It's All Your Fault.

Yesterday in church was another typical day, well not that typical. It felt a little bit different. One of the JDSNs attitude a little bit different, he didn’t seem to feel as hopeless as he did the past couple of weeks due to his discouragement. Even myself, although I didn’t act any different than I normally do in church, I felt a little different as well, possibly a little sense of hope. Don’t really know where it came from, but that feeling was as small as a mustard seed. Anyway, I continued to go about my day and during lunch day, three of us older kids were sitting around this 14-year-old girl. The past three weeks, she’s been acting a lot more isolated than usual. She gave off the sense that she really didn’t want to be there and she couldn’t wait to buy a car when she’s 16 so she could just leave after church and never come back. Last week, she asked one of the JDSNs during lunch-time if he really believed in God. Not sure if it was out of curiosity or anger or whatever it was, but you could tell it broke his heart so he went to the other so that they could immediately pray for them. I was just somewhere around the area observing what was going on.  This week, we had a conversation with this girl and as the two JDSNs tried to encourage this girl by giving her life talks, she just sat there rolling her eyes. Here’s some of what she said:

“My life is good, but I want it to be amazing.”
(She said it in such a way she looked like she was about to tear.)

“I just want to be able to fill that empty void that’s there.”
(Whenever it was the mention of God from the two JDSNs, she’s rolls her eyes and would say, “Not everything is about God!!” in an angry tone; she said it in such a way that she was getting very furious that we’re not understanding where she’s coming from. All of us started laughing because we’ve all been her shoes before.)

“What is the purpose of living? I want to know now!”
(When we mentioned “God”, she would roll her eyes. When we told her it was going to be a long process that everyone goes through, she would say… “Well, then I might as well just die now. I want to know now.”)

So all of what she says is very normal for a girl her age who is starting to develop an identity of her, apart from her parents, environment and community. But, what really stuck out to me was when she looked at my other straight in the eye and said:

Girl: “It’s all your fault!”
Other: “Who? Me? Why?”
Girl: “Because of all your stupid sermons! Every week you’re so specific, and you’re directing it only at me! I feel like you’re looking at me and talking at me every week! This week, I purposely looked down to the floor so I won’t have to look up to see you directing your sermons at me!”

All of us, in amusement, started cracking up and started telling her that no one was directing anything at her. The other even mentioned that she’s the last person that’s on her mind because she’s forced to go to church, he’s praying and always hoping to direct his sermons to those that a hard to reach, someone like the pastor’s son who has a choice of whether he wants to go to church or not.

I just thought it was hilarious, because as much as I was so discouraged to think that this church is not getting anywhere, God is working. God is using the other to talk to this little 14-year-old girl. Every week when I listen to the other’s sermons, I listen and I always say, “oh, it was a good sermon” or “oh, it could’ve been better”, and almost forgot that yes, God does speak through people he’s called to preach the Word. This girl is being impacted. This girl feels like David is talking directly at her situation but it’s really God using him to speak into her life, and she’s getting angry because she’s actually listening. So amusing!

The whole conversation ended when we had to go our English Service and passing her by, I said, “You can join us if you’d like.” Then she rolls her eye again and says, “Ugh, no, I can’t listen to two sermons in one day.”

Every one soul counts.

I remember those days when I was sitting during service and I felt like God would be speaking through me in the pastor’s sermons. They were so specific and so direct as if the pastor was talking right at me. I used to feel: “Wow, God’s speaking to me, I’m so blessed!” I don’t think this girl understands how blessed she is, hopefully she will sooner than later.

This is the first time in the past 8 months that I feel even a tiny little drop of hope for this church.

Selfish

A friend invited us to watch the SuperBowl this Sunday. I really wanted to stop by and visit because, well, I haven't seen this group of people in a while and I just miss having a large community of people to be around and to have fun with. It's not that I don't currently have one, but I do miss the old one every once in a while. So, my friend contacted the other and asked if he wanted to come. Initially, I was just planning to stop by and say hi because the other was planning to have something at our house in hopes to develop a better bond with the people that he's trying to reach out to for our new English congregation of four weeks. But when the friend contacted the other and asked, I thought there might've been a chance that both groups could've combined. For me, the more the merrier. Anyway, an idea that I didn't even try to think about might've happened and I got my hopes up. This morning, I spoke with the other and he said that it's not the best idea for selected reasons although he was considering it. So the other decided that no, we should just have our own thing. Internally, I got a little upset because I'm tired of being with the same group of people all the time with no focus, no meaningful conversations, and the other always trying to reach out to what sometimes I want to consider some hopeless nut cases. (Yes, over the past couple of months, I did become a little bit more cynical due to the discouragement in the community of 'believers' I'm around.) The other puts so much time and effort into loving this group of people, and it's been over two years and only God could put such a patience in his heart to develop such a big love and care for this group of people. I used to think I was a loving person, but more and more, I realize how limited my love is because I'm very limited in loving this group of people. Anyway, I got a little upset but didn't really want to show it to the other because it wasn't his fault. He truly has the heart to want to see this church grow, he puts so much prayers and effort and time into it, he reaches out to these people all the time, and although we see no fruit, he really wants to be intentional about having things being done pure and holy, to set an example to this group of people whether they see it or not. For me, I wanted to go to this friend's event just because I wanted to relax, I wanted to enjoy being around an exciting group of people again. But, that's not worth getting upset about. So if I was to have kept complaining about them going, it would've been selfish of me to do so.

