Tears Of...

The times when I get emotional are the times I remember the most. Why? Just because. When tears come down, that's a different story. I usually would say I don't cry a lot, but I realize I do and in the past couple of years, I can remember the exact moments when I was cried... so I just wanted to list them. Lol. For some occasions, there are songs that remind me of these times.

In recent years, I've cried because...

• Someone else's mother died. I just thought about the moments that they're going to want their mother so much but they'd only be left with the memories of their mother. 
• Songs: Enough by Chris Tomlin & Before the Throne of God.
  Acknowledging that God is more than enough for us is true, but it takes so much faith to actually confess that and believe it.
• I've grown so attached to some of the friends I made in the Philippines and it just hurt so much knowing that we won't see each other for a very long time.
• Songs: Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture and Nothing is Impossible by PlanetShakers
  When I hear these songs, I'll always remember when one of the guys sang these songs on the last day. The way people in a third world country sing this song compared to the way we do is so much different. To confess that God's love never fails and to know that nothing is impossible for God requires a different type of faith for our friends in the Philippines.
• Fear of a close one's death due to a stroke. 
• Song: Great I Am by New Life Worship.
  When we were leading this song during worship, I could recall the moment where kindred soul and I couldn't help but to cry as we declare that God is the Great I Am no matter what happens.
• Fear of losing a close friend and when nothing seemed to go right in life.
• Song: I Will Trust You by Hillsong.
  I remember while I was playing piano on stage and singing this song. Life just wasn't going the right way during that season of my life but I begging him to come to me during the weak seasons of my life and that I would trust him regardless of my emotions.
• When I felt so broken and just needed God so bad.
• Song: The More I Seek You.
  I remember just bowing before God at a retreat during a very tough season in life and it was comforting yet overwhelming to know that the more we seek God, the more we'll find him. I couldn't even muster up the voice to sing those lyrics, just his presence was overwhelming.
  
  Now that I'm reflecting back, I remember all those days so clearly, as if it were yesterday. I remember the feelings I felt, the pain in my heart while I was just struggling with God. Thinking about it, these songs actually really helped me keep my focus on God, it helped me to acknowledge that God is everything and I just need to give my situation up to him. In what seemed to me as hopeless situations during that time, these songs reminded me to stop looking at myself and look to God. Now these songs are personal for me and touch me in a different way when I listen to them.
  
  There were other times I cried because...
• I miss my grandma so much after I left her in 2010 and it hurt so much to know that I wasn't going to have her around that much longer and that we lived so far apart. Seeing her servants heart just broke me to pieces.
• After grandma died, I didn't think it would affect me that much. But there are moments where I think about her and I just miss her so much. My interaction with her was merely only one month before she got cancer, but the impact she had on my life was eternal.
• Seeing what a servant heart one of the mother's in the Philippines was. Leaving her felt like I was leaving my own mother.
• Feeling blessed and so grateful because of another person's personal testimony.
• When someone comes to Christ.
• Out of desperation and hopelessness because the fighting during my childhood wouldn't stop. 
• I've been hurt and don't want to be hurt again.
• I was touched by the reconciling relationship between two people.
• I feel anxiety, overwhelmed and hopeless in some life situations.

Reflecting on all of these moments... and getting out of a lot of these moments in one piece... it just continues to remind me of how small I am and how big God is. I'm just a little piece in the puzzle that he's using. I do thank God to be able to feel joy and pain and a bunch of different emotions. It continues to remind me that I'm human.