Morning Pages

It's been a while since I've posted anything and I realize that I haven't taken the time to process my thoughts for a while. I was encouraged to write again through an acquaintance's IG post about "morning pages".

He wrote: "The idea is that you sit down, open the book, and start writing for three pages first thing in the morning. Write even if you have nothing to say, write even if it doesn't make sense. Every time I've done it, I started to write down thoughts, feelings, or ideas that I had, but didn't have time to process or think through. It's helped me gain clarity on so many things; from the work I needed to get done that day to navigating through tough relationships and situations. It's not a journal where you read back to see what you did that day. It's 30 minutes of processing that really helps you gain clarity for the rest of the day. And I think it's crucial for deep work. And when things get really busy and stressful you would hope a practice like this would be even more helpful... I just look straight ahead until things are figured out. There's good things to that approach, but I started doing Morning Pages again this week, and I'm realizing the wisdom in being able to take time to assess and strategize. Some people may have the opposite problem: they assess and strategize too much, maybe as an excuse to not actually execute."

I had a bad week.

I had a pretty terrible week.

• Snowstorm - second time calling out of work in two months due to snow storm. My boss is a workaholic so I think me not coming to work affects the way she views me. But for me, it's just not worth it.
• My boss verbally attacked my character - I was pretty shocked because it was over something so small and really not a big deal. "You don't listen and you're supposed to be a counselor, you're not listening." It really affected me because it's hard for me to work under people with such leadership style. I was already not so comfortable with her leadership style but when she said that, it caused me to really just lose respect for her and I haven't even been in this job for three months yet. I really enjoy the job so it would be sad if I didn't stay longer than I would like. But of course, I can't make such predictions yet, I'm just speaking out of emotions.
• Its annoying because I don't have direct training in my job from my boss, I'm learning from someone else who is taking the time and energy to train me but sometimes I wish she would've just gave me guidance. My soon-to-be manager is someone who can't even train me now but instead, she's probably going to be micromanaging my time more and I have to basically train her on what I've been doing the past few months. I don't even look forward to her being my manager either but just hoping for the best.
• Printer ran out of ink - I had not getting out orders in time, it frustrates me because as much as I find it a hassle to go and print daily, I like getting them out of the way and doing things in excellence. The ink is coming by Monday so basically I have to rush these orders and ugh it's just inconvenient and annoying.
• Ezra had a really bad fall and it knocked out a tooth. It hasn't fell off yet but in time it probably will, his upper lip is all swollen and bruised and his right front tooth is sort of disconnected, it's hard to see because it's so sensitive and he doesn't want us to touch his mouth. That really topped off my week and made it just horrible. Thank God he's okay and he's still able to laugh but he can't eat - he'll probably have to be on a soft diet for a couple of days. My pediatrician does not have any empathy at all for someone who takes care of kids, so she just made me want to switch to someone else. Although she couldn't do anything about it, she couldn't even empathize with me. She didn't have to but I would've appreciated it. 

There were a bunch of other things that added on but these were the major things.
It just felt like a big enemy attack this week and emotionally I just feel weak. 

God give me strength, I pray next week would be a little better.

Bad sleep

I've been having really bad sleep lately. Part of me can't wait until summer is over 

- summer missions 

- summer retreat

- serving opportunities

- new volunteer recruitments

- new training

- new curriculum

- new resources

- new students

So many things to think about and so little time. I'm excited but I'm stressed because I can't handle it all at once. Covering for the other this week while in Indonesia doesn't help.

I'm thinking about too many things at once which is causing to not depend on God for the help and the wisdom. I need God. He's providing me with these opportunities, in Christ I can do all things. God, please help me to know my boundaries and to know how to spend time with you as in doing your work. 

What to do.

I regularly talk to people in the youth group about their faith and their struggles. When I do, I go home always feeling so much burden but eagerness yet appreciation that God would use a person like me, not skilled, not enough knowledge to walk alongside with people. It drives me crazy because I wish I had the expertise in certain things but I just feel lacking in every aspect. I think to myself - would I give it all up to do this for them fill time and be there for them? Absolutely. They are worth every single minute. To see that I have even a small step in their lives to lead them just a little closer to Christ or have them still in faith even after they go on to college, wow. Why would God use such a person like me? 

