Weighed Down

As great as life is going right now, I feel weighed down, I feel tired, I feel annoyed. I'm blessed with so many different things in life but at the same time, I feel burdened with all these things in life and I don't know how to handle it. (If anyone is reading this, and if you're a person who likes to comment on things, please refrain and keep your comments to yourself, I'm just venting). I know God's telling me to just give it up to him, but my stubborn self just won't let go and I allow myself to be burdened with all these ridiculous things. And it's just really annoying. I obviously can't handle it but I won't let it go and I'm still trying to find my own way to solve things. I mean, I'm not superhuman, and never will be and definitely don't feel like one. I am in no way capable of handling everything that's on my plate right now. I don't even know how I live from week to week. Every week passes by and I'm not sure how I was able to go through with it, there's just so much going on and balancing is just... heavy. I don't go home with a smile on my face everyday, I go home tired, drained, just wanting to hit the haysack. I don't go home and give the other any of my energy because frankly, I really don't have any. I haven't been doing any house chores whatsoever, the other has been doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping for stuff, and all the things I almost consider extra because I've never really allowed time and space for that in my life. And then I give him heat for the stuff I feel like he could be doing better at. And when I occasionally meet up with friends, I'm giving whatever left over is left, whatever smile on my face I have left. I just want one day to just relax with the other, not doing anything that has to do with goals and meeting needs, but instead, just meet our own needs for once. I'm giving so much of me to so many different areas in my life and yet it still doesn't feel like enough because there's so many more places to give. But I have nothing left to give, and I realize it more and more in ministry, I just don't have that capacity that I used to when I was in HS and college. Life's not the same anymore and I'm not sure how to go about it. Don't get me wrong, yes I am happy, I am blessed, but just these past couple of weeks have been seemingly getting harder. The other is doing the same thing, he's literally giving his time to everyone else. I'm actually not sure what he does on a daily basis, but for all I know, every time I talk to him, he's always giving someone his time, energy, money and whatever it is. Recently, he's been coming home tired and drained too and as great as reaching out to people is, it sucks. It sucks because there's no balance. Since I've picked up another duty in life, we have vacuumed and cleaned the entire house probably once the past three-four months. Since high school, it's always been school, work, ministry, internship and family and home has always been put on the back burner. And I'm not sure when it's ever going to stop looking like that. Even for Thanksgiving Day, I just found out the other already made plans with people, and yes although its great to reach out to all these different people who don't have families here with them during holiday season, I'm thinking..my family probably feels like they have no family to be with either because the last time we spent time with each other was like... never. It's such a bad habit for people in ministries. They always forsake their families, and until this day, my parents are still just as busy as they were 10 years ago, and both me and them, we have not made time for each other. I don't like it, I don't believe life should be this way, I believe there's more to life than just draining yourself and wearing yourself thin. That's not God-honoring, that's not being a good steward. Now that we're going to be parents soon, it just frustrates me thinking that we might possibly be giving birth to a kid that we probably won't have much time for because we're always involved in something. That's exactly what happened to us, that's exactly what happened to me when I was a kid and I don't want it to be that way.

I think it's God honoring when people set boundaries to cultivate and tend to all areas of life, that includes home, health, spirituality, whatever it is. It is so encouraging when if I were to one day hear "Sorry, I won't be available today because I've committed to spend time with my wife/husband, or to spend with my family today. Today is off limits for everyone else." Just like how we make Sundays off limits for God and his people and we don't do anything else that day besides God-related duties, I believe that's how we should be for all different areas of life. It would be so amazing to hear that people have the time to exercise and maintain their health because their body is not their own and they want to honor God with their body. It would be so awesome if people didn't just spend all day everyday hanging out, although that's great, just spending time with each other and stuff, but it would be amazing to see people encourage each other, build each other up, spur each other on with love and good deeds. Instead of keeping prayer and spending time with God the last thing to do on a daily basis, what if everyone was consistently in prayer and spending time with God all day long and including God in all areas of life. I feel weighed down because theres just simply no balance, no communication, just drain.

I chose a profession where I'm going to be dealing with people for the rest of my life, whether it's my professional career or ministry related stuff. I often think, what did I get myself into. My life motto is "Love God and Love People" but it's definitely going to be something I won't perfect for a very long time and it's only by God's grace that I have any strength to love him or his people whatsoever.

Everyday feels like catch up. Besides my work related duties -- since I'm there 40 hours a week, I'm always on top of my game, I'm always ahead of everything and get everything done in a very reasonable and efficient manner. But with everything else in life... it's always been catch up and I want that to change but that means I have to give up more things. What can I give up in this season of my life right now? I'm not sure. I'm more than halfway done with this internship, it would be so useless to not complete this degree although I may not be using it for anything, but it's one major thing that it draining me as well. I don't want to go to work anymore because it's not even something I enjoy doing and I don't even get paid well, but I just really appreciate the experience and the people I work with even though they are probably people I won't hang out with outside of work. For all the things I want to do, I don't get to do and I don't get to finish or accomplish or engage in. One day, God, one day. This has to be training ground for something and I know I definitely have not mastered it.

God's Favor

I'm not the type to typically celebrate birthdays although I am always blessed to have people around me who do. Little gestures do just make me reflect on how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who know how to love and appreciate. It's never something I expect and as a matter of fact, I know I don't even deserve any of it. In my times of weakness, I still see God's favor in my life through the people he's placed in my life. 

