Illuminate My Heart

Am I a lightbulb or light? 

When I Say "I'm Christian"

One of my favorite poems :)

“When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say. "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.”
― Maya Angelou

Statue of Liberty

"Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!"

cries she ith silent lips.
"Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

—Emma Lazarus, 1883

Last week, my professor spoke about the Statue of Liberty as she opened the first class of the semester. A couple of days later, Rae asked me to go see the Statue of Liberty and so I said yes right away because I never visit it, neither did I ever give it the appreciation it deserves. The Statue of Liberty is the monument that makes us who we are.

Here are some thoughts I want to remember about what we discussed in some classes the first couple of days:

• If you can't say it, pray it.
• Eph 4 -Walking in Unity- speaking the truth in love, we all have something to give to one another.
• Hurt people hurt people.
• We don't want to send bleeding people into the world with more bleeding people in the world.
• Replace things we are throwing out with good, develop new practices.
• We are going to take care of some people, not the world.
• We're cleaning the house in order to move into a new house.
• We are a whole garden of people.
• Learning the truth about yoruself and learning to deal with it.
• Look back to move forward.
• Revisiting open wounds and allowing them to heal.
• No shame, we're not here to make shame.
• In my convolescence and in my infirmities, we have to get up and move.
• Our core values are the same but our exterior is different.
• We have to change.
• Change requires effort and getting out of my comfort zone.
• Learning to be free.
• Look, look, look, look, even when you see blood.
• Jessie Jackson: "We never look down on anybody unless you are helping them up."
• "The idea that we are hepling ministers are to extend our hand to them and to help them stand."
• Einstein's definition of insanity: Engaging over and over again with the same behaviors but expecting different results.
• There are different functions people do in church but God does the healing and the increase.
• I'm not pessimistic, I'm just realistically hopeful.
• Show the model, give people something to follow.
• It is what it is until it's not.
• There's somebody that's assigned to your body.
• We're here to change the atmosphere and not be part of the atmosphere.
• Walk away from other people's view of you.
• We value their opinion, take responbility of your life and remove boundaries.
• What's going on for you is what's going on for you.
• If you are holding onto it, you are not making space for the new thing.
• Living life from God's point of view.
• God is not particularly concerned about your comfort but he cares about your development.
• I want you to go on a private shtu down or else I will shut you down permanently.

Many of these are just quotes that people said in class that I thought were worth keeping. >:]

"Prison to Praise"

The past week, I've been reading this book called "Prison to Praise" by Merlin Carothers recommended by May. I'm a little over halfway done with it -- it's an easy to read and very engaging book about a person's testimony and how God worked in and around his life everywhere he went. As I read, I can't help but feel my heart melting at the way God uses people for his glory. He'll put people in weird situations so that God can reveal himself in it. It's amazing to see how this man weren't set by human boundaries and conditions, but he allowed God to use him His way and not according to the rule book, being bound by denominations and locking God in a small box. Highly recommend this book!

Quotes I want to remember:


p99: "The brightest sunshine below the cloud is the light that many christians live in and accept as normal. The ladder is the ladder of praising Me. Many try to climb and learn to praise Me in all things. At first they are very eager, but when they get into things that they don'tunderstand they become confused and cannot hold on. They lose faith and go sliding back. As they fall, they injure other people who have been hoping to find a way to live in continual joy and praise.

"Those who make it through those difficult times reach a new world and realize that the life they once thought of as normal cannot be compared to the life I have prepared for those who praise Me and believe that I carefully watch over them. He who reaches the light of the heavenly kingdom can walk on top of difficulties no matter how dark they may seem as long as he keeps his eyes off the problem and on My victory in Christ. No matter how difficult it may seem to trust Me to work in every detail of your life, keep clinging to the ladder of praise and move upwards!"

p105: "Some have asked me if this principle of praise isn't just another way to talk about the power of positive thinking. Far from it. Praising God for every circumstance does not mean we close our eyes to the difficulties. In his letter to the Philippians Paul says to worry about nothing, but "in thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, willk eep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

"Looking only at the good side of every situation is often a dangerous way of trying to escape the reality of it. When we praise God we thank Him for our situation, not in spite of it. We are not trying to avoid our dilemmas. Rather Jesus Christ is showing us a way to overcome them."

"For our praise to reach the perfection God wants for us, it needs to be free of any thoughts of reward. Praise is not another way of bargaining witht he Lord. We don't say, "Now we've praise You in the middle of this mess, so get us out of it!" Praising God with a pure heart means we must let God cleanse our hearts from impure motives and hidden designs. We have to experience the dying to self so that we can live again in Christ in newness of mind and spirit."