When I think of these things, for some reason, I get upset. When I think about the current church community I'm in, I don't get excited at all and I always feel like I have to force a smile and just wait for the long gruesome hours to pass. In my past ten years of being involved in the church community, I have not felt that feeling in a long time and it's just hard to be this way, especially doing it with the other. I want to enjoy serving with him, but it seems like God's trying to toughen us up by putting us in this community. I'm still unsure of why we were sent here for, but until then, I have to try to get rid of my own selfish desires and refocus my mind on serving joyfully, because God sent us here. It's so hard, it's so hard. There was a moment in time these past couple of months that the other was set on leaving the church because he felt that it was finally the time to leave. After the new years, his heart changed and he felt like God didn't give him the firm go ahead to go, so we're staying. Since then, his theme for this year is "faith". Although we don't see what God is doing, he's going to go by faith and serve as faithfully as he can until the time is right to leave. I need to change my heart to be able to joyfully walk alongside with him in this journey. We have a long way to go.

It's already February. I haven't really practiced honoring everyone I meet with love. I'm trying. One step at a time. When things get discouraging, I have the tendency to be more self-absorbed and think about my own well-being out of self protection. God, get me out of this mentality please so that I can honor you with the life you've given me.

Random note: In terms of marriage, typically I sleep earlier than the other. There are occasional times that he falls asleep earlier than me, but on the couch. Out of kindness, I try to wake him up so that he could sleep on the bed. But when he's waken up from his sleep, he has a really hard time falling back asleep so he'll get annoyed/mad. The other day, he gently requested: "I'd appreciate it if you don't wake me up when I'm sleeping. I slept at 4AM again yesterday and had to wake up early because I couldn't fall back asleep.". When he said that, I said okay. But my thought process was: I'm glad he said that. We're learning how to better communicate with each other in gentleness and love. I really admire that in our relationship, both parties try as much as they can to make the relationship work better by communicating properly.

New Years Resolutions 2014

This year, the goal is to be intentional about more things in life; to take initiative, to be proactive instead of reactive. Over time, I've allowed my circumstances and situations to rule over me which causes me to feel disabled and even hopeless. I'm tired of living like that. It's draining.

On New Years Eve, the church always has everyone pick verses out of a bag. My theme verse for the year is... "Romans 12:10 (NIV) -- Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

Since the other and I have been married, the quote that stuck out to me the most was to..."Outdo one another in love". That's what I've been trying to live by in our marriage, in good and bad times. Typically, I'm very used to reading the NIV, but during GKYM, someone read the whole chapter of Romans 12 but this time, in ESV. This is what Romans 12:10 says: "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Wow. I was encouraged when I received this.

My new years resolution for 2014 is: 

Be intentional about budgeting.

• It's been quite difficult balancing finances with two people. Combining the different spending habits of two people has been a challenge, but through practice, I hope that we'll get this thing right. I'm tired of having money rule over me, I want to be in charge of my money.  This week, I plan to come up with a monthly budget and make sure the hubby and I stick to it very strictly

Be intentional about contacting family members

• My family members have a bad habit and bad pattern of not calling each other. During my childhood, I can hardly recall a time where my parents called their parents just to ask how they are doing. I don't want that pattern to continue. Since I've been married, it's been rare that I call my parents just to say what's up, most of the time, it's because I need something. My parents, though, have been making an effort every so often just to call and see if everything's okay. I want to start making more of an effort to call my parents and my siblings more often just to show that we care. The same with David's parents. In the beginning when we got married, Davids parents told me to call them at least once a week. It's been 7 months and not once have I called them. I'm just not used to it. But, I should still make an effort. 

This is just two for now. I had more in mind, but don't want to overwhelm myself with unrealistic goals.

Be Holy for I am Holy

Earliest this week, my boss messaged me while we were working. Conversation went like this:

Boss:  Hi.
me:  HI

Boss:  The Lord did place on my heart this morning to ask you to do a short devotional and open in prayer at our Thursday morning meeting...What do you say??
me:  Sure. Any particular devotional topic? 
Boss:  I think the Lord has already given it to you.
me:  Yeah? Okay, I will seek the Lord for it then. 
(We sit just a couple of feet from each other. He bursted out laughing because of my comment and said... "Was I wrong?" 
me:  I do feel like God has been reminding me of something the past two days but I didn't think that pertained to work. But maybe it does, not sure, that's why I will seek the Lord for it. 

