41 Weeks + 4 Days

It's exactly ten days past my due date. After my check up this past Tuesday, I had two internal testings, one at the OB and one at the hospital. I had to go to the hospital for more monitoring because the OB said that the baby's heart rate was going a little faster than normal. At the hospital, everything ended up fine. They said I was having contractions also but I wasn't really feeling anything. 

That night, not sure if it was psychosomatic or something but I started feeling very minor me trial cramping and there was some bleeding. 

Today I am 41 weeks and 4 days and starting last night I started feeling more heavy menstrual cramps. Not sure if they are contractions or not but I've been trying to time them anyway and there is some sort of pattern. Hopefully the baby will come out sometime this weekend before the set induction date. 

This is the first sign of any pain I've felt all pregnancy, and it makes me feel that maybe the baby will be ready to come out soon. But, I also walked about 4 miles yesterday too, not sure, that was probably a contributing factor, lol. Baby Ezra, come out soon. 

7 Days Overdue

I think the most stressful thing thus far in this whole pregnancy experience is the days after the expected due date. Feelings of anticipation and being antsy as I wait for the baby to be due anytime but at the same time, grateful for the extra time that I've been able to clean and rest.

One major thing that added to my stress, although I am beyond grateful for everyones care and regard, is the unending questions of if the baby is out yet. Not really that, but the follow up questions as well. For the first couple of days, it was fine, I was grateful for people reaching out to make sure baby and me are okay, but then afterwards, because I have the same answer everyday, it just gets tiring and it causes me a lot of stress actually. In addition, I'm hearing opinions left and right of what I should do and how I should go about my decisions.

What topped it off I guess is because I go to a pretty active church and everyone knew that I was supposed to be due this past Monday. So when people saw me at church yesterday, the first statement would be "you're still here?!" and other comments following. Although none of the comments are negative, it just takes a toll on me mentally. It causes me stress because I want the baby to come out too and since the baby is living inside me, every waking moment I keep thinking about when this baby is going to come out. A couple of text messages here and there initially were no big deal, but now when the entire church and every single human that passes by you is asking questions, it's just exhausting responding with the same dreadful answer.

This morning, a few close friends texted me... "contractions yet?" "the baby out yet?" "what are you going to do now?" "getting induced?". I started answering with one word answers because it's been a week and I think mentally I'm becoming drained and weary also. I ended up texting them and saying, "sorry I'm not in the mood to talk about baby popping anymore, it just causes me more stress". When I texted them that, it made me want to cry because it does cause me more stress but I don't want to stress out the baby due to my ridiculous emotions. I felt a little mean because I sort of sounded cold towards them, but I'm mentally at the point where I think I want to silence my phone and reach out to everyone when the baby is ready to come out.

Initially the induction was going to be set for tonight at 2AM. We ended up calling in and saying that we want to wait a couple of more days. We'll go for another check up tomorrow just to make sure the baby is okay.

This is definitely quite an experience.

Four Days And Counting

The baby is still not here yet and on one hand I'm grateful that I've got all the time in the world to rest the past couple of days, but on the other hand, I'm just waiting in anticipation, using up my vacation days, could've finished my internship this week and everything! So I have a mix of feelings. 

Currently at the doctor and he says by Monday, he would either recommend inducing or if I really want to I could wait two weeks. I'm really hoping that God would allow the baby to come out sooner! Lol. 

Initially I was nervous of all the pain and everything because I don't know what to expect. At this point, I think I'll be so excited and grateful that my body is making progress to get this baby out that pain is no longer a nerve wrecking factor for now, I'll be grateful to feel some pain to  get this baby moving out into the world! 

This week, though, I'm grateful because I was able to clean a lot, and sleep a lot, and do a lot of nothing. It was some much needed rest but still, this anticipation is still making me feel restless! Baby, when are ya gonna come out! 

Ezra

So we decided to name our baby, Ezra.

