Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Afraid for more.
"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2
Inner thickness -- insensitivity -- being unaware, out of touch, lacking in insight, failing to pay attention, thick, dull, sluggish, one who is virtually blind toward others, failing to feel other's feelings, think others'
thoughts, sense others' needs. -- It's painful, its damaging to our relationships, and it grieves our God. To be thick is understandable. To be thick and tired of it is commendable. To be thick and tired of it but unwilling to change is inexcusable.
To carry each other's burdens = mutual forbearance and compassion towards each other.
For the longest, I've been carrying so many burdens of others, maybe all on my own, hence the reason why I get so stressed out by the end of it all.
Recently I've been tired, I want to continue to carry the burdens of others, but at the same time I don't want to at all because it's too heavy and I can't do this on my own. I've been afraid to make new friends and get closer to them because it feels like there would be an extra load on my shoulders -- one more
person to call, one more person to take care of, more to add on my list of "people to be cared for." It almost seems as if it's an ongoing list of tasks and that's not what I want it to be.
On Thursday I was with the girls. We spoke about the next steps after sharing and opening up our lives to one another. In the summer we were planning to get closer to the younger women of God and to start developing a close relationship with them, to get to know them as friends and sisters in Christ, and to be there for them whenever they need.
The moment I heard that, something so heavy was hanging on my heart. Thoughts running through my mind -- What am I to do? Do I keep developing more new relationships and leave all my past ones hanging? I have yet to mend many relationships that I've grown distant to and that I have such a heart for. I wasn't finished with them yet, do I just move on and continue to find more new people to tend to? What about my own problems and unwanted desires? What about getting my life on track, how am I able to do it when I keep piling things on to my plate of always accepting others and helping others? There were just so many things going through my mind. The conclusion was... over the past couple of months, I've become afraid of entering into new friendships and relationships. It's almost as if I intentionally drew away from people so that I could loosen up a little of my burdens. I want to be there for each and every one of them, I really do, but sometimes I just need time for myself, time for just God which I haven't even started to do. I haven't even gotten the chance to jot down my thoughts and put my feelings in order because that wasn't a priority on my list. All the new people I've met, I've developed a superficial relationship but nothing deep, because I was afraid. The people I used to talk to and were very close with, I distanced myself away from some because I was afraid. It feels like such a selfish thing to do, but is it?
I realized that the more I distanced myself from people, the more tasks I was taking up. My time slots continued to become filled with more work and the only time I would open up to people were in settings where they were a must.
I'm really tired of it all. I'm tired of so many things because I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what God has in plan for me and how I should go about things. I need discernment, I need God's discernment in my life. I always leave my life on pause so that I can fulfill the needs of others -- and the feeling I have should be ecstatic because filling the needs of others usually fill my needs -- but that hasn't been happening because I haven't had the heart.
I continue to fill different voids with different things, and at the end it all leads to more emptiness.
In the summer, I really want to be able to open up to the girls and have the girls do the same to me. I'm afraid but I want to have the heart that God wants to put in me, but I don't know where to go about finishing my own personal deeds.
I know, I need to find the balance. I need to do a whole bunch. I need to do this I need to do this. NO, God needs to work in my life and reveal Himself to me because I cannot do this on my own. God get me out of myself and out of the mindset of being dependent on myself in this world. It's so hard but I want you to fill me with your wisdom, with your power, with your everything, so that my life can be one that can reflect your glory.
After the girls had planned that, I didn't speak up to them, though I wanted to. I didn't tell them my unsolved situation about being scared of developing new friendships. It was heavy on my heart and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be fake when summer came around. So on the train ride home, I sent them a text that said something along the lines of, "Hey girls, I need advice for something because I don't want this to be hindering to me in the summer. I'm afraid to develop new friendships with the girls in the summer because I'm afraid I'm going to have too much to handle on my plate. I don't know what to do, I need prayer." Some of them text me back and sent me a couple of word of encouragement and it just made me tear a lot on the train. People are ones that I care for so dearly, but the more I care, the more I consider them a duty and I don't want that.
