Bad sleep

I've been having really bad sleep lately. Part of me can't wait until summer is over 

- summer missions 

- summer retreat

- serving opportunities

- new volunteer recruitments

- new training

- new curriculum

- new resources

- new students

So many things to think about and so little time. I'm excited but I'm stressed because I can't handle it all at once. Covering for the other this week while in Indonesia doesn't help.

I'm thinking about too many things at once which is causing to not depend on God for the help and the wisdom. I need God. He's providing me with these opportunities, in Christ I can do all things. God, please help me to know my boundaries and to know how to spend time with you as in doing your work. 

What to do.

I regularly talk to people in the youth group about their faith and their struggles. When I do, I go home always feeling so much burden but eagerness yet appreciation that God would use a person like me, not skilled, not enough knowledge to walk alongside with people. It drives me crazy because I wish I had the expertise in certain things but I just feel lacking in every aspect. I think to myself - would I give it all up to do this for them fill time and be there for them? Absolutely. They are worth every single minute. To see that I have even a small step in their lives to lead them just a little closer to Christ or have them still in faith even after they go on to college, wow. Why would God use such a person like me? 

Then I think to myself, why don't I just give it all up. And in the practical sense, there are so many reasons why I am obtaining another job or am aspiring to obtain another job, but what am I to do, God? I need help. 

Employed three months.

I've been employed at this place for the past three months. After being here, I've finally made the decision that I'm never again going to accept a job that I don't care about or cannot learn from or just any job. From here on out, I will only accept jobs and apply to jobs that I can utilize my skills, passions and things I find meaningful in. I started the job looking process in the counseling field after much thought because being employed in the church full time his highly unlikely for a variety of reasons, and I know the process is going to be pretty hard because of my lack of experience but I'm praying that God would provide me a job that I would be able to excel and enjoy in, one that is not too strenuous and require more than 40 hours a week so that I can still spend time with family and serve in church and have enough vacation days to have some me-time and also plan church retreats/conferences and training. It's a high request, but he knows what I need.

Overworked.

There has been so many things happening lately but haven't taken the time out to blog.

There are sometimes I just wish I had a normal life where I could work a regular 40 hours a week, go home and spend time with my son and actually be a mother and perform mother duties and have other side duties but not with the amount of responsibilities I have now. At the same time, I appreciate what I do because I do a lot because I'm actively speaking into the lives of so many people. It's upsetting because there's so much responsibility and so much to accomplish and hardly a day just to stop and rest and take care of myself. I sometimes feel guilty not accomplishing something in a given day but I shouldn't because I shouldn't be overworking myself to this capacity. I'm giving myself away to so many people but have nothing to give at the end of day to my family and friends. I spend all my time planning so many different things but I can't even plan or prepare for any of my own personal life things. I acknowledge that my life is not my own but I can't help to think I'm not being a good steward to my own body but is it possible to change how life is or will it potentially look like this forever? I really pray for God's wisdom, help and direction.

Why I Fear Having a Baby Again

So many people are having babies lately and the other has asked if its possible to give baby a sibling already. I've said no on various occasions and after much thought, I realized why I fear having a baby again.

Pregnancy was great. Delivery was great. Post-partum was not. And then I realized why. I brought the baby out a week after delivery. I went to hooding and graduation 2 weeks after the baby was born. And I continued to go out and stress my body out in the mist of the recovery period. I got sick a handful of times. My knees were aching like crazy for months. It was just hard. It was during the summer season and the other constantly had the AC on and I'm very sensitive to that to begin with. Being an overachiever and stubborn person did not work in my benefit and it ended up taking a toll on my body. This is the reason why I'm so hesitant on having a second one. But if and when I do, I have learned my lesson and will stay home until I can't stay home anymore.

Ezra is born tomorrow. Brings back so many memories of last year - will blog about it when the opportunity arises.

3-month update

The past three months have flown by like whoah. I've went through every emotion in the book. The beginning of the year started as a very tough season for me for a various amount of reasons but things have gotten better.

But on 1/25/16 - I got a new job at the hospital - the title is: Patient Access Liaison but the real word for it is, call center. It's a very easy brainless job but it's something I didn't mind taking because it was referred by a good friend in which now I get to see everyday, although I'm getting paid very little, I get to work on a computer where there's some downtime and I don't have to see patients so it's not as demanding as my church job, and the commute is amazing, it's a total of 30 minutes one way including finding parking. And if I was being dropped off, then I could leave my house 20 minutes prior to start time and still be on time. I haven't experienced that in forever! I get home at 5:30 and get to play with the baby for a good amount of hours before he goes to bed. I don't know how long I see myself here for, there's a lot of cons at this job, but it'll do for now. I don't know I'm ready to commit to another demanding job yet because I'm doing so much at church already.

It's interesting because I prioritize church and have been revolving all my schedules around church duties. I accepted this job so that I can focus more on my church stuff even though I know I can find a job that is more related to my field and learn things that are more exciting and can challenge me in my degree. And I do so because God provided an opportunity where the other and I can serve together and be used in a capacity that challenges us and in a place where we feel like we are great fit in. Because it's ministry and God entrusted us with it, I probably will continue to prioritize this because I'll be here regardless of working here or not.

Mondays have been my do nothing day. I've been watch "the Bachelor" with the other after work and have committed to doing no work after work. It's been nice and although I know I should be doing stuff, I need time to myself and Monday nights have been that day.

I've been pretty stressed and occupied with preparing for mission trip and there's a lot of in between things like events, sunday and friday messages and activities, retreats, baptism, preparing for teacher meetings, keeping pastors and deacons up to date and it just goes on and on and on, like nonstop. In addition, these kids go through so many issues and I'm so glad that they've been trusting me with their lives more but it's been hard to manage and the only thing I can do is to give it up to God and ask God to take care of them as I do whatever I can.

The baby has been growing so quickly and it's so exciting to watch him grow so far. He has a new milestone basically everyday and it's just such a joy to watch a baby grow. Living with the in-laws have been a blessing and there are many things that can cause me to look at things with negative eyes but when I really think about it, I have nothing to complain about because the baby's grandparents love him so dearly, are so supportive of me and the other of whatever we do and they literally are taking care of all of us in the family. It's bitter sweet only in the sense that the baby finds more comfort with grandma but there's no one to blame because she does everything for him and loves him like crazy. One thing I hope I'd be able to handle is baby getting spoiled. Disciplining him will be pretty hard considering the baby literally has her in the palm of his hands but by God's grace, everything will work out for His good.

Oh, I got a haircut with bestie a couple of weeks ago and I got layers for the first time in years. I've been cutting it straight for a while now because perhaps I thought it was going to be more even and it's better (no clue what the thought process was). But I got layers from this indian lady and I really like it. Now when I tie it in a bun and let it loose, it looks like I have nice waves, whereas before with my straight cut, I looked like a mess.

I think that's all I can think about for now.