Meaning of name: help/helper.

The other and I have been having a hard time thinking of a name for the baby and for months, we came with just about nothing. There was a time early in the pregnancy where he mentioned Samuel and when I kept thinking about it, I didn't mind settling with it. He had also mentioned name him, David, but since I call my other that, I said I don't feel comfortable calling two people David. But when we both suddenly landed on Ezra and read about him in the Bible, we felt that this would be the perfect fit for our baby and who we are as parents.

When we told my brother about this name, he got so excited and he said that he didn't like the name "Samuel", it was too Asian. I asked him if he knew who Ezra was in the Bible, and immediately he described exactly who Ezra was. And he said, that's a perfect name and it fits you guys perfectly!

Key Scripture that speak about Ezra:

• Ezra 7:6 -- "...He was a scribe skilled in the Law of Moses that the Lord, the God of Israel, had given, and the king granted him all that he asked, for the hand of the Lord his God was on him."
• Ezra 7:10 -- "For Ezra had set his heart to study the Law of the Lord, and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel."

In the Bible, Ezra was a direct descendant of Aaron the chief priest. His zeal for God and God's law spurred Ezra to lead a group of Jews back to Israel during King Artaxerxe's reign over the Persian empire. The book of Ezra provides an account of the Jews' regathering, of their struggle to survive and to rebuild what had been destroyed. Through Ezra's narrative, he declared that they were still God's people and that God had not forgotten them. The book of Ezra talks about the rebuilding of the new temple, the unification of the returning tribes as they shared common struggles and were challenged to work together. Later, after the original remnant had stopped work on the city walls and spiritual apathy ruled, Ezra arrived with another two thousand people and sparked a spiritual revival. By the end of the book, Israel had renewed its covenant with God and had begun acting in obedience to Him. Ezra's leadership proved crucial to the Jews' spiritual advancement. The overall purpose of the book of Ezra was: God keeps His promises and when God's people remained faithful to Him, He would continue to bless them.

We pray that the hand of the Lord would be on our baby, and that he would be a lover of God's word and and use it to start revival in his generation.

No Baby Yet

April 13th was supposed to be the due date. Today is April 14th. I've already started my maternity leave from work since last Friday because I was just tired of working and was in need of a mental break from work, school and internship. Initially I was afraid that the baby was going to come early because everyone said how "low" I was already. Now the baby is late. I'm not disappointed because I'm taking advantage of all the rest I can get but it definitely feels weird not to have a set agenda the past two days. I've been waking up and just laying in bed for an additional hour just because I could.

One feeling I keep getting is this anticipation feeling. I'm not sure if I feel scared or whatever, but since it was predicted that the baby was due yesterday, now I'm just in anticipation of when this baby is going to arrive. I almost feel like God's teaching me a lesson because I've been half joking around and saying that I hope God abides by my will of the baby coming on time because I only have a certain amount of vacation days I can use and I want to go to graduation and hooding and etc. And if the baby comes too late, it'll be hard to navigate around what I had originally planned for. But, I know that God's ways are better than my ways and so whenever he wants this baby to pop, then I'll be ready for it. His plans are better than my plans and he knows what's best for me. So until then, I'll wait in anticipation and surrender.

Am I ready to be a mother? Probably not yet lol. I have no clue what to feel, what to expect, I don't even know how we're going to take care of this baby when bringing him home from the hospital, but we'll figure it out as we go, that's the fun part isn't it?

From the beginning of this year until now, it's definitely been a trying season. There has been no ounce of breathing space from the moment I wake up to the moment I get home. There's always something to do, something to plan, something to catch up with. One thing that I've been placing in the back burner is spending time and be in relationship with Christ. I'm hoping in the next couple of days before the baby pops, I can just find rest in Him again, however that looks like. It's been hard to push myself to read his word, to pray, to do anything actually. I've been almost mentally checked out of everything. Every morning, I pray the Lord's prayer and that's the most I seem to be able to mutter to get through the day. I'm still thankful to Christ every single day, but I just feel pretty empty lately, perhaps burnout. Undoubtedly, I still have seen God work powerfully in all different aspects of my life, I thank God for his faithfulness even in my faithlessness.

