There's Gotta Be More

Written two Wednesdays ago. 

I'm already near the end of my graduate degree, and for some reason, although I love what I'm learning, I still don't feel like this is it; this is not the end and this is not enough. The major I'm choosing is such a great field, it does truly help people, but for some reason, I can't see myself sitting in closed settings and listen to people talk day after day and work through their issues with them. 

It's not that I don't like it, I've gained so much experience doing it the past couple of months and it's so intriguing and I get so challenged and excited when I'm dealing with a case that I'm not used to because it forces me to learn more and to go out of my way to figure out how to help people. It's almost like putting a puzzle together or something, but counseling is like helping a person piece things together through an outside perspective. I mean these are real people seeking help with real peoples problems and they are entrusting someone like me to help them or guide them or support them in some way shape or form! What an honor it is to do such a thing. BUT, I want to do more. I don't want to just be contained to this. But I don't know how to get there or what it's going to take for me to get there and now I'm just getting antsy because the process takes long to figure out. 

Today, we watched two videos: one about Nick Vujicics life and another about Joni Eareckson Tadas life and how they were able use their disability for good. Nick Vujicic mentioned that his purpose was to be a speaker, he wanted to be a speaker so bad and impact people through this limitations. What a great way to live life! I was particularly inspired by Joni, I think it's because in the video, she was living amongst the people, and walking with them side by side on a daily basis. She had a disability as well where she couldn't move anything from shoulder down, and there was a point in the video she was so proud of seeing a guy who never walked stand up for the first time and walk with a walker. She was so excited for him and I was imagining myself in her place, I wanted to give this person a hug so bad! Unfortunately, Joni couldn't do that because she didn't have the capability to.

I think about it all the time. I have hands, I have feet, I'm perfectly healthy and I can do so much! So what am I doing?! Well I'm currently doing so much now too but I don't feel like that's the "so much" I want to be doing. All I can do now is be faithful with the things God has entrusted me in and when the time comes, God will entrust me with the things I actually want to do and I can't wait to be faithful to that as well. 

I know that God has called me to this place during this season of my life and he's preparing me for something more, I just don't know what it is. But I do know that having a degree and such experience can set me up for something different and possibly draw me close to something that I'm called to do. Maybe it'll direct me to the right people. But this process is definitely a training period, a time to be built up, and I just have to be patient and walk by faith. 

This summer, I have to find another internship. During my internship here, though it was not the most professional setting I wanted to be in, it was convenient and God made a way for me to be here, I always seem to have favor from God and I'm very very thankful for that. Through this process, I was and still am forced to learn independently and figure things out almost on my own. I am learning what to do and what not to do and I had the privilege of counseling and being an integral part of so many peoples lives. But, after all is said and done, I can't see myself doing this for years to come. I hope the next internship that God opens the door for me for, I can be just one step closer to my passions and hearts desires. 

Speaking Up in Class

During class tonight, the professor was talking about Nick Vujicic so right away I showed my two classmates the selfie I took with him in the distance when I bumped into him while window shopping in NYC. So one classmate looked at me and goes, tell the professor! Share that, that's such cool news! And I refused because, well, I didn't think it's an interesting enough topic to share for the entire class to hear, just close friends. So the professor goes, does anyone have any comments or anything to share? And the classmate goes, Joan does! She met Nick Vujicic! Just before the class, we were talking about how I'm 51% extrovert and 49% introvert. So she looked at me and goes: but you're an extrovert! How come you just don't share! And it ended there.

But what I find interesting is that during that small interaction between the classmate and I, I realized that she really really wanted me to share that, and I really really thought it was just unnecessary to share. 

So of course, it became a part of our conversation during our commute. For me, it wasn't about me being an extrovert or not, it's more so because I felt like the topic at hand would add no value to the class and therefore it's not necessary to waste two minutes of the class to mention such topic. For her, it was more of, you should participate more in class, people want to hear your input, class is so much more exciting when people are interacting and engaging I'm conversations in class. In so many instances, I agree! 

That leads me to the group dynamics class I took a couple of semesters ago. The professor says (in group therapy lingo) that I am a "freeloader". I act itself engage in the conversation but I don't talk. I'm just absorbing all the information and not giving verbal feedback. I remember when I first learned of that word, I was like wow! I finally found a word to identify me! 

