Weighed Down

As great as life is going right now, I feel weighed down, I feel tired, I feel annoyed. I'm blessed with so many different things in life but at the same time, I feel burdened with all these things in life and I don't know how to handle it. (If anyone is reading this, and if you're a person who likes to comment on things, please refrain and keep your comments to yourself, I'm just venting). I know God's telling me to just give it up to him, but my stubborn self just won't let go and I allow myself to be burdened with all these ridiculous things. And it's just really annoying. I obviously can't handle it but I won't let it go and I'm still trying to find my own way to solve things. I mean, I'm not superhuman, and never will be and definitely don't feel like one. I am in no way capable of handling everything that's on my plate right now. I don't even know how I live from week to week. Every week passes by and I'm not sure how I was able to go through with it, there's just so much going on and balancing is just... heavy. I don't go home with a smile on my face everyday, I go home tired, drained, just wanting to hit the haysack. I don't go home and give the other any of my energy because frankly, I really don't have any. I haven't been doing any house chores whatsoever, the other has been doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping for stuff, and all the things I almost consider extra because I've never really allowed time and space for that in my life. And then I give him heat for the stuff I feel like he could be doing better at. And when I occasionally meet up with friends, I'm giving whatever left over is left, whatever smile on my face I have left. I just want one day to just relax with the other, not doing anything that has to do with goals and meeting needs, but instead, just meet our own needs for once. I'm giving so much of me to so many different areas in my life and yet it still doesn't feel like enough because there's so many more places to give. But I have nothing left to give, and I realize it more and more in ministry, I just don't have that capacity that I used to when I was in HS and college. Life's not the same anymore and I'm not sure how to go about it. Don't get me wrong, yes I am happy, I am blessed, but just these past couple of weeks have been seemingly getting harder. The other is doing the same thing, he's literally giving his time to everyone else. I'm actually not sure what he does on a daily basis, but for all I know, every time I talk to him, he's always giving someone his time, energy, money and whatever it is. Recently, he's been coming home tired and drained too and as great as reaching out to people is, it sucks. It sucks because there's no balance. Since I've picked up another duty in life, we have vacuumed and cleaned the entire house probably once the past three-four months. Since high school, it's always been school, work, ministry, internship and family and home has always been put on the back burner. And I'm not sure when it's ever going to stop looking like that. Even for Thanksgiving Day, I just found out the other already made plans with people, and yes although its great to reach out to all these different people who don't have families here with them during holiday season, I'm thinking..my family probably feels like they have no family to be with either because the last time we spent time with each other was like... never. It's such a bad habit for people in ministries. They always forsake their families, and until this day, my parents are still just as busy as they were 10 years ago, and both me and them, we have not made time for each other. I don't like it, I don't believe life should be this way, I believe there's more to life than just draining yourself and wearing yourself thin. That's not God-honoring, that's not being a good steward. Now that we're going to be parents soon, it just frustrates me thinking that we might possibly be giving birth to a kid that we probably won't have much time for because we're always involved in something. That's exactly what happened to us, that's exactly what happened to me when I was a kid and I don't want it to be that way.

I think it's God honoring when people set boundaries to cultivate and tend to all areas of life, that includes home, health, spirituality, whatever it is. It is so encouraging when if I were to one day hear "Sorry, I won't be available today because I've committed to spend time with my wife/husband, or to spend with my family today. Today is off limits for everyone else." Just like how we make Sundays off limits for God and his people and we don't do anything else that day besides God-related duties, I believe that's how we should be for all different areas of life. It would be so amazing to hear that people have the time to exercise and maintain their health because their body is not their own and they want to honor God with their body. It would be so awesome if people didn't just spend all day everyday hanging out, although that's great, just spending time with each other and stuff, but it would be amazing to see people encourage each other, build each other up, spur each other on with love and good deeds. Instead of keeping prayer and spending time with God the last thing to do on a daily basis, what if everyone was consistently in prayer and spending time with God all day long and including God in all areas of life. I feel weighed down because theres just simply no balance, no communication, just drain.

I chose a profession where I'm going to be dealing with people for the rest of my life, whether it's my professional career or ministry related stuff. I often think, what did I get myself into. My life motto is "Love God and Love People" but it's definitely going to be something I won't perfect for a very long time and it's only by God's grace that I have any strength to love him or his people whatsoever.

