Ministry Begins at Home

My coworker found out that a very well-respected and high-esteemed preacher has a daughter who had a child when she was 14 years old. This information was not exposed to the public and no one knew about it except for the church (comprised of 35,000 people on an average Sunday).

Because my coworker recently found out, she was shocked and her immediate thought was... for this preacher, family became second priority and ministry in the church became first. He was too busy attending speaking engagements around the world and caring for other people's lives that he did not have enough time to care for his family.

She was a firm believer that ministry begins at the home. If she was offered a speaking engagement elsewhere, she would say no if her son (she's a single mother) was not right with God. This was very important for her. She's a firm believer that the parent has to be present in the child's life not to watch everything he/she is doing, but at least to speak truth into their life. It's great to be praying for the kids twenty four hours a day, but it is also very important to not just pray but be present in the child's life.

It then made me think about a pastor I know who had three kids that has already grown up. He's a very spiritual and well-respected pastor, prays for hours and hours a day and everyone can tell he's a spiritual man. His three kids, though, have all seem to keep God as the farthest thing from their mind. They attend church for the sake of respecting their parents, but when it comes to their relationship with God, it was not so important. It's interesting because in the Asian culture, it does not seem that the parents take so much of an active role in the child's life. Our Christian Asian parents pray for their kids all the time, but don't spend enough to be intentionally around their kids and speak life into them.

Growing up in a family where my parents spent most of their time outside of the home made me think how I would raise my future kids. I, also, am going to be in ministry for the rest of my life with my other. I hope that we can actively always pray for our kids together as well as be actively involved in their life too.

Invitation

My coworker told me a testimony regarding something that happened in her life not too long ago.

It went something like this. Someone brought a new comer to church. The new comers have new comer meetings where they are introduced to the gospel. There was this one new comer who came in saying that she sought out all religions, all religions are the same, and kept talking back at my coworker, who was the leader of the group for that week. The newcomers heart was obviously closed and she just kept going on and on regarding her own philosophies and such. My coworker was praying to God under her breath and trying to hear from God what she should do. She knew that starting a debate wouldn't help, then they'd just go in circles arguing about the same thing. Then, it came to her, my coworker stopped the newcomer and said something like this with the most sincerity:

"Newcomer, today, I want to give you an invitation. I'm not sure if you've received this invitation or not but today you can. Would you like to receive Jesus Christ in your life as your Lord and Savior today? It's not something that I can do, but I promise your life won't be the same. It's really up to you to open your heart and receive it."

To her surprise, the newcomer said yes, prayed with my coworker and wanted to start a relationship with God.

This testimony reminds me that as a Christian, going back and forth to tackle topics and always trying to other peoples questions might not always be the answer. Sometimes, we get so busy tackling topics that we forget to ask the most important question. Why talk about him when we can really get to know him by just accepting the invitation.

That's my problem too, sometimes, I allow things to be too logical in my head and forget that I've already received Christ and he has control over everything.

Tears Of...

The times when I get emotional are the times I remember the most. Why? Just because. When tears come down, that's a different story. I usually would say I don't cry a lot, but I realize I do and in the past couple of years, I can remember the exact moments when I was cried... so I just wanted to list them. Lol. For some occasions, there are songs that remind me of these times.

In recent years, I've cried because...

• Someone else's mother died. I just thought about the moments that they're going to want their mother so much but they'd only be left with the memories of their mother. 
• Songs: Enough by Chris Tomlin & Before the Throne of God.
  Acknowledging that God is more than enough for us is true, but it takes so much faith to actually confess that and believe it.
• I've grown so attached to some of the friends I made in the Philippines and it just hurt so much knowing that we won't see each other for a very long time.
• Songs: Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture and Nothing is Impossible by PlanetShakers
  When I hear these songs, I'll always remember when one of the guys sang these songs on the last day. The way people in a third world country sing this song compared to the way we do is so much different. To confess that God's love never fails and to know that nothing is impossible for God requires a different type of faith for our friends in the Philippines.
• Fear of a close one's death due to a stroke. 
• Song: Great I Am by New Life Worship.
  When we were leading this song during worship, I could recall the moment where kindred soul and I couldn't help but to cry as we declare that God is the Great I Am no matter what happens.
• Fear of losing a close friend and when nothing seemed to go right in life.
• Song: I Will Trust You by Hillsong.
  I remember while I was playing piano on stage and singing this song. Life just wasn't going the right way during that season of my life but I begging him to come to me during the weak seasons of my life and that I would trust him regardless of my emotions.
• When I felt so broken and just needed God so bad.
• Song: The More I Seek You.
  I remember just bowing before God at a retreat during a very tough season in life and it was comforting yet overwhelming to know that the more we seek God, the more we'll find him. I couldn't even muster up the voice to sing those lyrics, just his presence was overwhelming.
  
