NYWC 2015 Reflection

NYWC has finally completed, it's been four long days of information overload and now it's time to go back home and apply it.

These are some things I want to begin applying right away:

• Self-care/soul care --> Relationships --> Programs. In that order. I can't blame anyone but myself for doing it backwards which means I can't blame anyone but myself for going through so much stress.
• Train volunteers
• Create a vision/mission.
  
  "Re-learn how to seek God first."

Adjustment

The past two weeks out of work have been an adjustment to say the least. I'm grateful to not have to ride the MTA and be stuck commuting all day long, but it does feel weird not doing so because I've been doing that for such a long time. It's been an adjustment because:

• I still wake up every morning looking at the time and imagine myself and what I'm doing either at work or on the train.
• Trying to balance baby, husband, my own personal life and youth ministry schedule has been difficult because the baby does take up most of our time and learning how to prioritize is still a work in progress. Soon, the other and I are working on creating something for ourselves where he has time to do his things efficiently, I have time to do mine, but we still have time for each other also. The other has been making a little more effort in spending time with me and the baby together which I appreciate. 
• Still haven't figured out how to spend quiet time with God and be still before Him. 

Some things I have done that I haven't been able to do for the longest:

• Clean my room
• Get glasses
• Get contacts
• Go on a youth leadership training conference
• Watch the baby for a whole day
• Go out with hubby and the baby together for a walk

Some things I miss:

• Having a work station (desk, computer, etc) because I don't have a place to do work at home.
• Being with a team of people and a boss who makes the day better all the time.
• Going out out for lunch, talks and walks with my best coworker friend.
• Not having to think about obtaining health insurance.

People ask what I've been doing with all my free/flexible time. I think about it and as of this moment, I still don't think that I have much free time. Yes, my schedule is a little more flexible but I still feel like I have thousands of things to do and accomplish. Having a social life still seems a little bit difficult to have but hopefully I'll be able to learn to prioritize accordingly soon so that life can be lived out in a healthy and joyful way.

NYWC 2015

After resigning from the job, I was pretty excited to have a little bit more flexibility in terms of being better equipped with serving the youth ministry. Since I dedicate such a big portion of my life serving in the ministry, it was a high stress factor for me to constantly not feel equipped nor prepared in my weekly duties. So, first thing I did was to sign up for a leadership convention that I have been so longing to go to all year long. I stumbled upon NYWC and it just happened to have the dates that landed perfectly for me and so on my own I went.

There were a couple of reasons I decided to go alone. I wanted some time away from everyone. I wanted to be equipped to better serve the youth. I was hoping I could connect with some people (but I knew it was pretty unlikely because most people from this convention is not from my area). Anyway, it's been a blessing to come by myself the past couple of days because I have been free to do things on my own time and most of it is bound by the workshops and sessions during the convention time. But I didn't have to rush anywhere, I could walk anywhere I want, I didn't have to entertain anyone it was just nice. I haven't had time to be lonely here because I leave the house so early and get back home so late that it's just for bed.

I used AirBnb for the first time by myself. I used it once in LA but didn't have the best experience but this time around it's been a pretty good experience. The place I'm at is old school yet modern. The person who was hosting ended up not being home for the weekend so I have the whole place to myself (although I did wish I had more chances to talk to her, she seemed really awesome to talk to). I got to hear her story about her life and got to share mine as well. I also used Lyft to get home the past two nights. I've been walking about 3-4 miles a day, which I don't typically do on a normal day to day basis, so by the end of the night, the whole bottom half of my body is sore and I'm just tired. It's been a blessing just to use these different social media platforms to meet different people here and connect with them. It's so much fun meeting new people and it's great because the relationship ends after the business relationship is over but just getting to hear people from different walks of life in such a short period of time is fun.

