No Baby Yet

April 13th was supposed to be the due date. Today is April 14th. I've already started my maternity leave from work since last Friday because I was just tired of working and was in need of a mental break from work, school and internship. Initially I was afraid that the baby was going to come early because everyone said how "low" I was already. Now the baby is late. I'm not disappointed because I'm taking advantage of all the rest I can get but it definitely feels weird not to have a set agenda the past two days. I've been waking up and just laying in bed for an additional hour just because I could.

One feeling I keep getting is this anticipation feeling. I'm not sure if I feel scared or whatever, but since it was predicted that the baby was due yesterday, now I'm just in anticipation of when this baby is going to arrive. I almost feel like God's teaching me a lesson because I've been half joking around and saying that I hope God abides by my will of the baby coming on time because I only have a certain amount of vacation days I can use and I want to go to graduation and hooding and etc. And if the baby comes too late, it'll be hard to navigate around what I had originally planned for. But, I know that God's ways are better than my ways and so whenever he wants this baby to pop, then I'll be ready for it. His plans are better than my plans and he knows what's best for me. So until then, I'll wait in anticipation and surrender.

Am I ready to be a mother? Probably not yet lol. I have no clue what to feel, what to expect, I don't even know how we're going to take care of this baby when bringing him home from the hospital, but we'll figure it out as we go, that's the fun part isn't it?

From the beginning of this year until now, it's definitely been a trying season. There has been no ounce of breathing space from the moment I wake up to the moment I get home. There's always something to do, something to plan, something to catch up with. One thing that I've been placing in the back burner is spending time and be in relationship with Christ. I'm hoping in the next couple of days before the baby pops, I can just find rest in Him again, however that looks like. It's been hard to push myself to read his word, to pray, to do anything actually. I've been almost mentally checked out of everything. Every morning, I pray the Lord's prayer and that's the most I seem to be able to mutter to get through the day. I'm still thankful to Christ every single day, but I just feel pretty empty lately, perhaps burnout. Undoubtedly, I still have seen God work powerfully in all different aspects of my life, I thank God for his faithfulness even in my faithlessness.

A very constant thought in my head recently has been: "My life is not my own" and even for this baby, his life is not his own. I'm here on earth not for myself and that puts me in my place and gives me perspective of all the things that are going on in my life. It puts me at ease and makes me not worry so much about the things that would typically worry me. Even with taking care of this baby, this baby is not mine, he's God's. He gave this baby to me and in that aspect, he'll provide in the way he deems fit. I'm here so God can use me, I belong to him.

Oh yeah, we finally decided on the baby name, but I'll blog about that another day.