Then I think to myself, why don't I just give it all up. And in the practical sense, there are so many reasons why I am obtaining another job or am aspiring to obtain another job, but what am I to do, God? I need help. 

Employed three months.

I've been employed at this place for the past three months. After being here, I've finally made the decision that I'm never again going to accept a job that I don't care about or cannot learn from or just any job. From here on out, I will only accept jobs and apply to jobs that I can utilize my skills, passions and things I find meaningful in. I started the job looking process in the counseling field after much thought because being employed in the church full time his highly unlikely for a variety of reasons, and I know the process is going to be pretty hard because of my lack of experience but I'm praying that God would provide me a job that I would be able to excel and enjoy in, one that is not too strenuous and require more than 40 hours a week so that I can still spend time with family and serve in church and have enough vacation days to have some me-time and also plan church retreats/conferences and training. It's a high request, but he knows what I need.

Overworked.

There has been so many things happening lately but haven't taken the time out to blog.

There are sometimes I just wish I had a normal life where I could work a regular 40 hours a week, go home and spend time with my son and actually be a mother and perform mother duties and have other side duties but not with the amount of responsibilities I have now. At the same time, I appreciate what I do because I do a lot because I'm actively speaking into the lives of so many people. It's upsetting because there's so much responsibility and so much to accomplish and hardly a day just to stop and rest and take care of myself. I sometimes feel guilty not accomplishing something in a given day but I shouldn't because I shouldn't be overworking myself to this capacity. I'm giving myself away to so many people but have nothing to give at the end of day to my family and friends. I spend all my time planning so many different things but I can't even plan or prepare for any of my own personal life things. I acknowledge that my life is not my own but I can't help to think I'm not being a good steward to my own body but is it possible to change how life is or will it potentially look like this forever? I really pray for God's wisdom, help and direction.

Why I Fear Having a Baby Again

So many people are having babies lately and the other has asked if its possible to give baby a sibling already. I've said no on various occasions and after much thought, I realized why I fear having a baby again.

Pregnancy was great. Delivery was great. Post-partum was not. And then I realized why. I brought the baby out a week after delivery. I went to hooding and graduation 2 weeks after the baby was born. And I continued to go out and stress my body out in the mist of the recovery period. I got sick a handful of times. My knees were aching like crazy for months. It was just hard. It was during the summer season and the other constantly had the AC on and I'm very sensitive to that to begin with. Being an overachiever and stubborn person did not work in my benefit and it ended up taking a toll on my body. This is the reason why I'm so hesitant on having a second one. But if and when I do, I have learned my lesson and will stay home until I can't stay home anymore.

Ezra is born tomorrow. Brings back so many memories of last year - will blog about it when the opportunity arises.

3-month update

The past three months have flown by like whoah. I've went through every emotion in the book. The beginning of the year started as a very tough season for me for a various amount of reasons but things have gotten better.

But on 1/25/16 - I got a new job at the hospital - the title is: Patient Access Liaison but the real word for it is, call center. It's a very easy brainless job but it's something I didn't mind taking because it was referred by a good friend in which now I get to see everyday, although I'm getting paid very little, I get to work on a computer where there's some downtime and I don't have to see patients so it's not as demanding as my church job, and the commute is amazing, it's a total of 30 minutes one way including finding parking. And if I was being dropped off, then I could leave my house 20 minutes prior to start time and still be on time. I haven't experienced that in forever! I get home at 5:30 and get to play with the baby for a good amount of hours before he goes to bed. I don't know how long I see myself here for, there's a lot of cons at this job, but it'll do for now. I don't know I'm ready to commit to another demanding job yet because I'm doing so much at church already.

It's interesting because I prioritize church and have been revolving all my schedules around church duties. I accepted this job so that I can focus more on my church stuff even though I know I can find a job that is more related to my field and learn things that are more exciting and can challenge me in my degree. And I do so because God provided an opportunity where the other and I can serve together and be used in a capacity that challenges us and in a place where we feel like we are great fit in. Because it's ministry and God entrusted us with it, I probably will continue to prioritize this because I'll be here regardless of working here or not.

Mondays have been my do nothing day. I've been watch "the Bachelor" with the other after work and have committed to doing no work after work. It's been nice and although I know I should be doing stuff, I need time to myself and Monday nights have been that day.

