Going Back Full Time

It's a very bitter sweet feeling. For now, it feels a little bitter. I'll be officially going back to work full time this Friday (aside from the fact that I just emailed my boss and asked for a couple days off in the middle of August although I felt extremely bad doing so because it's going to be a crazy month and we're really not allowed to ask for time off.) The past three months have been pretty nice not having to trek it all the way to manhattan every single day, spending most of my time on NYC subways and buses. It's been nice that I could stay home everyday and do things on my own time aside from the fact that its really on baby's time. It's been nice that I've been able to spend time with the other and just see what he does on a daily basis and how he goes about life. It's been nice that both the other and me have been able to spend time with the baby together and also do ministry together. It's been nice that I haven't had to stare at the computer screen for hours at a time calculating numbers and being nice to students. It's been nice that if we have to go somewhere, we were able to just go without being bound to a 10-6 schedule. It's been nice to spend most of my waking hours with baby during his first couple of months of life.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my job in the sense that I'm part of a bigger vision and purpose. I really do love my organization's jobs and values, I love what they aim to do and I do want to be part of their mission. That's what attracted me to study there in the first place. I don't necessarily love what I do, but I do enjoy learning from my boss and the way he leads his team. I love that my coworkers are able to get along so well and we really do make a great team. I have my own desk (which is something I don't have at home -- I just do my work on the bed, the couch, wherever there is to sit). And I am able to complete my work on my own time without other people hovering over me. I feel trusted at work and I am competent at what I do. I've only been there for two years and being employee of the year this year, I'd feel horrible just to leave right away.

I haven't officially experienced what it feels to be a mother who works full time. I mean, I work at church but I'm still able to bring baby around whenever I want to and no one would care. (Speaking of which, we haven't been bringing him around on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and although we miss him to death, we are a lot more productive in the office when he's not around). I know there are pros and cons to both sides of it, either being a working mom or a SAHM, but I don't know why, possibly because I've been busy just about my entire life, for once, I just want to be be at home and be there with my family. Others have said to consider finding a closer job, quitting, etc, but for some reason I'm not 100% ready to leave.

On a side note, I moved back in with my in-laws close to three weeks ago. The pros outweighed the cons so I did it. Overall, I'm grateful for the extra pairs of hands to help.