So since I was young, I was never the type I actively participate in class though I may have fully engaged. Part of the reasons is because I felt a lot of the input people bring into the classroom setting are boring, they are a waste of time and many people participate just to get participation points. Of course, when people actually share something of value, I totally appreciate it. So since then; I just don't talk much and I just listen. That might be an Asian characteristic or that may just be me, who knows. But there are times when I really wanted to share something I thought was so interesting but I would think twice about sharing because I didn't want to be one of the people that wasted precious class time on nonsense. So I don't know if it's a self esteem issue or not, but just something I thought was interesting to keep record of.

So at the end of our conversation, she goes, Joan you should participate more, that's a challenge! And my stop arrived and so I said okay! And we departed. 

I'm the Asian community, I feel like I'm always participating, and that's because there aren't a lot of people who do, so I will. But in settings where there are people to uphold a conversation, I tend to keep my mouth shut. So for me, I realize I give input in a group setting when it's needed and no one else doing it. I'm not used to doing it in a diverse setting because then there'd just be too many people talking. 

Just wanted to verbalize my thoughts for the night. :) 

It's All Your Fault.

Yesterday in church was another typical day, well not that typical. It felt a little bit different. One of the JDSNs attitude a little bit different, he didn’t seem to feel as hopeless as he did the past couple of weeks due to his discouragement. Even myself, although I didn’t act any different than I normally do in church, I felt a little different as well, possibly a little sense of hope. Don’t really know where it came from, but that feeling was as small as a mustard seed. Anyway, I continued to go about my day and during lunch day, three of us older kids were sitting around this 14-year-old girl. The past three weeks, she’s been acting a lot more isolated than usual. She gave off the sense that she really didn’t want to be there and she couldn’t wait to buy a car when she’s 16 so she could just leave after church and never come back. Last week, she asked one of the JDSNs during lunch-time if he really believed in God. Not sure if it was out of curiosity or anger or whatever it was, but you could tell it broke his heart so he went to the other so that they could immediately pray for them. I was just somewhere around the area observing what was going on.  This week, we had a conversation with this girl and as the two JDSNs tried to encourage this girl by giving her life talks, she just sat there rolling her eyes. Here’s some of what she said:

“My life is good, but I want it to be amazing.”
(She said it in such a way she looked like she was about to tear.)

“I just want to be able to fill that empty void that’s there.”
(Whenever it was the mention of God from the two JDSNs, she’s rolls her eyes and would say, “Not everything is about God!!” in an angry tone; she said it in such a way that she was getting very furious that we’re not understanding where she’s coming from. All of us started laughing because we’ve all been her shoes before.)

“What is the purpose of living? I want to know now!”
(When we mentioned “God”, she would roll her eyes. When we told her it was going to be a long process that everyone goes through, she would say… “Well, then I might as well just die now. I want to know now.”)

So all of what she says is very normal for a girl her age who is starting to develop an identity of her, apart from her parents, environment and community. But, what really stuck out to me was when she looked at my other straight in the eye and said:

Girl: “It’s all your fault!”
Other: “Who? Me? Why?”
Girl: “Because of all your stupid sermons! Every week you’re so specific, and you’re directing it only at me! I feel like you’re looking at me and talking at me every week! This week, I purposely looked down to the floor so I won’t have to look up to see you directing your sermons at me!”

All of us, in amusement, started cracking up and started telling her that no one was directing anything at her. The other even mentioned that she’s the last person that’s on her mind because she’s forced to go to church, he’s praying and always hoping to direct his sermons to those that a hard to reach, someone like the pastor’s son who has a choice of whether he wants to go to church or not.

I just thought it was hilarious, because as much as I was so discouraged to think that this church is not getting anywhere, God is working. God is using the other to talk to this little 14-year-old girl. Every week when I listen to the other’s sermons, I listen and I always say, “oh, it was a good sermon” or “oh, it could’ve been better”, and almost forgot that yes, God does speak through people he’s called to preach the Word. This girl is being impacted. This girl feels like David is talking directly at her situation but it’s really God using him to speak into her life, and she’s getting angry because she’s actually listening. So amusing!

The whole conversation ended when we had to go our English Service and passing her by, I said, “You can join us if you’d like.” Then she rolls her eye again and says, “Ugh, no, I can’t listen to two sermons in one day.”