The Bible says, "Carry each other's burdens and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ."
Lord, please help me. Please give me direction and discernment to know what to do and how to go about handling my friendships. I want to be there for others because you have allowed me to but I need you to guide my life and set it on the right track so I won't feel so burnt from all this. Please Lord, I need you. Please, I want to be effective in doing your work, and let me give all of myself to you so that nothing I do will come from myself.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Some things never change.
Genesis 3:6
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her and he ate it.
Genesis 3:12-13
The man said, “The women you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate it.”
It’s so funny yet sad to see that some things never change. Since the beginning of time, there was guilt, greed, shame, and even blame, and till this day, we still do it now.
In Genesis 3:6, when we are attracted to something, we want to just take it and sometimes even share it with other people though we know it’s wrong.
An example I can name is when there are huge sales in stores. Because they are so cheap, it’s good for our pockets, it’s pleasing to the eye, and it’s desirable because we want it all, so we’ll shop till we drop. Then after we do all of that, we will go home and tell our friends about it until they shop till they drop. Something like this may not be wrong, but wanting too much of it and not being able to control the self over it is definitely wrong.
Then we see in Genesis 3:12-13, when we are being put on the spot by some higher power or authority, we tend to play the blame game. This is where we point fingers and say she did it. Adam pointed at Eve, and Eve pointed at the serpent. If the serpent had finger-- he might’ve even pointed at someone or even something also.
We as human beings never like to admit that we ourselves are wrong because of our pride and greed. We always want to show others that we are better than them and we make ourselves think that we are perfect. We blame others so that we can rid the guilt from ourselves and make others look bad.
When a person does something bad, they immediately have shame. They feel guilt, they know they have done wrong. Yet, it’s hard to admit, it’s hard to resist, and most of all, it’s hard to suffer the consequences.
Later on in the chapter, Adam and Eve get banned out of the Garden of Eden, which was the best place to be on earth. The serpent had to suffer, Eve had to suffer, and Adam had to suffer. The serpent became known as the cursed one out of all the livestock. Eve had to deal with childbearing pains and letting the husband rule over her, and Adam had to work hard and sweat for the rest of his life. All this was added, on top of their shame and guilt, how devastating.
Here’s something to learn; if we get ourselves involved in something (whether it’s good or bad), know that we’ll have to deal with it till the end.
If we press on and strive for perfection because we want to seek God, then at the end, we’ll win value and live a life worth living for.
If we want to get ourselves into the occasion of sin, we will enjoy ourselves for the time being but it won’t look too good later on. So it’s better to stay away from the sin and suffer the displeasing time for the short moment then having it last for eternity.
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her and he ate it.
Genesis 3:12-13
The man said, “The women you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate it.”
It’s so funny yet sad to see that some things never change. Since the beginning of time, there was guilt, greed, shame, and even blame, and till this day, we still do it now.
In Genesis 3:6, when we are attracted to something, we want to just take it and sometimes even share it with other people though we know it’s wrong.
An example I can name is when there are huge sales in stores. Because they are so cheap, it’s good for our pockets, it’s pleasing to the eye, and it’s desirable because we want it all, so we’ll shop till we drop. Then after we do all of that, we will go home and tell our friends about it until they shop till they drop. Something like this may not be wrong, but wanting too much of it and not being able to control the self over it is definitely wrong.
Then we see in Genesis 3:12-13, when we are being put on the spot by some higher power or authority, we tend to play the blame game. This is where we point fingers and say she did it. Adam pointed at Eve, and Eve pointed at the serpent. If the serpent had finger-- he might’ve even pointed at someone or even something also.
We as human beings never like to admit that we ourselves are wrong because of our pride and greed. We always want to show others that we are better than them and we make ourselves think that we are perfect. We blame others so that we can rid the guilt from ourselves and make others look bad.
When a person does something bad, they immediately have shame. They feel guilt, they know they have done wrong. Yet, it’s hard to admit, it’s hard to resist, and most of all, it’s hard to suffer the consequences.