A very constant thought in my head recently has been: "My life is not my own" and even for this baby, his life is not his own. I'm here on earth not for myself and that puts me in my place and gives me perspective of all the things that are going on in my life. It puts me at ease and makes me not worry so much about the things that would typically worry me. Even with taking care of this baby, this baby is not mine, he's God's. He gave this baby to me and in that aspect, he'll provide in the way he deems fit. I'm here so God can use me, I belong to him.

Oh yeah, we finally decided on the baby name, but I'll blog about that another day.

8 Days Away

I'm going to be a mommy in 8 days. Still a little hard to imagine. Feelings of anticipation, unknowing what to expect, sort of nervous yet can't wait at the same time. There's a lot of feelings going on there. This is the final week that I'll be going about my day on my own. It's a new chapter, a new season, I'll no longer be just Joan, or Joan and the other, but we're going to have a family. How insane. Part of my is trying to take care of as many things as I could before this baby pops but the other part of me is squeezing whatever time I can get to find rest in mental preparation for the sleepless nights ahead of me. I have just about 20 hours of internship face to face hours left and I'm probably just going to finish off a couple more this coming week. I have one more official homework assignment for my graduate career and after this...life's about to change big time.

I was preparing on how to lead the New Mexico mission team for this summer and I can't even go because the baby will be not even two months by then. I feel a little crazy but I have the urge, if I'm physically okay and if baby is physically okay, I would love to jump on the plane with the rest of the mission team last minute and be part of the mission trip. In my mind, I think it's going to be easy but I know it's going to be nothing like that. And if I weren't able to go on the mission trip, then I would go to Challenge 2015.

Even for hooding and commencement, I'm determined to bring the baby out but most people would say it's not wise because the baby has nearly reached a month old (if I happen to pop according to the due date).

Sometimes I feel like I'm invincible and can do anything. Haha.

Baby

It's a little insane that the little boy that's been growing inside me the past nine months is going to come out in possibly two weeks or more or less. It's still hard to imagine myself as a mother but I guess those instincts will kick in when the baby is born. I'm still unsure of what to anticipate in terms going into labor because thus far, the pregnancy has been pretty smooth. I'm a little nervous but mentally preparing myself for all the changes that will happen in the next two weeks. I have only a couple of days of internship left before the baby pops and it literally feels like the last stretch. My mind is half there and half not there but I know I have to push myself to complete whatever I can to not have so many hours roll over for the summer.

It's been a pretty tough semester in terms of all the things I needed to handle, but I'm grateful for having such a great and supportive environment around me, they make things better. The other has been especially great, he's been treating me like a handicap, lol, and doing everything to make my life as least stressful as possible which I really appreciate. 

I feel pretty mentally checked out of life if that makes any sense at all. I'm currently just going through the motions and taking each day one step at a time. These two weeks I'm probably going to go through a bunch of feelings, anticipating the baby's birth. Still have so much to clean and sort but I have been prioritizing resting a little more since I'm mentally preparing that I won't be sleeping for a while after this. 

What I will miss about pregnancy is all the baby's different movements as each week passes by. It just amazes me that the way that humans are formed is such a miracle. 

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Side note: Since it was April Fools day, what I wanted to do so bad was prank the other and pretend I was going into labor at work. I ended up not doing it because it felt mean and it would've just been a bad joke that would've ruined his day and then mine. When I went home, I told him I wanted to and he said, "you're smart that you didn't". Lol. Then he goes, "it would've been more believable if your boss called on behalf of you". And then he would've rushed to school, ran down to our office and the find all of us just on our computer minding our own business. He said he would've been so upset. Lol.