Morning Pages

It's been a while since I've posted anything and I realize that I haven't taken the time to process my thoughts for a while. I was encouraged to write again through an acquaintance's IG post about "morning pages".

He wrote: "The idea is that you sit down, open the book, and start writing for three pages first thing in the morning. Write even if you have nothing to say, write even if it doesn't make sense. Every time I've done it, I started to write down thoughts, feelings, or ideas that I had, but didn't have time to process or think through. It's helped me gain clarity on so many things; from the work I needed to get done that day to navigating through tough relationships and situations. It's not a journal where you read back to see what you did that day. It's 30 minutes of processing that really helps you gain clarity for the rest of the day. And I think it's crucial for deep work. And when things get really busy and stressful you would hope a practice like this would be even more helpful... I just look straight ahead until things are figured out. There's good things to that approach, but I started doing Morning Pages again this week, and I'm realizing the wisdom in being able to take time to assess and strategize. Some people may have the opposite problem: they assess and strategize too much, maybe as an excuse to not actually execute."

I had a bad week.

I had a pretty terrible week.

• Snowstorm - second time calling out of work in two months due to snow storm. My boss is a workaholic so I think me not coming to work affects the way she views me. But for me, it's just not worth it.
• My boss verbally attacked my character - I was pretty shocked because it was over something so small and really not a big deal. "You don't listen and you're supposed to be a counselor, you're not listening." It really affected me because it's hard for me to work under people with such leadership style. I was already not so comfortable with her leadership style but when she said that, it caused me to really just lose respect for her and I haven't even been in this job for three months yet. I really enjoy the job so it would be sad if I didn't stay longer than I would like. But of course, I can't make such predictions yet, I'm just speaking out of emotions.
• Its annoying because I don't have direct training in my job from my boss, I'm learning from someone else who is taking the time and energy to train me but sometimes I wish she would've just gave me guidance. My soon-to-be manager is someone who can't even train me now but instead, she's probably going to be micromanaging my time more and I have to basically train her on what I've been doing the past few months. I don't even look forward to her being my manager either but just hoping for the best.
• Printer ran out of ink - I had not getting out orders in time, it frustrates me because as much as I find it a hassle to go and print daily, I like getting them out of the way and doing things in excellence. The ink is coming by Monday so basically I have to rush these orders and ugh it's just inconvenient and annoying.
• Ezra had a really bad fall and it knocked out a tooth. It hasn't fell off yet but in time it probably will, his upper lip is all swollen and bruised and his right front tooth is sort of disconnected, it's hard to see because it's so sensitive and he doesn't want us to touch his mouth. That really topped off my week and made it just horrible. Thank God he's okay and he's still able to laugh but he can't eat - he'll probably have to be on a soft diet for a couple of days. My pediatrician does not have any empathy at all for someone who takes care of kids, so she just made me want to switch to someone else. Although she couldn't do anything about it, she couldn't even empathize with me. She didn't have to but I would've appreciated it. 

There were a bunch of other things that added on but these were the major things.
It just felt like a big enemy attack this week and emotionally I just feel weak. 

God give me strength, I pray next week would be a little better.

Bad sleep

I've been having really bad sleep lately. Part of me can't wait until summer is over 

- summer missions 

- summer retreat

- serving opportunities

- new volunteer recruitments

- new training

- new curriculum

- new resources

- new students

So many things to think about and so little time. I'm excited but I'm stressed because I can't handle it all at once. Covering for the other this week while in Indonesia doesn't help.

I'm thinking about too many things at once which is causing to not depend on God for the help and the wisdom. I need God. He's providing me with these opportunities, in Christ I can do all things. God, please help me to know my boundaries and to know how to spend time with you as in doing your work. 

What to do.

I regularly talk to people in the youth group about their faith and their struggles. When I do, I go home always feeling so much burden but eagerness yet appreciation that God would use a person like me, not skilled, not enough knowledge to walk alongside with people. It drives me crazy because I wish I had the expertise in certain things but I just feel lacking in every aspect. I think to myself - would I give it all up to do this for them fill time and be there for them? Absolutely. They are worth every single minute. To see that I have even a small step in their lives to lead them just a little closer to Christ or have them still in faith even after they go on to college, wow. Why would God use such a person like me? 

Then I think to myself, why don't I just give it all up. And in the practical sense, there are so many reasons why I am obtaining another job or am aspiring to obtain another job, but what am I to do, God? I need help. 

Employed three months.

I've been employed at this place for the past three months. After being here, I've finally made the decision that I'm never again going to accept a job that I don't care about or cannot learn from or just any job. From here on out, I will only accept jobs and apply to jobs that I can utilize my skills, passions and things I find meaningful in. I started the job looking process in the counseling field after much thought because being employed in the church full time his highly unlikely for a variety of reasons, and I know the process is going to be pretty hard because of my lack of experience but I'm praying that God would provide me a job that I would be able to excel and enjoy in, one that is not too strenuous and require more than 40 hours a week so that I can still spend time with family and serve in church and have enough vacation days to have some me-time and also plan church retreats/conferences and training. It's a high request, but he knows what I need.