Later on in the chapter, Adam and Eve get banned out of the Garden of Eden, which was the best place to be on earth. The serpent had to suffer, Eve had to suffer, and Adam had to suffer. The serpent became known as the cursed one out of all the livestock. Eve had to deal with childbearing pains and letting the husband rule over her, and Adam had to work hard and sweat for the rest of his life. All this was added, on top of their shame and guilt, how devastating.
Here’s something to learn; if we get ourselves involved in something (whether it’s good or bad), know that we’ll have to deal with it till the end.
If we press on and strive for perfection because we want to seek God, then at the end, we’ll win value and live a life worth living for.
If we want to get ourselves into the occasion of sin, we will enjoy ourselves for the time being but it won’t look too good later on. So it’s better to stay away from the sin and suffer the displeasing time for the short moment then having it last for eternity.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
RENEW
R e n e w.
Each year, I have a theme for myself to live by and focus on.
This year, it is RENEW.
Ezekiel 36:26-27
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
After a great year of God revealing himself to me in so many different ways once again, this year is another time for renewal. Though God has been so gracious and merciful in allowing me to still be where I am today, I have gotten distracted countless amount of times even while doing God’s work. My focus has become from God to just simply doing routine and habitual work. My fire and passion that was once there had somehow found its way towards apathy which made me not care about a lot of things as much as I used to, especially myself. I didn’t stop doing work, and God can still work in the midst of any sin because he is that great, but that was just not the life God called me to live.
In Ezekiel 36, the Lord had made a new covenant with the house of Israel. Telling them to turn away from their wicked ways and come back to Him; to keep His laws fresh in their minds, and to allow God to work through them. God, again, showed them mercy and forgave them from their sinfulness.
He told them he would give them a new heart and a new spirit. A new heart means
Ephesians 4:24
to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
…And a new spirit means he will put in us the Spirit of God that will enable us to walk in God’s ways. As I look back in 2008, I saw how my attitude has changed a lot. It’s something I can’t explain, but I know and I can feel it isn’t of God. I know this attitude leads me to sin and leads me to not care about certain aspects of life I should be caring about. This attitude drew me away from discernment and knowing the will of God; knowing what makes him joyful and knowing what breaks his heart. Sometimes, we allow ourselves to get too distracted that we really lose sight of God in the picture. If we don’t allow the Spirit to work in us, he won’t, and we won’t see the great things that God has planned for us.
Therefore, putting on a new self doesn’t mean to not be Joan anymore. It means to repair and restore our relationship with God in a much deeper level. Just like a rose, we want to pick all thorns and dirt away that make the flower look dirty and unclean before giving it to someone. We don’t leave it there afterwards though it’s already beautiful by itself. But we want to put it in a beautiful vase so it can stand on its own with the help of the vase. And so that this rose looks so much more attractive then when it was sitting by itself collecting dust and growing thorns. That’s what God wants to do in us and he wants to be our vase to keep us standing straight and beautiful. He wants to rid us of all the unclean parts that make us look dirty.
We measure God in our own limited eyes, thinking that he can only do so much in us and so much in the world, that our Christian life, after maturing and being a leader – it ends there. But it doesn’t. God is more than our human minds can ever imagine and we have to allow him to be that big in our eyes.
Only God can renew our minds, allow us to forget our past, look to the future and make us clean again. None of that is possible without Him. And if we didn’t have God’s grace, we wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves; after knowing all the sin that dwells in our hearts.
Ezekiel 36 also speaks about removing our heart of stone and giving us a heart of flesh. A heart of stone doesn’t beat, it is not living, and it has no emotions. A heart of stone cannot do anything because it has no life. When I think about a heart of stone, I think about a person who is always angry, bitter with the world, and sitting in the darkness. When we think about a heart of flesh, it is something the lives. It breathes and desires for great things to happen. Only God can give us that heart of flesh, a heart that is willing to press forward in Him.
“10% of the population read the Bible, and the other 90% of the population read the Christian.”
How true is that. Even when we are in school or at a work environment, we rather listen to what a human being has to say and teach us about things in a hands on fashion instead of us having to sit in a room for hours reading on instructions and us having to do all the work on our own.
