Bad sleep

I've been having really bad sleep lately. Part of me can't wait until summer is over 

- summer missions 

- summer retreat

- serving opportunities

- new volunteer recruitments

- new training

- new curriculum

- new resources

- new students

So many things to think about and so little time. I'm excited but I'm stressed because I can't handle it all at once. Covering for the other this week while in Indonesia doesn't help.

I'm thinking about too many things at once which is causing to not depend on God for the help and the wisdom. I need God. He's providing me with these opportunities, in Christ I can do all things. God, please help me to know my boundaries and to know how to spend time with you as in doing your work. 

What to do.

I regularly talk to people in the youth group about their faith and their struggles. When I do, I go home always feeling so much burden but eagerness yet appreciation that God would use a person like me, not skilled, not enough knowledge to walk alongside with people. It drives me crazy because I wish I had the expertise in certain things but I just feel lacking in every aspect. I think to myself - would I give it all up to do this for them fill time and be there for them? Absolutely. They are worth every single minute. To see that I have even a small step in their lives to lead them just a little closer to Christ or have them still in faith even after they go on to college, wow. Why would God use such a person like me? 

Then I think to myself, why don't I just give it all up. And in the practical sense, there are so many reasons why I am obtaining another job or am aspiring to obtain another job, but what am I to do, God? I need help. 

Employed three months.

I've been employed at this place for the past three months. After being here, I've finally made the decision that I'm never again going to accept a job that I don't care about or cannot learn from or just any job. From here on out, I will only accept jobs and apply to jobs that I can utilize my skills, passions and things I find meaningful in. I started the job looking process in the counseling field after much thought because being employed in the church full time his highly unlikely for a variety of reasons, and I know the process is going to be pretty hard because of my lack of experience but I'm praying that God would provide me a job that I would be able to excel and enjoy in, one that is not too strenuous and require more than 40 hours a week so that I can still spend time with family and serve in church and have enough vacation days to have some me-time and also plan church retreats/conferences and training. It's a high request, but he knows what I need.

Overworked.

There has been so many things happening lately but haven't taken the time out to blog.

There are sometimes I just wish I had a normal life where I could work a regular 40 hours a week, go home and spend time with my son and actually be a mother and perform mother duties and have other side duties but not with the amount of responsibilities I have now. At the same time, I appreciate what I do because I do a lot because I'm actively speaking into the lives of so many people. It's upsetting because there's so much responsibility and so much to accomplish and hardly a day just to stop and rest and take care of myself. I sometimes feel guilty not accomplishing something in a given day but I shouldn't because I shouldn't be overworking myself to this capacity. I'm giving myself away to so many people but have nothing to give at the end of day to my family and friends. I spend all my time planning so many different things but I can't even plan or prepare for any of my own personal life things. I acknowledge that my life is not my own but I can't help to think I'm not being a good steward to my own body but is it possible to change how life is or will it potentially look like this forever? I really pray for God's wisdom, help and direction.

Why I Fear Having a Baby Again

So many people are having babies lately and the other has asked if its possible to give baby a sibling already. I've said no on various occasions and after much thought, I realized why I fear having a baby again.

Pregnancy was great. Delivery was great. Post-partum was not. And then I realized why. I brought the baby out a week after delivery. I went to hooding and graduation 2 weeks after the baby was born. And I continued to go out and stress my body out in the mist of the recovery period. I got sick a handful of times. My knees were aching like crazy for months. It was just hard. It was during the summer season and the other constantly had the AC on and I'm very sensitive to that to begin with. Being an overachiever and stubborn person did not work in my benefit and it ended up taking a toll on my body. This is the reason why I'm so hesitant on having a second one. But if and when I do, I have learned my lesson and will stay home until I can't stay home anymore.