At this convention, there were some things that stuck out to me:

• I was encouraged about the large population of people who stay serving in youth ministry for over 20-30 years. I don't see a lot of that in the ministries I'm part of so hearing that there are people who care about the youth generation enough was encouraging.
• There is a need for resources to equip leaders who serve the Asian American setting. I realize that we as Asian Americans don't really have our own identity and take from the different cultures, whether it be White-Americans or African Americans, but most of their practices suit their culture and sometimes don't always pertain to the Asian American culture. The issues they face are not always the issues we face.
• There are a lot of leadership networking training events for Christians in the NYC area, but primarily for college and above or young adults but not so much for youth, or at least not many that I know of. And if they are for youth, it seems to not relate to the Asian American setting.
• I'm in a lot of need of soul care. I have so a passion for serving people but because my cup is not full and not overflowing, it's been hard to serve. 
• At the end of the day, praise God that I still love God and still love kids. That might mean I'm meant for this and if it does, then I hope that God would equip me as I learn to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me, especially in the midst of my weaknesses and insecurities.

Well Wishes

So on Monday, I submitted my letter of resignation right before the end of the work day because I was trying to stall as long as possible and then he ended up telling my coworkers right before we left. Once he did, I immediately started sobbing in my cubicle, I don't know why, but so many emotions come up when it comes to leaving. I guess I just really hate good byes and stepping into new things are always scary.

What I do appreciate a lot is the amount of support I did receive.

When I left the office, my coworkers had already left ahead of me. It was just an awkward way to spill the beans but there was no other way, so everyone just said bye and left. When I finished wiping my tears, I left and found them standing at the entrance waiting for me to comment.

One of them assured me that she wasn't mad and she was happy for me, and she had tears in her eyes. It made me cry even more. Then we had a text conversation, she said: "no worries hon, I suspected you would leave. I know it's not easy being a new mom and juggling everything. It is what it is and I am not mad at you. If this is a decision you had to make then I know you had to, it's not like when the other coworkers left. I truly have grown to love you so you have my full support."

And from another one who absolutely hates change, she said: "I'm not mad at you. Just trying to process this. You know I don't like change and it will be very hard to see you go."

Then the other one, "It is what it is, I'll miss calling someone J-money".

And then outside of the team, someone from the other department said: "heard you're leaving.. that is a brave decision and an awesome one for your family. we'll miss you, was enjoying working with you."

And then another one: "heard you were leaving, sadness __ was RAVING about you. however, I hope it will be good for you and you can spend more time with your little nugget. Once I saw you come back and you talked about your commute, I was hoping you'd leave, only for personal reasons. anyhoo, I'll miss you, you're stellar."

And then someone from the other campus shared with me a secret while bidding me goodbye - "she's due in May. She said, "I feel like I follow you in everything a year after!" which is so funny!

And then another first time mom said, "you making this decision makes me want to rethink my decision and do the same."

Anyone, I'm writing these things down because I do want to remember the good times I had here. We went through so many rough seasons while working here but I did appreciate the people I work here and it's my last week, so I'm cherishing the last moment. I lot of people here have become like family to me and it's just really hard to leave.

On the other hand, I don't know what to do with myself now that I have a little more flexibility, but I actually have a list of things I would like to do.

Uncomfortable

The concept of trusting God is something I always have a hard time doing because I like the idea of security and being comfortable. But time and time again I'm always forced into an uncomfortable situation and having to make choices. God makes it easy for me but I make it so hard for myself. If I just obey and step out in faith, then it wouldn't be that hard. I'm thankful but at the same time it drives me crazy. God loves me enough to bring me in and out of situations.

Today, I finally spoke to my boss about leaving the job, I told him I don't know how much longer I could do this for, especially with a four hour commute. He smiled at me and he just encouraged me. He shared his story about trusting God and encouraged me to be obedient to what God is calling me to do. I just sat there crying the whole time because making new strides and take new steps in life is always so hard. I truly am so grateful to have such an understanding boss. Everything that I've been thinking about over the week, he confirmed it without me even having to say anything. Today, God gave me the courage to step out in faith and make a decision to leave my job in which I'm finally adjusted to and comfortable with. In the next couple of days, I'll make the decision of when my last day will be and here's to the next chapter in life...