"Dying to self is a progressive journey, and I have come to believe it is traveled only through praise."

"God is calling us to praise Him, and the highest form of praise is the one Paul exhorts us to give in Hebrews 13:15. The sacrifice of praise is offered when all is darkness around us. it is offered of a heavey heart, unto God because He is God and Father and Lord.

"As we begin to praise Him, on whatever step of the ladder we may be, His Holy Spirit begins to fill our beings more and more. To continually praise Him means to steady decreasing of self and an increase of the presence of Christ within us until with Peter we rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory."

Power of Praise

Awwwwww I'm a little disappointed that Florence is forced to drop all her classes this semester. :( But at the same time, praise God, because he's in control and he must have a reason for this. I was looking forward to taking so many classes with her and studying together because she became such a close friend and awesome sister in Christ. She's one of the main people who just encouraged me to apply for Nyack just by her presence, without her having to say anything. But thank you God for this situation. I can't wait to see what you had planned for her and how you are going to deal with this.

Merlin Carothers said, "Praising God for every circumstance does not mean we close our eyes to the difficulties. Looking only at the good side of every situation is often a dangerous way of trying to escape the reality of it. When we praise God we thank Him for our situation, not in spite of it. We are not trying to avoid our dilemmas. Rather Jesus Christ is showing us a way to overcome them. Praising God with a pure heart means we must let God cleanse our hearts from impure motives and hidden designs. We have to experience the dying to self so that we can live again in Christ in newness of mind and spirit." 

"Chippie the Parakeet"

Here's a story the professor read to us to encourage us, it was cute:
Googled it, and found out it's quoted from "In the Eye of the Storm" by Max Lucado.

CHIPPIE THE PARAKEET NEVER saw it coming. One second he was peacefully perched in his cage. The next he was sucked in, washed up, and blown over. The problems began when Chippie's owner decided to clean Chippie's cage with a vacuum cleaner. She removed the attachment from the end of the hose and stuck it in the cage. The phone rang, and she turned to pick it up. She'd barely said 'hello' when 'sssopp!' Chippie got sucked in.

The bird owner gasped, put down the phone, turned off the vacuum, and opened the bag. There was Chippie-- still alive, but stunned. Since the bird was covered with dust and soot, she grabbed him and raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and held Chippie under the running water. Then, realizing that Chippie was soaked and shivering, she did what any compassionate bird owner would do . . she reached for the hair dryer and blasted the pet with hot air.

Poor Chippie never knew what hit him.

A few days after the trauma, the reporter who'd initially written about the event contacted Chippie's owner to see how the bird was recovering. 'Well,' she replied, 'Chippie doesn't sing much anymorc he just sits and stares.'

It's hard not to see why. Sucked in, washed up, and blown over . . . that's enough to steal the song from the stoutest heart.

Can you relate to Chippie? Most of us can. One minute you're seated in familiar territory with a song on your lips, then . . . The pink slip comes. The rejection letter arrives. The doctor calls. The divorce papers are delivered. The check bounces. A policeman knocks on your door.

"Sssopp! You're sucked into a black cavern of doubts, doused with the cold water of reality, and stung with the hot air of empty promises.

"The life that had been so calm is now so stormy. You're hailstormed by demands. Assailed by doubts. Pummeled by questions. And somewhere in the trauma, you lose your joy. Somewhere in the storm, you lose your song. Life will test you, but don't let it steal your song.



First Days of School

I've taken two classes so far and looking forward to my other two classes tomorrow. So far so good. The first day of school, I had such a great time. The professor was great, the couple of people I interacted with were awesome. The class was diverse in ethnicity, age, experience but all of us come with the purpose to serve people because we truly love people.

My first day of class was definitely a different experience. Typical class starts off with going straight into the syllabus, but the professor started off the class with prayer and then a reading of a passage from the Scripture. Definitely something I wasn't used to. When the professor said something relating to God and truth, you would hear students go, "MHMM!" It was such a blessing to be part of that environment. The first class was beyond my expectations and something I would love to look forward to go to.

The second class on Saturday was just alright. Because the first class set the bar, the second class was little bit of a snoozer though some said it was great. She came to class one hour late because she couldn't find the new building we were in, and then she just threw at us some basic information we could've read for ourselves in the textbook. I expected more, she was trying and that was her teaching style. She tried to be interactive but it wasn't the same. I'm looking for this class to be much better than that in the coming weeks.

