Afraid for more.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2

Inner thickness -- insensitivity -- being unaware, out of touch, lacking in insight, failing to pay attention, thick, dull, sluggish, one who is virtually blind toward others, failing to feel other's feelings, think others' 

thoughts, sense others' needs. -- It's painful, its damaging to our relationships, and it grieves our God. To be thick is understandable. To be thick and tired of it is commendable. To be thick and tired of it but unwilling to change is inexcusable.

To carry each other's burdens = mutual forbearance and compassion towards each other. 

For the longest, I've been carrying so many burdens of others, maybe all on my own, hence the reason why I get so stressed out by the end of it all.

Recently I've been tired, I want to continue to carry the burdens of others, but at the same time I don't want to at all because it's too heavy and I can't do this on my own. I've been afraid to make new friends and get closer to them because it feels like there would be an extra load on my shoulders -- one more 

person to call, one more person to take care of, more to add on my list of "people to be cared for." It almost seems as if it's an ongoing list of tasks and that's not what I want it to be. 

On Thursday I was with the girls. We spoke about the next steps after sharing and opening up our lives to one another. In the summer we were planning to get closer to the younger women of God and to start developing a close relationship with them, to get to know them as friends and sisters in Christ, and to be there for them whenever they need.

The moment I heard that, something so heavy was hanging on my heart. Thoughts running through my mind -- What am I to do? Do I keep developing more new relationships and leave all my past ones hanging? I  have yet to mend many relationships that I've grown distant to and that I have such a heart for. I wasn't finished with them yet, do I just move on and continue to find more new people to tend to? What about my own problems and unwanted desires? What about getting my life on track, how am I able to do it when I keep piling things on to my plate of always accepting others and helping others? There were just so many things going through my mind. The conclusion was... over the past couple of months, I've become afraid of entering into new friendships and relationships. It's almost as if I intentionally drew away from people so that I could loosen up a little of my burdens. I want to be there for each and every one of them, I really do, but sometimes I just need time for myself, time for just God which I haven't even started to do. I haven't even gotten the chance to jot down my thoughts and put my feelings in order because that wasn't a priority on my list. All the new people I've met, I've developed a superficial relationship but nothing deep, because I was afraid. The people I used to talk to and were very close with, I distanced myself away from some because I was afraid. It feels like such a selfish thing to do, but is it?

I realized that the more I distanced myself from people, the more tasks I was taking up. My time slots continued to become filled with more work and the only time I would open up to people were in settings where they were a must. 

I'm really tired of it all. I'm tired of so many things because I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what God has in plan for me and how I should go about things. I need discernment, I need God's discernment in my life. I always leave my life on pause so that I can fulfill the needs of others -- and the feeling I have should be ecstatic because filling the needs of others usually fill my needs -- but that hasn't been happening because I haven't had the heart. 

I continue to fill different voids with different things, and at the end it all leads to more emptiness. 

In the summer, I really want to be able to open up to the girls and have the girls do the same to me. I'm afraid but I want to have the heart that God wants to put in me, but I don't know where to go about finishing my own personal deeds. 

I know, I need to find the balance. I need to do a whole bunch. I need to do this I need to do this. NO, God needs to work in my life and reveal Himself to me because I cannot do this on my own. God get me out of myself and out of the mindset of being dependent on myself in this world. It's so hard but I want you to fill me with your wisdom, with your power, with your everything, so that my life can be one that can reflect your glory.

After the girls had planned that, I didn't speak up to them, though I wanted to. I didn't tell them my unsolved situation about being scared of developing new friendships. It was heavy on my heart and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be fake when summer came around. So on the train ride home, I sent them a text that said something along the lines of, "Hey girls, I need advice for something because I don't want this to be hindering to me in the summer. I'm afraid to develop new friendships with the girls in the summer because I'm afraid I'm going to have too much to handle on my plate. I don't know what to do, I need prayer." Some of them text me back and sent me a couple of word of encouragement and it just made me tear a lot on the train. People are ones that I care for so dearly, but the more I care, the more I consider them a duty and I don't want that.

The Bible says, "Carry each other's burdens and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Lord, please help me. Please give me direction and discernment to know what to do and how to go about handling my friendships. I want to be there for others because you have allowed me to but I need you to guide my life and set it on the right track so I won't feel so burnt from all this. Please Lord, I need you. Please, I want to be effective in doing your work, and let me give all of myself to you so that nothing I do will come from myself.