Same with Christianity, many people don’t want to read the Bible. They say the Bible may have mistakes in it, humans wrote it, and it’s just too difficult to understand. Even some Christians themselves hesitate to flip through the Bible because it just seems like a whole bunch of words written on a page. To many, the Bible is just a book and a novel, but what this book really is, is sacred and holy, and it can give life.
Because society can’t really comprehend this truth, we as Christians have to live the renewed life from God to show them with our actions what God is able to do once we let him into our lives.
2 Corinthians 3:3
You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
As Christians, we have to live as Bibles for others, and when others read us, they will be able to read God through us. They will see that our lives have been transformed to be like a little Jesus. And though it’s not possible, we strive for perfection because God has allowed us to.
As it says in Ezekiel 36, only God can do this. Only God can put this new spirit in us to allow us to follow his decrees and to do it carefully. Over the past months, I know that I haven’t been following his decrees carefully, I haven’t been so cautious about my actions and that was all me. I didn’t allow God to help me be an exemplary Christian to others around me, I wanted to do it on my own because I thought I was strong enough and I can surpass any sin not by fleeing from it but even walking into the occasion of it.
I have that independent nature in me, thinking I don’t need anyone or anything to help me in this life, God says different.
2 Corinthians 3:5
Not that we competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.
We are not capable of doing anything. We are like babies who need a helping hand to walk their first steps and to learn how to walk, then run. We need to get fed from others before we can step out to do anything on our own. And here is where we have God to lead us through it all.
This year, I have hope that God is going to renew my life to live and dive into a deeper level with him that I won’t be able to fathom. He is telling me that the old life I lived, the life I lived a couple of years ago, that’s nothing compared to what he has in store for me. Even when I was on fire for God, passionate and cautious about every action I took for God, God is telling me that this is not it for my Christian life. He’s not letting me end there, but he is going to bring me far deeper, and I can’t wait.
A couple of months ago, I was at a prayer meeting and my friend was going around in a circle, relying on the Spirit to speak to us so that we may be blessed by her words. She told me that I’ve been living under this oh so perfect Christian mask and God doesn’t want that and he’s going to break that. He wants us to be real with Him and real with all who are around us. In the meanwhile, he is going to put obstacles along our way to measure how faithful we are. He’s bringing me to a deeper level and in 2008, he let me learn that none of this, I can do by myself but only by His grace.
Each year, I have a theme for myself to live by and focus on.
This year, it is RENEW.
Ezekiel 36:26-27
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
After a great year of God revealing himself to me in so many different ways once again, this year is another time for renewal. Though God has been so gracious and merciful in allowing me to still be where I am today, I have gotten distracted countless amount of times even while doing God’s work. My focus has become from God to just simply doing routine and habitual work. My fire and passion that was once there had somehow found its way towards apathy which made me not care about a lot of things as much as I used to, especially myself. I didn’t stop doing work, and God can still work in the midst of any sin because he is that great, but that was just not the life God called me to live.
In Ezekiel 36, the Lord had made a new covenant with the house of Israel. Telling them to turn away from their wicked ways and come back to Him; to keep His laws fresh in their minds, and to allow God to work through them. God, again, showed them mercy and forgave them from their sinfulness.
He told them he would give them a new heart and a new spirit. A new heart means
Ephesians 4:24
to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
…And a new spirit means he will put in us the Spirit of God that will enable us to walk in God’s ways. As I look back in 2008, I saw how my attitude has changed a lot. It’s something I can’t explain, but I know and I can feel it isn’t of God. I know this attitude leads me to sin and leads me to not care about certain aspects of life I should be caring about. This attitude drew me away from discernment and knowing the will of God; knowing what makes him joyful and knowing what breaks his heart. Sometimes, we allow ourselves to get too distracted that we really lose sight of God in the picture. If we don’t allow the Spirit to work in us, he won’t, and we won’t see the great things that God has planned for us.