Every one soul counts.

I remember those days when I was sitting during service and I felt like God would be speaking through me in the pastor’s sermons. They were so specific and so direct as if the pastor was talking right at me. I used to feel: “Wow, God’s speaking to me, I’m so blessed!” I don’t think this girl understands how blessed she is, hopefully she will sooner than later.

This is the first time in the past 8 months that I feel even a tiny little drop of hope for this church.

Selfish

A friend invited us to watch the SuperBowl this Sunday. I really wanted to stop by and visit because, well, I haven't seen this group of people in a while and I just miss having a large community of people to be around and to have fun with. It's not that I don't currently have one, but I do miss the old one every once in a while. So, my friend contacted the other and asked if he wanted to come. Initially, I was just planning to stop by and say hi because the other was planning to have something at our house in hopes to develop a better bond with the people that he's trying to reach out to for our new English congregation of four weeks. But when the friend contacted the other and asked, I thought there might've been a chance that both groups could've combined. For me, the more the merrier. Anyway, an idea that I didn't even try to think about might've happened and I got my hopes up. This morning, I spoke with the other and he said that it's not the best idea for selected reasons although he was considering it. So the other decided that no, we should just have our own thing. Internally, I got a little upset because I'm tired of being with the same group of people all the time with no focus, no meaningful conversations, and the other always trying to reach out to what sometimes I want to consider some hopeless nut cases. (Yes, over the past couple of months, I did become a little bit more cynical due to the discouragement in the community of 'believers' I'm around.) The other puts so much time and effort into loving this group of people, and it's been over two years and only God could put such a patience in his heart to develop such a big love and care for this group of people. I used to think I was a loving person, but more and more, I realize how limited my love is because I'm very limited in loving this group of people. Anyway, I got a little upset but didn't really want to show it to the other because it wasn't his fault. He truly has the heart to want to see this church grow, he puts so much prayers and effort and time into it, he reaches out to these people all the time, and although we see no fruit, he really wants to be intentional about having things being done pure and holy, to set an example to this group of people whether they see it or not. For me, I wanted to go to this friend's event just because I wanted to relax, I wanted to enjoy being around an exciting group of people again. But, that's not worth getting upset about. So if I was to have kept complaining about them going, it would've been selfish of me to do so.

When I think of these things, for some reason, I get upset. When I think about the current church community I'm in, I don't get excited at all and I always feel like I have to force a smile and just wait for the long gruesome hours to pass. In my past ten years of being involved in the church community, I have not felt that feeling in a long time and it's just hard to be this way, especially doing it with the other. I want to enjoy serving with him, but it seems like God's trying to toughen us up by putting us in this community. I'm still unsure of why we were sent here for, but until then, I have to try to get rid of my own selfish desires and refocus my mind on serving joyfully, because God sent us here. It's so hard, it's so hard. There was a moment in time these past couple of months that the other was set on leaving the church because he felt that it was finally the time to leave. After the new years, his heart changed and he felt like God didn't give him the firm go ahead to go, so we're staying. Since then, his theme for this year is "faith". Although we don't see what God is doing, he's going to go by faith and serve as faithfully as he can until the time is right to leave. I need to change my heart to be able to joyfully walk alongside with him in this journey. We have a long way to go.

It's already February. I haven't really practiced honoring everyone I meet with love. I'm trying. One step at a time. When things get discouraging, I have the tendency to be more self-absorbed and think about my own well-being out of self protection. God, get me out of this mentality please so that I can honor you with the life you've given me.

Random note: In terms of marriage, typically I sleep earlier than the other. There are occasional times that he falls asleep earlier than me, but on the couch. Out of kindness, I try to wake him up so that he could sleep on the bed. But when he's waken up from his sleep, he has a really hard time falling back asleep so he'll get annoyed/mad. The other day, he gently requested: "I'd appreciate it if you don't wake me up when I'm sleeping. I slept at 4AM again yesterday and had to wake up early because I couldn't fall back asleep.". When he said that, I said okay. But my thought process was: I'm glad he said that. We're learning how to better communicate with each other in gentleness and love. I really admire that in our relationship, both parties try as much as they can to make the relationship work better by communicating properly.