I wanted to get a part time job to make some side cash, but I'm not sure if that's possible because the workload seems to be overwhelming and I'm aiming to ace all the classes. Ordered about 25 books over the weekend, and we have to read all this within one semester, that's crazy, but at the same time I'm looking foward to it! Let the studying begin!

My God make my passion and mission clearer as I take steps to progress towards my future.

Survival Will?

Over the past couple of weeks, I've mentioned to some people that I have a low sense of survival will. Reason being is because all these action movies I've been watching signify people who are willing to go great lengths to protect their lives and make sure they live, even if they are the last man standing. There are so many true stories about it also. Everytime I watch movies or hear stories, it makes me think and then I think that I would never be able to do that. I would never struggle hard enough to make sure I live if I have to always be on the lookout for my life, escaping from bad people, or if the world is ending, I would scrape every corner of a room to try to look for food. Bruce said that it's human nature/instinct to survive, my body wouldn't allow me to just sit there and die. But I just thought because I'm so weak, I have no strength to save myself, I'll just let myself do so.

There was a minor earthquake a couple of weeks ago and I was in room studying and Bruce and Sasha were in another room. The moment everything started shaking, they ran into the room I was in and was wondering why I didn't panic. I just sat there with my book in my hand. Bruce kept saying, let's go let's go. And I kept questioning him, why? Because if the building collapsed, it would harm the people outside, so might as well just stay inside. I know, I know, stupid reasoning.

The other day, the professor was reminding us about 9/11. There were so many people who survived from that tragedy because they made sure they ran. Then I thought about it again: If I was in the building on that day, I probably would've made a run for it as fast as possible also.

It made me think twice, because I guess if I was put into a situation where things like this happen, I probably would do my best to live. We only live one life, there's no way I would just sit there and let myself die.

... My mind thinks such weird things lol.

Crazy Lady

Yesterday I was sitting next to this lady that wouldn't stop bothering my parents about finding her a place to live in. She supposedly knew my parents for over 30 years and was one of the few first to move to NY. She used to be those top real estate agents. Then recently, after one closing, something happened and everything went down hill and people are not tracking her down, following her, and making sure she has no place to live. Rudely and naggingly, she kept bothering my parents, and even Jerry and I if she can squeeze in with us over nice, or if she can come over our house. My mom already told her "no" because she has to pack and fly out of states and she has to finish a lot of things. She still kept insisting and nagging and it was really driving me crazy. We made a detour to mom's old friend's house, and she was like, "Hey, ask her if I can sleep over her house for the night". And my mom said "no" she lives with her husband in a small studio, she can't fit. And my parents were trying to be as helpful as possible but she was really getting on my nerves because she wasn't being respectful about it. Finally we got to our Flushing home and then we saw a car right in front of our house. Everyone in the car got paranoid and thought that the car was there for her. She was memorizing their license plates and telling us, I have to be careful they might be trying to get me. That's when I snapped and I said this is enough and this is ridiculous. I was trying to be nice to her, but she was getting out of hand. Well, at the end of the night, we let her live one night in a room in our Flushing house, but omigoodness that was some hard work. I don't want her to categorize her as "crazy" but it's a lack of a better word. I feel horrible for her, but at the same time, a little respect would do. It was definitely not a great end to the beautiful day I had.

I'm a Student again!

I'm officially a student again, enrolled in the Masters of Mental Health Counseling Masters Program at Nyack College. I have 66 credits to take, 700 hours of internship to fulfill, go through 15 sessions of personal counseling myself, and a whole lot of studying to do. Going to be a full timer -- 12 credits on top of one online ungrad course, I'm pretty excited. Everything went by so smoothly the past couple of weeks, I'm excited to see how the future will be like because everything is still so up in the air. I have weekend classes though :(  -- Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday. But it's okay. I'm excited. All that stressful studying paid off. Praise God.

Study Study.

Let's see how this goes today.
Today I was supposed to take the test and pass it, then register for class and then go to orientation tonight.
Well, the first one didn't work out well because of a stupid mistake I made, and now I have to take the test some other day, hopefully and probably tomorrow. Hopefully the counselor will still allow me to register for classes and go to orientation tonight because I'm determined to pass this.

I'm tired, a little anxious because I've been anticipating this all week, and want to sleep more before I continue a little more studying. Studied so many hours yesterday, by last night everything seemed like a blur. I have a lot more to do, I'm thankful for another day, hopefully everything still rolls smoothly despite my little mistake.

I'm thinking about it, if I do pass and enroll this Fall. By next Spring I'd already be one year into the program. Time flies, this degree will go by in no time, sort of exciting but at the same time, what to do from there? We'll see about that.