59 days left until I officially become a mother, craziness.
One thing that has been fascinating through this whole process thus far is that there is actually a live human being growing inside my body. I can feel him moving and growing bigger as each week passes. I've been noticing that I've been walking funnier each week as well.
Although I wish I could've had more time to relax and just appreciate this time of pregnancy, I feel like I've put the thought of being a mother (but just mentally preparing myself) on the back burner and trying to accomplish whatever that needs to be accomplished as soon as possible for this baby comes out.
I realize that I'm a little crazy for trying to kill myself to try to graduate and complete as many internship hours as I could in such a short period of time, and I acknowledge that it's nearly impossible for me to graduate in May because I still have so many face to face hours left, but I'm going to still shoot for it and overwork myself until the day I pop. I honestly just don't want to think about the idea of school and studying and meeting demanding deadlines anymore after this baby comes out. If I have to, I'll try to graduate in August, but one step at a time and I'll worry about that until I get there.
There are lots of people close to me that are going through some major life transitions as well and I feel sad that I am unable to be there for them and spend a little more time with them as they move onto the next season of life. One of my mommy friends is moving to Panama in less than 10 days and I have yet to stop by her place to visit her, say hi to her, bid her farewell. She's actually giving me a handful of baby hand-me-downs and it sucks that I'm not able to just spend more time with her and just appreciate her for her.
Although other people may think that's inconsiderate of me, I can only do so much and unfortunately this season hasn't been the easiest one in terms of maneuvering around my time and energy. By the time I get home every day, I'm mentally and physically drained, not even being able to give any energy or attention to the significant other.
I decided to draw out a map for myself to remind myself in the future when I look back at this to see what I often put myself through.
In less than a month is my comps -- I've been trying to study but it's been pretty difficult to retain all this information and names that look the same. It is only by God's grace that I'm going to pass this exam.
It's bummer because whatever little available time I have, I don't bother making plans with people lately because it's just difficult to spread myself thinner than I already am, but by God's grace, if he will allow me, all of this will get done!
This entry was just for me to vent to myself about how much I'm doing in so little time so that I can remind myself how ridiculous I am sometimes. God, I hope that eventually, I'll be able to balance my life in a more healthy and life-giving way.
One thing that has been fascinating through this whole process thus far is that there is actually a live human being growing inside my body. I can feel him moving and growing bigger as each week passes. I've been noticing that I've been walking funnier each week as well.
Although I wish I could've had more time to relax and just appreciate this time of pregnancy, I feel like I've put the thought of being a mother (but just mentally preparing myself) on the back burner and trying to accomplish whatever that needs to be accomplished as soon as possible for this baby comes out.
I realize that I'm a little crazy for trying to kill myself to try to graduate and complete as many internship hours as I could in such a short period of time, and I acknowledge that it's nearly impossible for me to graduate in May because I still have so many face to face hours left, but I'm going to still shoot for it and overwork myself until the day I pop. I honestly just don't want to think about the idea of school and studying and meeting demanding deadlines anymore after this baby comes out. If I have to, I'll try to graduate in August, but one step at a time and I'll worry about that until I get there.
There are lots of people close to me that are going through some major life transitions as well and I feel sad that I am unable to be there for them and spend a little more time with them as they move onto the next season of life. One of my mommy friends is moving to Panama in less than 10 days and I have yet to stop by her place to visit her, say hi to her, bid her farewell. She's actually giving me a handful of baby hand-me-downs and it sucks that I'm not able to just spend more time with her and just appreciate her for her.
Although other people may think that's inconsiderate of me, I can only do so much and unfortunately this season hasn't been the easiest one in terms of maneuvering around my time and energy. By the time I get home every day, I'm mentally and physically drained, not even being able to give any energy or attention to the significant other.
I decided to draw out a map for myself to remind myself in the future when I look back at this to see what I often put myself through.
This is roughly what my daily schedule looks like. In the future, if I ever look for another job, I'm going to remind myself never to find a job that's too far away from home. I'm tired of commuting at least 1.5 hours everyday just to get to my destination. Although I can make use of my time by sleeping, praying, reading the Bible, reading a book, or studying, it's not the ideal place to do any of that. I guess my only "me-time" is on the train, the only time I get peace and quiet and do whatever I want to do without much distraction, so it is appreciated but again, not the best place to do it at. Everyday, I feel like I'm running around from one thing to the next, not much time to breathe, not much time to squeeze in social life, and whatever free time I have, I try to use it to do something productive, if not, then I'll just sleep.
In less than a month is my comps -- I've been trying to study but it's been pretty difficult to retain all this information and names that look the same. It is only by God's grace that I'm going to pass this exam.
I have 150 internship hours to complete in the next 7 weeks. That means I need to see about 11 clients a week without them cancelling and do about 10 additional administrative hours a week. Not sure how that's going to be achieved, but by God's grace, I'll be as close as I can get so that I can at least get an incomplete, and graduate by August. If I can't graduate by May, I'm not going to kill myself over it, I did what I can.
The other has been picking up my slack in terms of prepping for messages on Fridays and Sundays. That saves me a lot of time to try to do some other things. I do wish that I had more time to clean and make room to prep for the baby when the baby comes, but thus far, it's been pretty difficult to do that. I know that in the next couple of weeks, the senior pastor is going to be a little more lenient on me and not require me to always come in on Saturdays so that I could get some rest. During that time, I hope to be able to clean a little and just get some rest.
It's bummer because whatever little available time I have, I don't bother making plans with people lately because it's just difficult to spread myself thinner than I already am, but by God's grace, if he will allow me, all of this will get done!
This entry was just for me to vent to myself about how much I'm doing in so little time so that I can remind myself how ridiculous I am sometimes. God, I hope that eventually, I'll be able to balance my life in a more healthy and life-giving way.
Joan,
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy to think that I've known you for like 10 years now...from the day I met you till now..you've forever have been spreading yourself thin. I do pray for peace and more "me" time for yourself..and with the Lord. I know when the baby comes...life will only get busier, but I do pray that you wont be as stressed and wearing yourself out as you have been for the 10 years that I've known you. I truly don't think God wants to see you like that. He said "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" ...just spend as much time as you can with the Lord..as you can..even in this busy life of yours. You're in my thoughts and prayers!