how I live from week to week. Every week passes by and I'm not sure how I was able to go through with it, there's just so much going on and balancing is just... heavy. I don't go home with a smile on my face everyday, I go home tired, drained, just wanting to hit the haysack. I don't go home and give the other any of my energy because frankly, I really don't have any. I haven't been doing any house chores whatsoever, the other has been doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping for stuff, and all the things I almost consider extra because I've never really allowed time and space for that in my life. And then I give him heat for the stuff I feel like he could be doing better at. And when I occasionally meet up with friends, I'm giving whatever left over is left, whatever smile on my face I have left. I just want one day to just relax with the other, not doing anything that has to do with goals and meeting needs, but instead, just meet our own needs for once. I'm giving so much of me to so many different areas in my life and yet it still doesn't feel like enough because there's so many more places to give. But I have nothing left to give, and I realize it more and more in ministry, I just don't have that capacity that I used to when I was in HS and college. Life's not the same anymore and I'm not sure how to go about it. Don't get me wrong, yes I am happy, I am blessed, but just these past couple of weeks have been seemingly getting harder. The other is doing the same thing, he's literally giving his time to everyone else. I'm actually not sure what he does on a daily basis, but for all I know, every time I talk to him, he's always giving someone his time, energy, money and whatever it is. Recently, he's been coming home tired and drained too and as great as reaching out to people is, it sucks. It sucks because there's no balance. Since I've picked up another duty in life, we have vacuumed and cleaned the entire house probably once the past three-four months. Since high school, it's always been school, work, ministry, internship and family and home has always been put on the back burner. And I'm not sure when it's ever going to stop looking like that. Even for Thanksgiving Day, I just found out the other already made plans with people, and yes although its great to reach out to all these different people who don't have families here with them during holiday season, I'm thinking..my family probably feels like they have no family to be with either because the last time we spent time with each other was like... never. It's such a bad habit for people in ministries. They always forsake their families, and until this day, my parents are still just as busy as they were 10 years ago, and both me and them, we have not made time for each other. I don't like it, I don't believe life should be this way, I believe there's more to life than just draining yourself and wearing yourself thin. That's not God-honoring, that's not being a good steward. Now that we're going to be parents soon, it just frustrates me thinking that we might possibly be giving birth to a kid that we probably won't have much time for because we're always involved in something. That's exactly what happened to us, that's exactly what happened to me when I was a kid and I don't want it to be that way.

I think it's God honoring when people set boundaries to cultivate and tend to all areas of life, that includes home, health, spirituality, whatever it is. It is so encouraging when if I were to one day hear "Sorry, I won't be available today because I've committed to spend time with my wife/husband, or to spend with my family today. Today is off limits for everyone else." Just like how we make Sundays off limits for God and his people and we don't do anything else that day besides God-related duties, I believe that's how we should be for all different areas of life. It would be so amazing to hear that people have the time to exercise and maintain their health because their body is not their own and they want to honor God with their body. It would be so awesome if people didn't just spend all day everyday hanging out, although that's great, just spending time with each other and stuff, but it would be amazing to see people encourage each other, build each other up, spur each other on with love and good deeds. Instead of keeping prayer and spending time with God the last thing to do on a daily basis, what if everyone was consistently in prayer and spending time with God all day long and including God in all areas of life. I feel weighed down because theres just simply no balance, no communication, just drain.

I chose a profession where I'm going to be dealing with people for the rest of my life, whether it's my professional career or ministry related stuff. I often think, what did I get myself into. My life motto is "Love God and Love People" but it's definitely going to be something I won't perfect for a very long time and it's only by God's grace that I have any strength to love him or his people whatsoever.

Everyday feels like catch up. Besides my work related duties -- since I'm there 40 hours a week, I'm always on top of my game, I'm always ahead of everything and get everything done in a very reasonable and efficient manner. But with everything else in life... it's always been catch up and I want that to change but that means I have to give up more things. What can I give up in this season of my life right now? I'm not sure. I'm more than halfway done with this internship, it would be so useless to not complete this degree although I may not be using it for anything, but it's one major thing that it draining me as well. I don't want to go to work anymore because it's not even something I enjoy doing and I don't even get paid well, but I just really appreciate the experience and the people I work with even though they are probably people I won't hang out with outside of work. For all the things I want to do, I don't get to do and I don't get to finish or accomplish or engage in. One day, God, one day. This has to be training ground for something and I know I definitely have not mastered it.

God's Favor

I'm not the type to typically celebrate birthdays although I am always blessed to have people around me who do. Little gestures do just make me reflect on how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who know how to love and appreciate. It's never something I expect and as a matter of fact, I know I don't even deserve any of it. In my times of weakness, I still see God's favor in my life through the people he's placed in my life. 

The other bought me to a restaurant that cost an arm and a leg. Although it's somewhere I would never personally bring myself to because I hardly think it's worth it to throw down such a large amount, I appreciate the thought, consideration and all that is behind it. As much as I nag at him, point at his flaws and bad habits, I am grateful to have an awesome and God-honoring husband. 

It's always a tradition to celebrate birthdays with coworkers. I'm grateful to have such a great team of people to work with. As much as I hate traveling to the city everyday and I just dislike sitting in an office all day and working on numbers and boring figures, I'm grateful for a great work environment.

I've been married for 1.5 years now and there are still tons of people that I have yet to invite over my place. Since the bestie so lovingly offered to cook for a small group of people, I decided to invite people that I've never really invited plus a couple that I talk to more often. 

Childhood friends are always people to count on and grow old with. It's been over 15 years with them, we only see each other a couple times a year, but I'm glad that we can always celebrate each others special occasions with one another.

My youth group surprised me with a small gift and cake a couple of days after the birthday. It was pretty embarrassing since they sang during lunch time in front of the older folk whom I don't know and am not the most comfortable with. I'm really honored to be shepherding over them during this season, as hard as it is.

There are some other groups that I didn't really get a chance to even catch up with or meet up with during this season due but holiday season, here we come. 

Well, here's to another year. I'm officially finished my mid-twenties and now entering my late twenties with a bunch of new chapters in life.