The other bought me to a restaurant that cost an arm and a leg. Although it's somewhere I would never personally bring myself to because I hardly think it's worth it to throw down such a large amount, I appreciate the thought, consideration and all that is behind it. As much as I nag at him, point at his flaws and bad habits, I am grateful to have an awesome and God-honoring husband. 

It's always a tradition to celebrate birthdays with coworkers. I'm grateful to have such a great team of people to work with. As much as I hate traveling to the city everyday and I just dislike sitting in an office all day and working on numbers and boring figures, I'm grateful for a great work environment.

I've been married for 1.5 years now and there are still tons of people that I have yet to invite over my place. Since the bestie so lovingly offered to cook for a small group of people, I decided to invite people that I've never really invited plus a couple that I talk to more often. 

Childhood friends are always people to count on and grow old with. It's been over 15 years with them, we only see each other a couple times a year, but I'm glad that we can always celebrate each others special occasions with one another.

My youth group surprised me with a small gift and cake a couple of days after the birthday. It was pretty embarrassing since they sang during lunch time in front of the older folk whom I don't know and am not the most comfortable with. I'm really honored to be shepherding over them during this season, as hard as it is.

There are some other groups that I didn't really get a chance to even catch up with or meet up with during this season due but holiday season, here we come. 

Well, here's to another year. I'm officially finished my mid-twenties and now entering my late twenties with a bunch of new chapters in life.

Prayer

J. Hudson Taylor, great missionary to China, said "It is possible to work without praying. It is a bad plan, but it can be done. But you cannot pray without working."

Every week, I've been giving a message to the youth, and for me, it doesn't come natural and just preparing and coming up with a message with my limited mindset is pretty difficult. I was always a small group type of person and not so much of a person who speaks in front of an audience/congregation. Because of my overwhelming schedule and just coming home to mental exhaustion every end of the day, it's been very hard for me to pray. I want to pray everyday, I want to read the Word, but it's been harder and harder because of just the overwhelming feeling. In the season, I know that it's even more important to pray and everyday it's just a battle.

I normally go to church every Saturdays to prepare. Last week, I decided instead of just sitting in the office all day and thinking of how to prepare (because it always takes a whole day), I decided to walk around the park, put on my earphones and spend some time with God in prayer. At this point, I felt so desperate because I'm running on empty and it's not fair for the kids just to get the left overs of me and not the Spirit-filled me. I spent an hour just walking around in solitude and just talking to God.

After that conversation with God, it's interesting what happened during the week. All of a sudden some more honest conversations came out of some discussions that happened throughout the week. It seems that there are things that have to be dealt with but God is just continuously reminding me to go to him and seek for guidance and advice because I know that on my own strength, I will mess things up real quick. I've been working without praying for a while, but I need to do both, urgent.

Surprise.

I wanted to take the youth out to apple picking or something on Columbus Day. Initially, I thought I had the day off, but being that I work in a private institution, I had work. So I asked the teachers if they could bring the kids out individually and the day before, I would plan a bowling event for them, which was a fun outing overall.

So on Columbus Day, I was at work and in the morning time I was at internship. The other was texting me and told me he would bring food for me which was not a shock because he does that every so often when he comes to the city. He said he was going to study so I said okay. Around 1PM, I was going to have supervision and while I was seeing a client, the other texted me and told me to go up and pick up the food like I always do at the side door. This time, I couldn't because I was in the middle of seeing a client but he was rushing me and saying that he doesn't want to pay for the meter, etc, which he always says too. Once we finished, I ran upstairs and opened the side door and standing there was the entire youth group that came out to surprise me. They were all standing in a straight line with papers that read: "Joan, We Appreciate You!"

It definitely caught me off guard and it was such a friendly gesture that was put together by the teachers. That gesture made my day. It's been about three months since I've been serving in this church and every week I feel guilty for not giving them enough of my time and energy. I am only able to be there for them on weekends because that's all the time I have. Unlike previous ministries, I used to be texting people left and right and checking in on people, but during this season of my life, I just haven't been able to spread myself in that capacity.

When I think about the current church I'm at, I just can't help but to be grateful. God blessed me with a good group of kids to work with during this season of my life. It's not a humungous group but it's definitely a group of a set of kids absolutely different from what I'm used to, but I look forward to working with them and seeing them.

How to Serve One Another

O Lord! Help me to be …
Firm but not harsh;
Realistic but not skeptical;
Scheduled but not rigid;
Pure but not proud;
Close-mouthed but not unfriendly;
Appropriate but not stiff;
Funny but not frivolous;
Teachable but not gullible;
Flexible but not scatterbrained;
Humble but not pious;
Kind but not compromising;
Dependable but not dull;
Decisive but not stubborn;
Persistent but not needling;
Precise but not picky;
Simple but not foolish;
Demanding but not intolerant;
Thorough but not unkind;
Human but not worldly;
Spiritual but not impractical;
Generous but not irresponsible;
Enthusiastic but not “hyper;”
Honest but not brutal;
Fair but not unloving;
Proper but not unreal;
Confident but not snobbish;
Bold but not brazen;
Busy but not harried;
Active but not shallow;
Deep but not dry;
Wise but not intimidating;
Intense but not forbidding;
Empathetic but not uncontrolled;
Forgiving but not naive;
Sympathetic but not pitying;
Helpful but not condescending;
Penitent but not paralyzed;
Organized but not bossy;
Spontaneous but not inconsistent.
Lord, I guess I’m asking to grow in favor with God and man.
I am asking you to help me become a balanced person. Amen.
by Marlene Evans