One Day at a Time

Up to date, I have 90 hours of internship left, 60 of which have to be face to face time hours. I have a deadline of about 5 weeks before terminating with the clients. It's very likely I may not be able to complete internship to graduate in May, but going to push it through until I can't anymore. Step by step, one day at a time.

Comps  are in less than 8 days. I don't feel nervous but I don't feel prepared at all. There's so much more to study and it seems almost impossible to remember all these theorists names, theories, concepts, terms but step by step, one day a time.

44 more days until baby's due. Baby's moving and kicking a lot more now. Sleeping has been increasingly more uncomfortable. Sitting too long makes my legs feel like they are losing circulation. Sort of frustrating.

The other started cooking for me again the past couple of weeks and when he can, he'll try to scoop me up from wherever I'm at. I do appreciate being able to eat healthy again without having to spend on deli foods that I do not feel are worth it.

Ministry related duties have been put a little bit on the back burner and the other has been picking up a lot of my slack. I'm still doing all the administrative portions of it and at least once a week I try to text some folks to ask how they are doing. Every week, I have a goal in my mind of reaching out to a bunch of people just to follow up with them but every week, by the time I blink, it's already Friday, the end of the week and I wonder where the whole week went. God has grace on me in this regard.

Lent - Day 4

What have you learned about God and yourself in these first days of lent?

I learned that God has his priorities straight and I don't. He knew what he was called here to do and I'm more or less a mess.

What areas of fear or pride are hindering you from fully committing to this journey?

I have fear of not being able to pass my comp exam that's in less than three weeks and I'm afraid that the time I'm using on God-ward things will take up my study time.

How would you articulate your need for God and your longing to know his presence and power more authentically than you do?

I will give my fear over to God and make sure to spend time developing and cultivating my relationship with Christ. I'm giving over my fear to him knowing that he has the whole world in his hands and without him, I would not be able to study in the first place. I will commit to keeping Him first and depending on him for all things, especially studying, finishing this internship, doing well at work, completing school work on time, serving in the ministry and just balancing social/personal life matters.

The Conditions We Live In

So the other texted me today saying that he got a flat tire and he changed it to a spare. This was our conversation:

Me: So you have two spares on the car now?
Him: Yup. It looks like a clown car.
Me: Love it. Clown car lives in garbage city.
Him: With cat poop everywhere.
Me: LOL.
Him: No doorbell.
Me: (At this point, I'm dying and cracking up in my little cubicle)
Him: Address written with marker.
Me: And one too many garbage cans.
Him: Only the living room is livable space.
Him: Drain doesn't work.
Him: Crazy lady in attic.
Him: Lights always go out.
Me: If people hear this, they will think we are crazy.
Him: House is crooked
Me: Windows fall down on their own.

Anyway, this made me laugh because I actually thought we were living pretty well until we listed all the ridiculous things we face because of the place we are living in. If our living conditions got better in the future, we can definitely laugh at this even harder years from now.

I'm very grateful that despite all these little dysfunctional things, I thank God for heat that works very well and hot water.

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

"We cannot be spiritually mature if we are not emotionally healthy."

Walter Marr

I went to some church event to support Tito Virgils Christmas musical he was helping the church with. I was very blessed by this man: Walter Marr on his representation of sharing the christmas story. 

http://waltmarr.com/

University of Luzon

In the Philippines this year, when we visited University of Luzon, they said "Thank you for your cawit." Just wanted to remember what it was:

C - commitment

A - availability

W - willingness

I - interest

T - time, talents and treasures 

Engage and Embrace

I want to engage in all my strengths and embrace all my passions. 

Last Stretch.

59 days left until I officially become a mother, craziness.

One thing that has been fascinating through this whole process thus far is that there is actually a live human being growing inside my body. I can feel him moving and growing bigger as each week passes. I've been noticing that I've been walking funnier each week as well.

Although I wish I could've had more time to relax and just appreciate this time of pregnancy, I feel like I've put the thought of being a mother (but just mentally preparing myself) on the back burner and trying to accomplish whatever that needs to be accomplished as soon as possible for this baby comes out.

I realize that I'm a little crazy for trying to kill myself to try to graduate and complete as many internship hours as I could in such a short period of time, and I acknowledge that it's nearly impossible for me to graduate in May because I still have so many face to face hours left, but I'm going to still shoot for it and overwork myself until the day I pop. I honestly just don't want to think about the idea of school and studying and meeting demanding deadlines anymore after this baby comes out. If I have to, I'll try to graduate in August, but one step at a time and I'll worry about that until I get there.

