Well Wishes

So on Monday, I submitted my letter of resignation right before the end of the work day because I was trying to stall as long as possible and then he ended up telling my coworkers right before we left. Once he did, I immediately started sobbing in my cubicle, I don't know why, but so many emotions come up when it comes to leaving. I guess I just really hate good byes and stepping into new things are always scary.

What I do appreciate a lot is the amount of support I did receive.

When I left the office, my coworkers had already left ahead of me. It was just an awkward way to spill the beans but there was no other way, so everyone just said bye and left. When I finished wiping my tears, I left and found them standing at the entrance waiting for me to comment.

One of them assured me that she wasn't mad and she was happy for me, and she had tears in her eyes. It made me cry even more. Then we had a text conversation, she said: "no worries hon, I suspected you would leave. I know it's not easy being a new mom and juggling everything. It is what it is and I am not mad at you. If this is a decision you had to make then I know you had to, it's not like when the other coworkers left. I truly have grown to love you so you have my full support."

And from another one who absolutely hates change, she said: "I'm not mad at you. Just trying to process this. You know I don't like change and it will be very hard to see you go."

Then the other one, "It is what it is, I'll miss calling someone J-money".

And then outside of the team, someone from the other department said: "heard you're leaving.. that is a brave decision and an awesome one for your family. we'll miss you, was enjoying working with you."

And then another one: "heard you were leaving, sadness __ was RAVING about you. however, I hope it will be good for you and you can spend more time with your little nugget. Once I saw you come back and you talked about your commute, I was hoping you'd leave, only for personal reasons. anyhoo, I'll miss you, you're stellar."

And then someone from the other campus shared with me a secret while bidding me goodbye - "she's due in May. She said, "I feel like I follow you in everything a year after!" which is so funny!

And then another first time mom said, "you making this decision makes me want to rethink my decision and do the same."

Anyone, I'm writing these things down because I do want to remember the good times I had here. We went through so many rough seasons while working here but I did appreciate the people I work here and it's my last week, so I'm cherishing the last moment. I lot of people here have become like family to me and it's just really hard to leave.

On the other hand, I don't know what to do with myself now that I have a little more flexibility, but I actually have a list of things I would like to do.

Uncomfortable

The concept of trusting God is something I always have a hard time doing because I like the idea of security and being comfortable. But time and time again I'm always forced into an uncomfortable situation and having to make choices. God makes it easy for me but I make it so hard for myself. If I just obey and step out in faith, then it wouldn't be that hard. I'm thankful but at the same time it drives me crazy. God loves me enough to bring me in and out of situations.

Today, I finally spoke to my boss about leaving the job, I told him I don't know how much longer I could do this for, especially with a four hour commute. He smiled at me and he just encouraged me. He shared his story about trusting God and encouraged me to be obedient to what God is calling me to do. I just sat there crying the whole time because making new strides and take new steps in life is always so hard. I truly am so grateful to have such an understanding boss. Everything that I've been thinking about over the week, he confirmed it without me even having to say anything. Today, God gave me the courage to step out in faith and make a decision to leave my job in which I'm finally adjusted to and comfortable with. In the next couple of days, I'll make the decision of when my last day will be and here's to the next chapter in life...

6 months

Baby is already six months old today and my how time flies. Today he went to his 6 month check up and he's already 19.5 pounds. He's grown so much and every single moment with him is precious.

This past month, he has:

• Not only grown his bottom two teeth but his top two teeth has rooted.
• He fell off the bed for the first time because he happened to squirm himself over to the other side of the bed while daddy fell asleep.
• He got sick for the second time but still happy
• He hates when we try to wipe his nose.
• He loves jumping in the jumparoo.
• He smiles and laughs so much now.
• He's truly a happy baby.
• He still doesn't sleep through the night.
• He still drinks only about 3-4 ounces per sitting.
• He can stand on his own while holding something.
• He can squirm and try to do an army crawl, but it'll get him where he wants to be.
• He can grab onto things
• He looks at his hands still with so much amazement.
• He can just about sit up straight but still has his moments of tipping over.
• His skin is still very dry so we have to constantly apply lotion.
• He babbles all the time.
• He enjoys watching people play the guitar.
• The pacifier helps him to fall asleep.
• He seems to like the taste of his boogers so he constantly sticks his tongue upward of his lips and sucks on it.
• He always likes being upright, he can't stand laying down or being cradled.
• He takes much appreciation at the cross we have hung up in our room.
• When we are eating dinner, he can't get his eyes off the food.
• He grabs everything off the table.
• The car seat is still not his best friend.
• He sleeps typically at 9:00-9:30PM and wakes up 7:00-7:30AM.
• He still constantly scratches his head when he gets tired.
• He can't stay outdoors for too long, he likes to be at home.
• He can now reach over if he wants someone else to carry him.
• He's getting harder to carry because he's always twisting around trying to explore the environment.
• He puts everything in his mouth.

I thank God for this precious little one every single day.

Fear

This week, I realize I have SO MUCH fear.

I fear confrontation.
I fear letting people down.
I'm such a people please for no reason.

This whole week:
My stomach kept turning.
My heart is anxious.
My head is heavy.
I haven't been sleeping well.

ALL because I want to talk to my boss.
The nicest boss in the world.

I've spent all week delaying and waiting and waiting.
It's causing me so much anxiety and stress.
It's so irrational.
Why do I do this to myself?
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gospel

Sad to say, but it's been a long time I've shared the gospel with a seeker or a nonbeliever. This past month, we had a new youth group member with absolutely no background in the faith and she's been seeking. She likes the Christian environment and was introduced to it by her uncle when she visited Texas. She wanted to find something like that around her home and her friend recently invited her to youth group.

So she's been here for almost a month and I've been guilty of not following up with her and sharing with her the gospel. Really guilty. I think about it all the time but personal issues in my life just led me to be all over the place with my own. As I'm slowly developing a relationship with her, I found out that we live right by each other and she leaves for the bus at 7:20AM. That's only 15 minutes earlier than I normally take the bus. So this morning, I decided to wake up a little earlier and meet her at the bus stop.

Thankfully, I got the opportunity to answer some of her questions, explain to her who we are, share with her the gospel and share with her how to pray. As I was sharing with her, it was pretty refreshing to share the gospel with someone who has no background in it. She was eager to seek, eager to understand and asked for a Bible which I'll be giving her tonight. As a Christian, I have dropped the ball on sharing the gospel with those around me and today encouraged me and gave me hope and reminded me of why I do what I do again. Thankful.

Commuting

Everyday, I get more and more angry thinking about commute. It's close to 2 hours door to door for a one way trip. It's just so pathetic to be commuting four hours everyday. That means I spent ⅓ of my day sitting in a train/bus. That's more time spent on a bus then with my baby. That's more time I could be using elsewhere. It just drives me up the wall.

I don't know why I have so much allegiance to my job. I guess one reason is because I don't really like change. Another reason is because I do enjoy the environment I work in although I am not fond of the nature of my job and what I do. But I do enjoy doing my work and being given the capability of doing it in excellence. And I've only been doing this for the past three months ever since I moved in with my in laws. Prior to - the one hour fifteen minute commute was doable and I didn't get angry every day over it. 

This makes me want to quit my job so bad because I'm so tired of sitting in mass transit so many hours of my day. But then it defeats the purpose of moving into our in laws. But not really because they help so much wth with everything, literally. 

I can't seem myself doing this for much longer. I feel like it's causing a lot of unnecessary tension between me and the rest of the world because of my stress of sitting in mass transportation all day. It's taking a toll on some of my relationships because of the attitude I carry. My outlook becomes increasingly negative. But if I were to switch, I don't want just any job. I don't want to just settle for just anything. I don't care so much about the money, I just care to be fulfilling the purpose and utilizing my passions, gifts and talents in which Christ has given me. Essentially I can be doing that anywhere but I want some place where I don't treat it like a job but enjoy going to work every single day. 

I'm feeling a little desperate and just screaming inside.