Everyday feels like catch up. Besides my work related duties -- since I'm there 40 hours a week, I'm always on top of my game, I'm always ahead of everything and get everything done in a very reasonable and efficient manner. But with everything else in life... it's always been catch up and I want that to change but that means I have to give up more things. What can I give up in this season of my life right now? I'm not sure. I'm more than halfway done with this internship, it would be so useless to not complete this degree although I may not be using it for anything, but it's one major thing that it draining me as well. I don't want to go to work anymore because it's not even something I enjoy doing and I don't even get paid well, but I just really appreciate the experience and the people I work with even though they are probably people I won't hang out with outside of work. For all the things I want to do, I don't get to do and I don't get to finish or accomplish or engage in. One day, God, one day. This has to be training ground for something and I know I definitely have not mastered it.

God's Favor

I'm not the type to typically celebrate birthdays although I am always blessed to have people around me who do. Little gestures do just make me reflect on how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who know how to love and appreciate. It's never something I expect and as a matter of fact, I know I don't even deserve any of it. In my times of weakness, I still see God's favor in my life through the people he's placed in my life. 

The other bought me to a restaurant that cost an arm and a leg. Although it's somewhere I would never personally bring myself to because I hardly think it's worth it to throw down such a large amount, I appreciate the thought, consideration and all that is behind it. As much as I nag at him, point at his flaws and bad habits, I am grateful to have an awesome and God-honoring husband. 

It's always a tradition to celebrate birthdays with coworkers. I'm grateful to have such a great team of people to work with. As much as I hate traveling to the city everyday and I just dislike sitting in an office all day and working on numbers and boring figures, I'm grateful for a great work environment.

I've been married for 1.5 years now and there are still tons of people that I have yet to invite over my place. Since the bestie so lovingly offered to cook for a small group of people, I decided to invite people that I've never really invited plus a couple that I talk to more often. 

Childhood friends are always people to count on and grow old with. It's been over 15 years with them, we only see each other a couple times a year, but I'm glad that we can always celebrate each others special occasions with one another.

My youth group surprised me with a small gift and cake a couple of days after the birthday. It was pretty embarrassing since they sang during lunch time in front of the older folk whom I don't know and am not the most comfortable with. I'm really honored to be shepherding over them during this season, as hard as it is.

There are some other groups that I didn't really get a chance to even catch up with or meet up with during this season due but holiday season, here we come. 

Well, here's to another year. I'm officially finished my mid-twenties and now entering my late twenties with a bunch of new chapters in life.

Prayer

J. Hudson Taylor, great missionary to China, said "It is possible to work without praying. It is a bad plan, but it can be done. But you cannot pray without working."

Every week, I've been giving a message to the youth, and for me, it doesn't come natural and just preparing and coming up with a message with my limited mindset is pretty difficult. I was always a small group type of person and not so much of a person who speaks in front of an audience/congregation. Because of my overwhelming schedule and just coming home to mental exhaustion every end of the day, it's been very hard for me to pray. I want to pray everyday, I want to read the Word, but it's been harder and harder because of just the overwhelming feeling. In the season, I know that it's even more important to pray and everyday it's just a battle.

I normally go to church every Saturdays to prepare. Last week, I decided instead of just sitting in the office all day and thinking of how to prepare (because it always takes a whole day), I decided to walk around the park, put on my earphones and spend some time with God in prayer. At this point, I felt so desperate because I'm running on empty and it's not fair for the kids just to get the left overs of me and not the Spirit-filled me. I spent an hour just walking around in solitude and just talking to God.

After that conversation with God, it's interesting what happened during the week. All of a sudden some more honest conversations came out of some discussions that happened throughout the week. It seems that there are things that have to be dealt with but God is just continuously reminding me to go to him and seek for guidance and advice because I know that on my own strength, I will mess things up real quick. I've been working without praying for a while, but I need to do both, urgent.

Surprise.

I wanted to take the youth out to apple picking or something on Columbus Day. Initially, I thought I had the day off, but being that I work in a private institution, I had work. So I asked the teachers if they could bring the kids out individually and the day before, I would plan a bowling event for them, which was a fun outing overall.