  Now that I'm reflecting back, I remember all those days so clearly, as if it were yesterday. I remember the feelings I felt, the pain in my heart while I was just struggling with God. Thinking about it, these songs actually really helped me keep my focus on God, it helped me to acknowledge that God is everything and I just need to give my situation up to him. In what seemed to me as hopeless situations during that time, these songs reminded me to stop looking at myself and look to God. Now these songs are personal for me and touch me in a different way when I listen to them.
  
  There were other times I cried because...
• I miss my grandma so much after I left her in 2010 and it hurt so much to know that I wasn't going to have her around that much longer and that we lived so far apart. Seeing her servants heart just broke me to pieces.
• After grandma died, I didn't think it would affect me that much. But there are moments where I think about her and I just miss her so much. My interaction with her was merely only one month before she got cancer, but the impact she had on my life was eternal.
• Seeing what a servant heart one of the mother's in the Philippines was. Leaving her felt like I was leaving my own mother.
• Feeling blessed and so grateful because of another person's personal testimony.
• When someone comes to Christ.
• Out of desperation and hopelessness because the fighting during my childhood wouldn't stop. 
• I've been hurt and don't want to be hurt again.
• I was touched by the reconciling relationship between two people.
• I feel anxiety, overwhelmed and hopeless in some life situations.

Reflecting on all of these moments... and getting out of a lot of these moments in one piece... it just continues to remind me of how small I am and how big God is. I'm just a little piece in the puzzle that he's using. I do thank God to be able to feel joy and pain and a bunch of different emotions. It continues to remind me that I'm human.

Ups and Downs

There are moments where nothing seems to go right in life and there are other moments where everything in life is amazing.

Recently, it's more of the first one. And in these moments, I want so much to trust God but being the human that I am, I can't help but to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious and heavy and unable to focus and concentrate on the things I need to do and distracted and then I become focused on myself and angry and unproductive and unhappy and then I count everything in my life thats not going right and then I feel so helpless, hopeless, discouraged. It's hard to appreciate and see the good out of things when everything is going wrong. I start idolizing the things that are going wrong instead of focusing on the things that are going right.

But still, I want to trust God, I need to rely  on God. I need to trust in his faithfulness. I need to keep my focus on Him rather than myself. I need to look at the bigger picture. I need to count my blessings. I need to pick myself up and just get over it because it's going to get better eventually. Maybe it won't but I need to change my perspective and readjust my focus.

In the lent devotional, this quote encouraged me: Lent is not about your faithfulness, but rather about the faithfulness of Jesus on your behalf. He is the faithful One! 

Everything that's going wrong all seem to minuscule compared to Jesus did for us on his short time on earth, but yet I still throw myself a pity party over it.

Either way, whatever I'm feeling, it'll all pass eventually. God is still good. Thank you God for everything. 

Death

--- Saturday ---

This morning, we found out that one of the church members past away due to breast cancer. She's been in and out of the hospital the past couple of months, she's been coping with it and trying to stay and strong and positive as she could. Actually, she might've been the only person in the whole church that was the most servant hearted and smiled even through her struggles.

She has three kids - ages 13, 8 and 5 and a husband. Every week in church, you could see how close the children are to their mothers, I wonder how much the parents prepared their children prepared for this. I knew that the kids knew that mom was sick, but did they know how sick? I wonder what I would do if I were in the parents position. How would I bring it up to the children? How would I cope with it as a mother. Such tough decisions to make.

--- Sunday ---

We went to church this morning and it was pretty silent and heavy day. Crying and tears here and there but it was funny because the kids and the husband came to church and they didn't have any tears shed. It was all the other members who were crying.

Anyway, I overheard in the midst of conversations that the youngest one asked "Where's mom?" the next morning after mother's death.

While I had her on my lap while singing praise songs, she turned around to me and said, "My mom died." She didn't show much emotions, couldn't tell whether she was happy or not. But I was just extremely sad and so I tried so hard to tear without her seeing. It might've not hit her yet but it's so painful to see these young kids without their mother who loved them so much.

After lunch, David told me her heard the saddest thing in his life. He was talking to the middle one and was like -- You know your moms not dead right? She goes "I know". "You'll see her again someday". She goes: "I know, but I wish I could still touch her." GAH!

Either these kids are strong and have been prepared well or they are still in shock that their mother died. Whatever the case is, just imagining what it's like without a mother is heartbreaking.

This reminds me of a couple of years ago when one of the little girls at the old church asked me: "Can you be my mom?" With confusion, I asked her: "How come you want me to be your mom, you already have a mom." And she goes: "My father died when I was a baby, what if my mother dies too?" Man. Sigh.