Therefore, putting on a new self doesn’t mean to not be Joan anymore. It means to repair and restore our relationship with God in a much deeper level. Just like a rose, we want to pick all thorns and dirt away that make the flower look dirty and unclean before giving it to someone. We don’t leave it there afterwards though it’s already beautiful by itself. But we want to put it in a beautiful vase so it can stand on its own with the help of the vase. And so that this rose looks so much more attractive then when it was sitting by itself collecting dust and growing thorns. That’s what God wants to do in us and he wants to be our vase to keep us standing straight and beautiful. He wants to rid us of all the unclean parts that make us look dirty.
We measure God in our own limited eyes, thinking that he can only do so much in us and so much in the world, that our Christian life, after maturing and being a leader – it ends there. But it doesn’t. God is more than our human minds can ever imagine and we have to allow him to be that big in our eyes.
Only God can renew our minds, allow us to forget our past, look to the future and make us clean again. None of that is possible without Him. And if we didn’t have God’s grace, we wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves; after knowing all the sin that dwells in our hearts.
Ezekiel 36 also speaks about removing our heart of stone and giving us a heart of flesh. A heart of stone doesn’t beat, it is not living, and it has no emotions. A heart of stone cannot do anything because it has no life. When I think about a heart of stone, I think about a person who is always angry, bitter with the world, and sitting in the darkness. When we think about a heart of flesh, it is something the lives. It breathes and desires for great things to happen. Only God can give us that heart of flesh, a heart that is willing to press forward in Him.
“10% of the population read the Bible, and the other 90% of the population read the Christian.”
How true is that. Even when we are in school or at a work environment, we rather listen to what a human being has to say and teach us about things in a hands on fashion instead of us having to sit in a room for hours reading on instructions and us having to do all the work on our own.
Same with Christianity, many people don’t want to read the Bible. They say the Bible may have mistakes in it, humans wrote it, and it’s just too difficult to understand. Even some Christians themselves hesitate to flip through the Bible because it just seems like a whole bunch of words written on a page. To many, the Bible is just a book and a novel, but what this book really is, is sacred and holy, and it can give life.
Because society can’t really comprehend this truth, we as Christians have to live the renewed life from God to show them with our actions what God is able to do once we let him into our lives.
2 Corinthians 3:3
You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
As Christians, we have to live as Bibles for others, and when others read us, they will be able to read God through us. They will see that our lives have been transformed to be like a little Jesus. And though it’s not possible, we strive for perfection because God has allowed us to.
As it says in Ezekiel 36, only God can do this. Only God can put this new spirit in us to allow us to follow his decrees and to do it carefully. Over the past months, I know that I haven’t been following his decrees carefully, I haven’t been so cautious about my actions and that was all me. I didn’t allow God to help me be an exemplary Christian to others around me, I wanted to do it on my own because I thought I was strong enough and I can surpass any sin not by fleeing from it but even walking into the occasion of it.
I have that independent nature in me, thinking I don’t need anyone or anything to help me in this life, God says different.
2 Corinthians 3:5
Not that we competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.
We are not capable of doing anything. We are like babies who need a helping hand to walk their first steps and to learn how to walk, then run. We need to get fed from others before we can step out to do anything on our own. And here is where we have God to lead us through it all.
This year, I have hope that God is going to renew my life to live and dive into a deeper level with him that I won’t be able to fathom. He is telling me that the old life I lived, the life I lived a couple of years ago, that’s nothing compared to what he has in store for me. Even when I was on fire for God, passionate and cautious about every action I took for God, God is telling me that this is not it for my Christian life. He’s not letting me end there, but he is going to bring me far deeper, and I can’t wait.
A couple of months ago, I was at a prayer meeting and my friend was going around in a circle, relying on the Spirit to speak to us so that we may be blessed by her words. She told me that I’ve been living under this oh so perfect Christian mask and God doesn’t want that and he’s going to break that. He wants us to be real with Him and real with all who are around us. In the meanwhile, he is going to put obstacles along our way to measure how faithful we are. He’s bringing me to a deeper level and in 2008, he let me learn that none of this, I can do by myself but only by His grace.
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