I've been pretty stressed and occupied with preparing for mission trip and there's a lot of in between things like events, sunday and friday messages and activities, retreats, baptism, preparing for teacher meetings, keeping pastors and deacons up to date and it just goes on and on and on, like nonstop. In addition, these kids go through so many issues and I'm so glad that they've been trusting me with their lives more but it's been hard to manage and the only thing I can do is to give it up to God and ask God to take care of them as I do whatever I can.

The baby has been growing so quickly and it's so exciting to watch him grow so far. He has a new milestone basically everyday and it's just such a joy to watch a baby grow. Living with the in-laws have been a blessing and there are many things that can cause me to look at things with negative eyes but when I really think about it, I have nothing to complain about because the baby's grandparents love him so dearly, are so supportive of me and the other of whatever we do and they literally are taking care of all of us in the family. It's bitter sweet only in the sense that the baby finds more comfort with grandma but there's no one to blame because she does everything for him and loves him like crazy. One thing I hope I'd be able to handle is baby getting spoiled. Disciplining him will be pretty hard considering the baby literally has her in the palm of his hands but by God's grace, everything will work out for His good.

Oh, I got a haircut with bestie a couple of weeks ago and I got layers for the first time in years. I've been cutting it straight for a while now because perhaps I thought it was going to be more even and it's better (no clue what the thought process was). But I got layers from this indian lady and I really like it. Now when I tie it in a bun and let it loose, it looks like I have nice waves, whereas before with my straight cut, I looked like a mess.

I think that's all I can think about for now.

Self-Help Book

Yesterday was my official last day of internship with my client which means I'll officially have a master's degree. What a ride.

We ended on a really good note last night. I asked for her feelings of our counseling sessions coming to an end and she processed through all that's happened this year and how she's "not the same". Thens he referred to self-help books. She goes... those are all bogus. There's no possible way you can help yourself. Even as much as a person wants to think that they want to help themselves, it's not possible, that's just not the way we were made.

She referred to the scenario of a person who was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor's said that this person was uncurable. A couple of months later, the person was cancer-free.

In that example, one would think that this person did something that resulted in such type of healing. But that's impossible, there had to be an intervention and that is God. Even a more practical way of speaking, we want to solve our problems on our own, deal with our own emotions but the reality is that we were not made that way. We need people in our lives to walk with us and go through our pain and misery with us. We need people to help us grow and make us stronger.

So in regards to self-help book, that's stupid because no one can truly help themselves.

Waiting

During this advent season, I gave messages on waiting. One thing that stood out to me as I was sharing was that I was really speaking to myself. The main idea:

Patience --> humility --> joy
Impatience --> pride --> bitterness

I've taken on the latter for many many months and it just made me continue to face what a prideful person I am.

Thanksgiving

When I am preparing for something, I have a tendency to look through google or take ideas from other people and other things and use it for myself. Then I start looking and there is SO much information out there that I don't even know where to start reading and gleaning ideas from.

Well it's another year and Thanksgiving is this week which means Thanksgiving Potluck with my youth group is at the end of this week. I find myself wanting to do the same thing again, look through different blogs, youth ministries, etc and it's SO MUCH work. It's just as much as work as me actually preparing for the specific thing itself. I also have a habit of trying to avoid speaking when necessary because I feel that I'm inadequate to do so. But as a person who oversees the yg, I have the privilege of public speaking at least twice a week, Fridays and Sundays. The privilege of speaking into the lives of many youth group members with the potential that these kids will have a deeper and more personal relationship with Christ and each other.

To be completely honest and frank, I could do so much better but I don't know how. That's where it's up to me to allow God to assist me in these areas in where I am weak and lacking, where I can allow God to take control and be the driver instead of me always trying to steal his seat. It's a battle, it's hard because I'm always trying to think of things in which I can do myself. Well, this Friday, I have another opportunity to speak, and this time it's about Thanksgiving.

