Selfish

A friend invited us to watch the SuperBowl this Sunday. I really wanted to stop by and visit because, well, I haven't seen this group of people in a while and I just miss having a large community of people to be around and to have fun with. It's not that I don't currently have one, but I do miss the old one every once in a while. So, my friend contacted the other and asked if he wanted to come. Initially, I was just planning to stop by and say hi because the other was planning to have something at our house in hopes to develop a better bond with the people that he's trying to reach out to for our new English congregation of four weeks. But when the friend contacted the other and asked, I thought there might've been a chance that both groups could've combined. For me, the more the merrier. Anyway, an idea that I didn't even try to think about might've happened and I got my hopes up. This morning, I spoke with the other and he said that it's not the best idea for selected reasons although he was considering it. So the other decided that no, we should just have our own thing. Internally, I got a little upset because I'm tired of being with the same group of people all the time with no focus, no meaningful conversations, and the other always trying to reach out to what sometimes I want to consider some hopeless nut cases. (Yes, over the past couple of months, I did become a little bit more cynical due to the discouragement in the community of 'believers' I'm around.) The other puts so much time and effort into loving this group of people, and it's been over two years and only God could put such a patience in his heart to develop such a big love and care for this group of people. I used to think I was a loving person, but more and more, I realize how limited my love is because I'm very limited in loving this group of people. Anyway, I got a little upset but didn't really want to show it to the other because it wasn't his fault. He truly has the heart to want to see this church grow, he puts so much prayers and effort and time into it, he reaches out to these people all the time, and although we see no fruit, he really wants to be intentional about having things being done pure and holy, to set an example to this group of people whether they see it or not. For me, I wanted to go to this friend's event just because I wanted to relax, I wanted to enjoy being around an exciting group of people again. But, that's not worth getting upset about. So if I was to have kept complaining about them going, it would've been selfish of me to do so.

When I think of these things, for some reason, I get upset. When I think about the current church community I'm in, I don't get excited at all and I always feel like I have to force a smile and just wait for the long gruesome hours to pass. In my past ten years of being involved in the church community, I have not felt that feeling in a long time and it's just hard to be this way, especially doing it with the other. I want to enjoy serving with him, but it seems like God's trying to toughen us up by putting us in this community. I'm still unsure of why we were sent here for, but until then, I have to try to get rid of my own selfish desires and refocus my mind on serving joyfully, because God sent us here. It's so hard, it's so hard. There was a moment in time these past couple of months that the other was set on leaving the church because he felt that it was finally the time to leave. After the new years, his heart changed and he felt like God didn't give him the firm go ahead to go, so we're staying. Since then, his theme for this year is "faith". Although we don't see what God is doing, he's going to go by faith and serve as faithfully as he can until the time is right to leave. I need to change my heart to be able to joyfully walk alongside with him in this journey. We have a long way to go.

It's already February. I haven't really practiced honoring everyone I meet with love. I'm trying. One step at a time. When things get discouraging, I have the tendency to be more self-absorbed and think about my own well-being out of self protection. God, get me out of this mentality please so that I can honor you with the life you've given me.

Random note: In terms of marriage, typically I sleep earlier than the other. There are occasional times that he falls asleep earlier than me, but on the couch. Out of kindness, I try to wake him up so that he could sleep on the bed. But when he's waken up from his sleep, he has a really hard time falling back asleep so he'll get annoyed/mad. The other day, he gently requested: "I'd appreciate it if you don't wake me up when I'm sleeping. I slept at 4AM again yesterday and had to wake up early because I couldn't fall back asleep.". When he said that, I said okay. But my thought process was: I'm glad he said that. We're learning how to better communicate with each other in gentleness and love. I really admire that in our relationship, both parties try as much as they can to make the relationship work better by communicating properly.