All week long, I was asking God what he wanted me to share with the team about. I mean, I felt like God has been reminding me that there's a light at the tunnel through the David Jeremiah concert (to blog more about) and the conversation with my friend from DR. I was reading the Bible this week and nothing really stood out for me and I kept wondering if that personal thing God had for me was for the team too.

Then, this morning, I thought came to me. Leviticus 11:44. During my quiet time last Saturday morning, this was the verse that stood out to me. This was what came to mind and I couldn't believe I didn't think about this earlier! This was the verse I was looking for!

So here was the devo before the team meeting:

“I am the Lord your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy.” - Leviticus 11:44

Throughout the book of Leviticus, God establishes all these rules for the Israelites and in Chapter 11, God gives the Israelites specific regulations concerning animals, birds and every living thing that moves about in the water and on the ground. He specifically distinguishes between the unclean and the clean, the animals that should be eaten and should not be eaten. Towards the end of the chapter, God says, “I am the Lord your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy.” Then he reminds the Israelites once again what makes them unclean and says to them, “I am the Lord, who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore, be holy, because I am holy.” 

Holy means being set apart for God, that means being set apart in everything we do -- whether we are at work, school, home, church, whatever it is. As I was reading this, that particular verse stood out to me because sometimes, it’s so easy to lose sight of God and the plans that he has for us. When things start becoming stressful, frustrating and anxiety provoking, we start to complain, we start to conform to the patterns of the world and the focus becomes about me, me, me and it no longer becomes about God. I don’t know if that’s true for you, but that’s how it always is for me. The past two weeks, God has been putting me in my place, he continually reminds me that it’s not about me; it’s about Him. He is the Lord my God and I need to be holy because God is holy.  

God works funny because not only does he reveal that to me in His word but the past two weeks, he put certain things in my place to show me that it’s all about Him. I had a friend I went to college with who was an international student from Dominican Republic. Through years and years of God disciplining her and stripping her from her own desires and passions to follow his will, she felt the tugging to go to Russia to live there and share the gospel by working in orphanages. She finally obeyed, bought a one way ticket to Russia, packed her bags, and moved their last week. For her life, God was telling her, “I am the Lord your God, consecrate yourself, and be holy as I am holy.” 

A couple of days later, I went to the David Jeremiah event and the whole focus of the event was about the Bible, and how God speaks to us through his Word and reading his Word changes us. Again, God was reminding me to be holy, he is the one who brought me out of the wilderness to where I am now in my life, it was Him who changed me, and therefore I must be holy because he is holy. So even in my seasons of discouragements, God continuously reminds me that there is a light at the tunnel and be set apart because he is set apart.

Earliest this week, the boss said that God placed in his heart for me to do a short devotional and open in prayer. This is something that he has placed in my heart recently and hopefully this verse was able to speak to you personally as it did for me.

It's a good feeling to know that even in my dark times, God still works through me. In that, I'm blessed.

After the meeting, the boss said: "You know, sometimes, I question myself if God is really putting on my heart a specific something or not, but what you just shared confirmed it."

Then, my coworker said: "Just wanted to say, You did an excellent Job with the devotion today.  That was all Holy Spirit girl!! Preach it!!  I felt the power!! I was ready to sing! worship"

I'm so undeserving of this. All I do is complain complain complain when things are not going right, but God is still faithful. Thanks God for encouraging me when I most need it.

A Little Boost

Sometimes, it's so easy to lose sight of God and the plans he has for us. I know that happens to me all the time. It's so easy for me to go back into the slumps where everything becomes stressful, frustrating, anxiety provoking. It doesn't feel good, actually it feels horrible. But, there are other times, when I hear stories from friends that I haven't seen in a long time, and when I hear them, God puts me back in my place. He continuously reminds me that it's not about me, it's about Him. I just have to trust him in the process. This friend never encourages me by trying to teach me a lesson or whatever, she just shares stories about her own personal life and the way that God pulls through for her each and every single time. That pulling through never has to do with her own personal passions, she had to forsake all of that long ago, but it's whatever God willed for her to do, that's what she does. She had no other choice but to depend on God these past couple of years in her life and to see her trust in God and pull through every step of the way has been so encouraging. There was not one moment in time it was easy for her, but she just gave it up and gave it to God. Tonight, a lot of what she shared reminded me of the blessings that God had in store for me this past year. For the both of us, we would've never thought that God would have brought us where we are 3 years after college. Who would've thought I was going to be married and who would've thought her next chapter in life was going to be in Russia? Recently, it's just been hard for me, I'm not sure why but I feel dry. It's not anything particularly wrong that is going on, but I just don't feel anything. But tonight, I'm reminded about God's grace and His mercy over our lives. What's most amazing is not the end result of things, but the miracles and process that happens along the way, the struggles and hardships that led to the end results. I'm so thankful to God for people like these. Sometimes, I just need a little boost and today, I got that little boost to move forward and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. More to post later about a recap of this year.