-- Side note -- Even now, I just stumbled upon a post on Facebook and about stuff that interests me regarding youth ministry and now I book mark something new, once again. Never ending continuous cycle, so much information but none of them applied --

-- Another side note -- At the convention, I was really tempted to buy every single downloadable message of the entire convention for $99 so that I could get the benefit of listening to things that I missed out on. But I resisted temptation because I knew I wasn't going to get through everything anyway and I need to apply the immediate things I have learned one step at a time and that's probably going to take a year in itself.  --

So, right now, I do want to spend a lot of timing looking at other resources about what to speak about Thanksgiving and I already have but it's not helping and I'm not speaking from the heart and still running from empty. So I'm taking these next couple of minutes to blog about whatever is on my heart regarding thanksgiving and hopefully God will give me some revelation on what to speak about to my youth.

Thanksgiving. Every year, the holiday seasons is always a very busy year for the church. We're always planning for the next program, the next retreat, the next performance, the next thing to decorate, gift exchanging, meeting up with different groups for holiday festivities, eating food, there's always something going on. It's been such a ritualistic thing for me that these events have to be held for the sake of church culture that personally, I have lost the meaning and thought behind what these events really mean. I mean, I know why we celebrate it but I definitely don't appreciate it and take it to heart.

So what should be the focus of Christians on Thanksgiving aside from just getting together and eating a good meal together? This was actually a really good resource: http://www.gotquestions.org/thanksgiving-Christian.html.

-- I know what verse I'm going to share my message on... 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.--

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." Thank you God, and now.. to get started. It took 3 hours to finally get started on preparing for this Thanksgiving message... lol.

NYWC 2015 Reflection

NYWC has finally completed, it's been four long days of information overload and now it's time to go back home and apply it.

These are some things I want to begin applying right away:

• Self-care/soul care --> Relationships --> Programs. In that order. I can't blame anyone but myself for doing it backwards which means I can't blame anyone but myself for going through so much stress.
• Train volunteers
• Create a vision/mission.
  
  "Re-learn how to seek God first."

Adjustment

The past two weeks out of work have been an adjustment to say the least. I'm grateful to not have to ride the MTA and be stuck commuting all day long, but it does feel weird not doing so because I've been doing that for such a long time. It's been an adjustment because:

• I still wake up every morning looking at the time and imagine myself and what I'm doing either at work or on the train.
• Trying to balance baby, husband, my own personal life and youth ministry schedule has been difficult because the baby does take up most of our time and learning how to prioritize is still a work in progress. Soon, the other and I are working on creating something for ourselves where he has time to do his things efficiently, I have time to do mine, but we still have time for each other also. The other has been making a little more effort in spending time with me and the baby together which I appreciate. 
• Still haven't figured out how to spend quiet time with God and be still before Him. 

Some things I have done that I haven't been able to do for the longest:

• Clean my room
• Get glasses
• Get contacts
• Go on a youth leadership training conference
• Watch the baby for a whole day
• Go out with hubby and the baby together for a walk

Some things I miss:

• Having a work station (desk, computer, etc) because I don't have a place to do work at home.
• Being with a team of people and a boss who makes the day better all the time.
• Going out out for lunch, talks and walks with my best coworker friend.
• Not having to think about obtaining health insurance.

People ask what I've been doing with all my free/flexible time. I think about it and as of this moment, I still don't think that I have much free time. Yes, my schedule is a little more flexible but I still feel like I have thousands of things to do and accomplish. Having a social life still seems a little bit difficult to have but hopefully I'll be able to learn to prioritize accordingly soon so that life can be lived out in a healthy and joyful way.

NYWC 2015

After resigning from the job, I was pretty excited to have a little bit more flexibility in terms of being better equipped with serving the youth ministry. Since I dedicate such a big portion of my life serving in the ministry, it was a high stress factor for me to constantly not feel equipped nor prepared in my weekly duties. So, first thing I did was to sign up for a leadership convention that I have been so longing to go to all year long. I stumbled upon NYWC and it just happened to have the dates that landed perfectly for me and so on my own I went.

There were a couple of reasons I decided to go alone. I wanted some time away from everyone. I wanted to be equipped to better serve the youth. I was hoping I could connect with some people (but I knew it was pretty unlikely because most people from this convention is not from my area). Anyway, it's been a blessing to come by myself the past couple of days because I have been free to do things on my own time and most of it is bound by the workshops and sessions during the convention time. But I didn't have to rush anywhere, I could walk anywhere I want, I didn't have to entertain anyone it was just nice. I haven't had time to be lonely here because I leave the house so early and get back home so late that it's just for bed.