There are lots of people close to me that are going through some major life transitions as well and I feel sad that I am unable to be there for them and spend a little more time with them as they move onto the next season of life. One of my mommy friends is moving to Panama in less than 10 days and I have yet to stop by her place to visit her, say hi to her, bid her farewell. She's actually giving me a handful of baby hand-me-downs and it sucks that I'm not able to just spend more time with her and just appreciate her for her.

Although other people may think that's inconsiderate of me, I can only do so much and unfortunately this season hasn't been the easiest one in terms of maneuvering around my time and energy. By the time I get home every day, I'm mentally and physically drained, not even being able to give any energy or attention to the significant other.

I decided to draw out a map for myself to remind myself in the future when I look back at this to see what I often put myself through.

 

This is roughly what my daily schedule looks like. In the future, if I ever look for another job, I'm going to remind myself never to find a job that's too far away from home. I'm tired of commuting at least 1.5 hours everyday just to get to my destination. Although I can make use of my time by sleeping, praying, reading the Bible, reading a book, or studying, it's not the ideal place to do any of that. I guess my only "me-time" is on the train, the only time I get peace and quiet and do whatever I want to do without much distraction, so it is appreciated but again, not the best place to do it at. Everyday, I feel like I'm running around from one thing to the next, not much time to breathe, not much time to squeeze in social life, and whatever free time I have, I try to use it to do something productive, if not, then I'll just sleep.

In less than a month is my comps -- I've been trying to study but it's been pretty difficult to retain all this information and names that look the same. It is only by God's grace that I'm going to pass this exam.

 

I have 150 internship hours to complete in the next 7 weeks. That means I need to see about 11 clients a week without them cancelling and do about 10 additional administrative hours a week. Not sure how that's going to be achieved, but by God's grace, I'll be as close as I can get so that I can at least get an incomplete, and graduate by August. If I can't graduate by May, I'm not going to kill myself over it, I did what I can.

 

The other has been picking up my slack in terms of prepping for messages on Fridays and Sundays. That saves me a lot of time to try to do some other things. I do wish that I had more time to clean and make room to prep for the baby when the baby comes, but thus far, it's been pretty difficult to do that. I know that in the next couple of weeks, the senior pastor is going to be a little more lenient on me and not require me to always come in on Saturdays so that I could get some rest. During that time, I hope to be able to clean a little and just get some rest.

It's bummer because whatever little available time I have, I don't bother making plans with people lately because it's just difficult to spread myself thinner than I already am, but by God's grace, if he will allow me, all of this will get done!

This entry was just for me to vent to myself about how much I'm doing in so little time so that I can remind myself how ridiculous I am sometimes. God, I hope that eventually, I'll be able to balance my life in a more healthy and life-giving way.
 

Little Encouragement

There are many times where I'm tired and exhausted and weary and drained because of all the responsibilities that I am carrying, these times are one of them. This semester, I'm doing whatever I can to push myself to finish this internship because I just want to be over with this masters degree to be able to focus on the baby when he comes out. Anyway, I have anxiety over not being able to obtain enough clients and these snow days aren't helping at all. At the same time, since I have that horrible mentality of wanting to finish, sometimes it's hard to see if I'm making any sort of impact or help in any of my clients life because I'm so busy dealing with a thousand other things in life. But just a couple of minutes ago, I got an email from a client that didn't come back this semester. I've been seeing her just about every week for a year and a half. And there were many times, times were so hard even I doubted if there was any hope for her. But she sent me this email:

Hey Joan,

I wanted to share with you that last week I shared my entire testimony with the girls I am working with. It's still surreal to me that I was able to trust a group of females enough to be completely honest with. I wanted to thank you for always encouraging me, and for being patient with me through this journey.  You, better than anyone, know I have been looking forward to the day I would be able to stand and tell people my true story. I was more amazed at the fact I was also able to do it with very few tears, and I know I couldn't have gotten here without your help. 

Thank you again! 

Little things like this make what I do worth it, just those little things. It's worth it to sometimes to go that one extra yard and be tired if someone else was positively impacted by it. In the meantime, God, please give me strength, I can't do this on my own.