The Current Story of My Life

First Full Week

Last week, I went through my first full week of work, and the only word I can think of is: it sucked. Leaving the house in the morning only in time to see the baby for two minutes and then coming home to basically watch the baby go back to sleep was pretty dreadful. I got to play with him at most for two hours or possibly even less because I had to eat dinner and I eat slow. Not only that, I felt so exhausted. I also had so much planning to do for the summer youth group retreat that was coming up in a little over a week and I felt so stressed out because I had absolutely no time in between to plan. At work, I had so much work to catch up with. And at home, I wanted to spend every waking moment with baby since I wasn't with him all day. I felt so mentally drained and exhausted. At the end of the week, the other was talking to me about something to try to encourage me regarding ministry related stuff and how to grow it but I ended up breaking down and crying because I was just so tired and couldn't imagine adding more things onto my already busy schedule.

Towards the end of last week, my thoughts kept leaning towards being a stay at home mom and not working because working was taking up all of my time. When I speak to some people, they say to drop ministry, but I actually don't mind continuing ministry and would much rather prefer that. The benefits of working here right now though is that I do have medical insurance and the income we get still is helpful towards our expenses. I still do love where I am at in terms of having a great boss and such but if I were to even entertain the idea of working part time, that would be no use because I would not be receiving benefits here and then might as well find a closer place to work from home.

Right now is my second week and I feel a little bit better and sucking it up, not feeling as down as last week. I guess it's an adjustment but I'm not super human and can't adjust to doing all of this.

Going Back Full Time

It's a very bitter sweet feeling. For now, it feels a little bitter. I'll be officially going back to work full time this Friday (aside from the fact that I just emailed my boss and asked for a couple days off in the middle of August although I felt extremely bad doing so because it's going to be a crazy month and we're really not allowed to ask for time off.) The past three months have been pretty nice not having to trek it all the way to manhattan every single day, spending most of my time on NYC subways and buses. It's been nice that I could stay home everyday and do things on my own time aside from the fact that its really on baby's time. It's been nice that I've been able to spend time with the other and just see what he does on a daily basis and how he goes about life. It's been nice that both the other and me have been able to spend time with the baby together and also do ministry together. It's been nice that I haven't had to stare at the computer screen for hours at a time calculating numbers and being nice to students. It's been nice that if we have to go somewhere, we were able to just go without being bound to a 10-6 schedule. It's been nice to spend most of my waking hours with baby during his first couple of months of life.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my job in the sense that I'm part of a bigger vision and purpose. I really do love my organization's jobs and values, I love what they aim to do and I do want to be part of their mission. That's what attracted me to study there in the first place. I don't necessarily love what I do, but I do enjoy learning from my boss and the way he leads his team. I love that my coworkers are able to get along so well and we really do make a great team. I have my own desk (which is something I don't have at home -- I just do my work on the bed, the couch, wherever there is to sit). And I am able to complete my work on my own time without other people hovering over me. I feel trusted at work and I am competent at what I do. I've only been there for two years and being employee of the year this year, I'd feel horrible just to leave right away.

I haven't officially experienced what it feels to be a mother who works full time. I mean, I work at church but I'm still able to bring baby around whenever I want to and no one would care. (Speaking of which, we haven't been bringing him around on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and although we miss him to death, we are a lot more productive in the office when he's not around). I know there are pros and cons to both sides of it, either being a working mom or a SAHM, but I don't know why, possibly because I've been busy just about my entire life, for once, I just want to be be at home and be there with my family. Others have said to consider finding a closer job, quitting, etc, but for some reason I'm not 100% ready to leave.

On a side note, I moved back in with my in-laws close to three weeks ago. The pros outweighed the cons so I did it. Overall, I'm grateful for the extra pairs of hands to help.

3 months

The last time I posted was when he was three weeks, now he's three months. Time flies and still haven't been able to fully adjust to real life. Baby boy is growing up quickly. From then till now: 

- He's able to acknowledge that he has hands now.

- He does tummy time and raise his head high without a problem.

- He is a morning person it seems and he loves to smile and interact during that time. 

- He has already moved once in his life - he's adjusting pretty well with the in laws. 

- He still scratches his face and rubs it a lot :(

- I've experienced explosive poop, it's not pretty. 

- He has traveled to California.

- He was able to follow toys during the time daddy was in New Mexico. 

- He has experienced separation anxiety when daddy was in New Mexico. 

- Grateful to God that even when other and I got sick, he didn't get sick at all. 

- He has been sleeping throughout the night but still wakes up about three times for feedings.

Everyone says their baby is the cutest and I must say mine is also. I have a such a hard time seeing myself go back to work full time in another week. Not looking forward to it at all. Sucks to have to leave him for a full day but I have appreciated every moment with him for his first three months of life. 

I just lost my appetite.

I have to keep this for memory sake. I was eating my breakfast that MIL made and towards the end, I notice something that did but didn't quite look like a cucumber. I saw a black head and that's not what I normally see on cucumbers. I looked a little closer and it seems to look like a little caterpillar to me. MIL mentioned she picked leaves from the garden....

Just lost my appetite. The other started laughing at me because things like this always happen to me lol.