I used AirBnb for the first time by myself. I used it once in LA but didn't have the best experience but this time around it's been a pretty good experience. The place I'm at is old school yet modern. The person who was hosting ended up not being home for the weekend so I have the whole place to myself (although I did wish I had more chances to talk to her, she seemed really awesome to talk to). I got to hear her story about her life and got to share mine as well. I also used Lyft to get home the past two nights. I've been walking about 3-4 miles a day, which I don't typically do on a normal day to day basis, so by the end of the night, the whole bottom half of my body is sore and I'm just tired. It's been a blessing just to use these different social media platforms to meet different people here and connect with them. It's so much fun meeting new people and it's great because the relationship ends after the business relationship is over but just getting to hear people from different walks of life in such a short period of time is fun.

At this convention, there were some things that stuck out to me:

• I was encouraged about the large population of people who stay serving in youth ministry for over 20-30 years. I don't see a lot of that in the ministries I'm part of so hearing that there are people who care about the youth generation enough was encouraging.
• There is a need for resources to equip leaders who serve the Asian American setting. I realize that we as Asian Americans don't really have our own identity and take from the different cultures, whether it be White-Americans or African Americans, but most of their practices suit their culture and sometimes don't always pertain to the Asian American culture. The issues they face are not always the issues we face.
• There are a lot of leadership networking training events for Christians in the NYC area, but primarily for college and above or young adults but not so much for youth, or at least not many that I know of. And if they are for youth, it seems to not relate to the Asian American setting.
• I'm in a lot of need of soul care. I have so a passion for serving people but because my cup is not full and not overflowing, it's been hard to serve. 
• At the end of the day, praise God that I still love God and still love kids. That might mean I'm meant for this and if it does, then I hope that God would equip me as I learn to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me, especially in the midst of my weaknesses and insecurities.

Well Wishes

So on Monday, I submitted my letter of resignation right before the end of the work day because I was trying to stall as long as possible and then he ended up telling my coworkers right before we left. Once he did, I immediately started sobbing in my cubicle, I don't know why, but so many emotions come up when it comes to leaving. I guess I just really hate good byes and stepping into new things are always scary.

What I do appreciate a lot is the amount of support I did receive.

When I left the office, my coworkers had already left ahead of me. It was just an awkward way to spill the beans but there was no other way, so everyone just said bye and left. When I finished wiping my tears, I left and found them standing at the entrance waiting for me to comment.

One of them assured me that she wasn't mad and she was happy for me, and she had tears in her eyes. It made me cry even more. Then we had a text conversation, she said: "no worries hon, I suspected you would leave. I know it's not easy being a new mom and juggling everything. It is what it is and I am not mad at you. If this is a decision you had to make then I know you had to, it's not like when the other coworkers left. I truly have grown to love you so you have my full support."

And from another one who absolutely hates change, she said: "I'm not mad at you. Just trying to process this. You know I don't like change and it will be very hard to see you go."

Then the other one, "It is what it is, I'll miss calling someone J-money".

And then outside of the team, someone from the other department said: "heard you're leaving.. that is a brave decision and an awesome one for your family. we'll miss you, was enjoying working with you."

And then another one: "heard you were leaving, sadness __ was RAVING about you. however, I hope it will be good for you and you can spend more time with your little nugget. Once I saw you come back and you talked about your commute, I was hoping you'd leave, only for personal reasons. anyhoo, I'll miss you, you're stellar."

And then someone from the other campus shared with me a secret while bidding me goodbye - "she's due in May. She said, "I feel like I follow you in everything a year after!" which is so funny!

And then another first time mom said, "you making this decision makes me want to rethink my decision and do the same."

Anyone, I'm writing these things down because I do want to remember the good times I had here. We went through so many rough seasons while working here but I did appreciate the people I work here and it's my last week, so I'm cherishing the last moment. I lot of people here have become like family to me and it's just really hard to leave.

On the other hand, I don't know what to do with myself now that I have a little more flexibility, but I actually have a list of things I would like to do.

