Predictable Stress

These past two weeks and the next couple of weeks are going to seem pretty miserable. My adult life has followed a predictable cycle from over-involvement... to overwhelm and exhaustion, to withdrawal, recovery and isolation, then feelings of guilt that I'm not doing my part.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve in so many different capacities but at the same time, I can't see how I'm going to manage doing everything and still be able to maintain proper mental health and a good relationship with my other. The next couple of weeks, I feel like I need God more than ever because I know for a fact that I can't handle all of this on my own. I keep thinking and rethinking about what I could prioritize or what I should keep or remove from my daily activity list and it just seems that during this season in my life, I'm not sure what I should really say "no" to. Should I delay school another year? But that's stupid because I only have a year left so why not just finish it off so it doesn't have to be an extra burden to think about. Should I continue to work? I've only been there for about a year and a half at this job and I'm enjoying my boss and my team? Why should I leave so soon? They've been so good and so patient with me. I hate working and hate being bound to a 40 hour job, but at the same time I appreciate it as well. I really don't know what to do. Can I say "no" to the new responsibilities in the new church? I mean, there really aren't any expectations but at the same time there are, and that's a big part of what's stressing me out.

Lately, I've unfortunately been consumed by these things:

• Working an additional 15 hours a week at work on top of the regular 40 hour work schedule is super draining. By the end of the work day, I have no mental capacity to think about anything more than my bed.
• Adjusting to a new church environment and yearning to start off on a good start. I have all these ideas in my head, all these things I need to write down and plan, all these things to prepare on a weekly basis, all these people I want to get to know but I can't seem to catch my breath by the time I get home and not enough time just to focus on this. Honestly, it would be amazing to have this just has a full time job but I have no clue how that is going to pan out in the future. I really need to trust and go where God leads.
• Everything that happens in my social life I feel like need to go on a temporary possibly one year pause. I have a friend who is going through hardships in life and on a daily basis this person calls at night, right when I'm about to sleep or when I'm already sound asleep. There are sometimes, I can't help but to think how inconsiderate this person is because I've been telling this person that I'm super exhausted and super drained, but then again, everyone is going through their own issues in life. 
• The musical is tonight, part of me is excited for it and love that I'm working together with all the people I love and the other part of me can't wait until its over just because it takes away from spending a little more time to rest and prepare for the Lords Day.
• The Philippines Mission Trip is in December and I have a feeling that we're going to start preparing on weekends. Saturdays are the only day I have to do anything at all, clean, sleep in a little longer, or whatever but now it seems that I won't even have one day because I have to uphold church responsibilities as well as possibly partake in this. 
• Internship is starting again the Fall 2014. I really can't wait until this ends. It is  blessing to counsel people one on one, but without proper supervision, its so draining. Thinking about how I will finish a whole 365 more hours before the end of the year is dreadful.
• I have to study for the comps which I am way behind on. I started studying only a couple of chapters but only began to. I have to figure how to prioritize my time so that I have time for studying but preparing for ministerial stuff as well. 
• I am only taking one ridiculous credit this coming fall, but the class is such a waste of time and it takes up one weeknight. That's one less night I have to do something more productive with.

I don't know how I did this back in my college days. Thinking about it now just seems impossible.

Stress is written all over my face lately and unfortunately I even snapped at the other because although he's trying to sound like he's encouraging me, it filters in my ears as additional pressure and expectations that need to be met. I sometimes wish that he can understand my perspective. I can't wait until labor day to have that Monday off. I just need a day to rest, to not think, to recuperate, to give myself ample time to accomplish whatever I need to do. Anyway, back to preparing. God help me.

Oh yeah, not only that, I'm not the only one going through stuff. The other has been much more on a time crunch recently too. He's served at so many different retreats this summer and preached at two different ones the past two weeks. Preparing for all of that is time consuming and draining. Not only that, he has to preach every Sunday and next weekend he will be officiating with his close friends wedding. I don't know if life is ever going to slow down, but I really hope we won't work ourselves to death before it does.

New Church

Yesterday was our first day at the new church. God's definitely stretching me in a different way, in a way I'm not the most comfortable with. The other will be serving the EM, something that he's been wanting to do and I will be serving the youth, which I definitely don't mind doing because that's something I always had a heart for. But now the spiritual growth of the whole youth group is now in my hands. It's a little nerve wrecking but at the same time, I know it's not me, it's all God, I just have to trust that he will use me.

I always saw myself playing the support role, but now it's a little more than that and I do feel like it's a huge responsibility to carry and a huge burden considering I'm working full time, still need to complete my internship and then not even enough time to keep up with social and marital needs. But, if this is how God has opened the door for me, by God's grace, this is all going to work out.

I can honestly see myself doing something like this full time in the long run. I love serving people and I don't particularly love doing it in the capacity I am doing it in right now -- as a financial aid counselor. But maybe that's something that might happen in the future and God's just preparing me for this step right now.

What encouraged me while meeting the people there is that there are already leaders set in place to assist the youth which can possibly make my life that much easier in terms of sharing the burden and partnering with each other. I met some of the youth and it looks like after a couple of weeks, can will probably be able to get along just fine.

In my previous ministry experience, I've always been used to becoming friends with these kids but now I have to learn my boundary as a leader and all of that. This is definitely a growing a process but a blessing nonetheless. I can't say I'm extremely excited because I'm a little overwhelmed with the responsibility, but this is just another opportunity to trust God to see how it works.

This is definitely going to be a different experience from my past two church experiences. Let's see how this goes!