Uncomfortable

The concept of trusting God is something I always have a hard time doing because I like the idea of security and being comfortable. But time and time again I'm always forced into an uncomfortable situation and having to make choices. God makes it easy for me but I make it so hard for myself. If I just obey and step out in faith, then it wouldn't be that hard. I'm thankful but at the same time it drives me crazy. God loves me enough to bring me in and out of situations.

Today, I finally spoke to my boss about leaving the job, I told him I don't know how much longer I could do this for, especially with a four hour commute. He smiled at me and he just encouraged me. He shared his story about trusting God and encouraged me to be obedient to what God is calling me to do. I just sat there crying the whole time because making new strides and take new steps in life is always so hard. I truly am so grateful to have such an understanding boss. Everything that I've been thinking about over the week, he confirmed it without me even having to say anything. Today, God gave me the courage to step out in faith and make a decision to leave my job in which I'm finally adjusted to and comfortable with. In the next couple of days, I'll make the decision of when my last day will be and here's to the next chapter in life...

6 months

Baby is already six months old today and my how time flies. Today he went to his 6 month check up and he's already 19.5 pounds. He's grown so much and every single moment with him is precious.

This past month, he has:

• Not only grown his bottom two teeth but his top two teeth has rooted.
• He fell off the bed for the first time because he happened to squirm himself over to the other side of the bed while daddy fell asleep.
• He got sick for the second time but still happy
• He hates when we try to wipe his nose.
• He loves jumping in the jumparoo.
• He smiles and laughs so much now.
• He's truly a happy baby.
• He still doesn't sleep through the night.
• He still drinks only about 3-4 ounces per sitting.
• He can stand on his own while holding something.
• He can squirm and try to do an army crawl, but it'll get him where he wants to be.
• He can grab onto things
• He looks at his hands still with so much amazement.
• He can just about sit up straight but still has his moments of tipping over.
• His skin is still very dry so we have to constantly apply lotion.
• He babbles all the time.
• He enjoys watching people play the guitar.
• The pacifier helps him to fall asleep.
• He seems to like the taste of his boogers so he constantly sticks his tongue upward of his lips and sucks on it.
• He always likes being upright, he can't stand laying down or being cradled.
• He takes much appreciation at the cross we have hung up in our room.
• When we are eating dinner, he can't get his eyes off the food.
• He grabs everything off the table.
• The car seat is still not his best friend.
• He sleeps typically at 9:00-9:30PM and wakes up 7:00-7:30AM.
• He still constantly scratches his head when he gets tired.
• He can't stay outdoors for too long, he likes to be at home.
• He can now reach over if he wants someone else to carry him.
• He's getting harder to carry because he's always twisting around trying to explore the environment.
• He puts everything in his mouth.

I thank God for this precious little one every single day.

Fear

This week, I realize I have SO MUCH fear.

I fear confrontation.
I fear letting people down.
I'm such a people please for no reason.

This whole week:
My stomach kept turning.
My heart is anxious.
My head is heavy.
I haven't been sleeping well.

ALL because I want to talk to my boss.
The nicest boss in the world.

I've spent all week delaying and waiting and waiting.
It's causing me so much anxiety and stress.
It's so irrational.
Why do I do this to myself?
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gospel

Sad to say, but it's been a long time I've shared the gospel with a seeker or a nonbeliever. This past month, we had a new youth group member with absolutely no background in the faith and she's been seeking. She likes the Christian environment and was introduced to it by her uncle when she visited Texas. She wanted to find something like that around her home and her friend recently invited her to youth group.

So she's been here for almost a month and I've been guilty of not following up with her and sharing with her the gospel. Really guilty. I think about it all the time but personal issues in my life just led me to be all over the place with my own. As I'm slowly developing a relationship with her, I found out that we live right by each other and she leaves for the bus at 7:20AM. That's only 15 minutes earlier than I normally take the bus. So this morning, I decided to wake up a little earlier and meet her at the bus stop.

Thankfully, I got the opportunity to answer some of her questions, explain to her who we are, share with her the gospel and share with her how to pray. As I was sharing with her, it was pretty refreshing to share the gospel with someone who has no background in it. She was eager to seek, eager to understand and asked for a Bible which I'll be giving her tonight. As a Christian, I have dropped the ball on sharing the gospel with those around me and today encouraged me and gave me hope and reminded me of why I do what I do again. Thankful.