So on Columbus Day, I was at work and in the morning time I was at internship. The other was texting me and told me he would bring food for me which was not a shock because he does that every so often when he comes to the city. He said he was going to study so I said okay. Around 1PM, I was going to have supervision and while I was seeing a client, the other texted me and told me to go up and pick up the food like I always do at the side door. This time, I couldn't because I was in the middle of seeing a client but he was rushing me and saying that he doesn't want to pay for the meter, etc, which he always says too. Once we finished, I ran upstairs and opened the side door and standing there was the entire youth group that came out to surprise me. They were all standing in a straight line with papers that read: "Joan, We Appreciate You!"

It definitely caught me off guard and it was such a friendly gesture that was put together by the teachers. That gesture made my day. It's been about three months since I've been serving in this church and every week I feel guilty for not giving them enough of my time and energy. I am only able to be there for them on weekends because that's all the time I have. Unlike previous ministries, I used to be texting people left and right and checking in on people, but during this season of my life, I just haven't been able to spread myself in that capacity.

When I think about the current church I'm at, I just can't help but to be grateful. God blessed me with a good group of kids to work with during this season of my life. It's not a humungous group but it's definitely a group of a set of kids absolutely different from what I'm used to, but I look forward to working with them and seeing them.

How to Serve One Another

O Lord! Help me to be …
Firm but not harsh;
Realistic but not skeptical;
Scheduled but not rigid;
Pure but not proud;
Close-mouthed but not unfriendly;
Appropriate but not stiff;
Funny but not frivolous;
Teachable but not gullible;
Flexible but not scatterbrained;
Humble but not pious;
Kind but not compromising;
Dependable but not dull;
Decisive but not stubborn;
Persistent but not needling;
Precise but not picky;
Simple but not foolish;
Demanding but not intolerant;
Thorough but not unkind;
Human but not worldly;
Spiritual but not impractical;
Generous but not irresponsible;
Enthusiastic but not “hyper;”
Honest but not brutal;
Fair but not unloving;
Proper but not unreal;
Confident but not snobbish;
Bold but not brazen;
Busy but not harried;
Active but not shallow;
Deep but not dry;
Wise but not intimidating;
Intense but not forbidding;
Empathetic but not uncontrolled;
Forgiving but not naive;
Sympathetic but not pitying;
Helpful but not condescending;
Penitent but not paralyzed;
Organized but not bossy;
Spontaneous but not inconsistent.
Lord, I guess I’m asking to grow in favor with God and man.
I am asking you to help me become a balanced person. Amen.
by Marlene Evans

Internship

When I think about internship, I get a little GAH about it. I don't know the word that I was to use, but at this point, I'm just so tired of extending and dragging on my academic career and just want it to end. Either senioritis has kicked in a while ago, or I'm just growing impatient at the 700 hours of internship that seems impossible to obtain. I'm just about halfway in my hours now. This counseling degree has definitely taken longer than I have expected, of course, due to all different great life transitions and circumstances, but I really don't want it to last another year. My goal was to graduate by May 2015 by doing a two year decelerated track. I'm on my second year right now and just by looking at the amount of hours I have and how many more I need, it just seems impossible unless I increase my hours or find a different internship site that would give me more face time hours. This site just has too many no-shows and cancels and inconsistencies and it's taking a toll on me moving forward. I really feel like at this point, I do not have the option of looking for an additional internship site because what I already have on my plate is already overwhelming as it is, but I don't know if I have a choice. My other option is taking another graduate and I'm so upset that I have to even consider that option, but that's probably something I may have to consider.

Parents

I've only been in this church for two months and in these two months alone, a handful of birthday celebrations have taken place. All or many of which were planned not just by the close friends or leaders of the church, but the parents of the church. The parents typically contribute by opening up their home for a large group and preparing a dinner feast for all. This past weekend, I went to another birthday celebration, and just seeing how close these parents are to these youth group kids are such a blessing. When I look back, I grew up in an environment where our parents were not the most active in our personal lives, especially in the church environment, even more rare. It encourages me and makes me happy to see that many of these youth group members have parents who truly take the time out of their lives to be active and present in their young lives.

"I'm Grateful"

There's always a student that stops by every department and just drops by to say "hi, how are you doing?"

When people ask me that question, I often say: "I'm surviving" or "I'm okay". Those are my two go-to statements.

Every time someone asks this person how he's doing, he responds: "I'm grateful."

Hearing a comment like that makes me smile. This reminds me that my perspective needs to change.

Church

I'm very grateful that God placed us in this new church. It's definitely different from the old one. But adjusting to this church wasn't so difficult and although I'm still transitioning, the people here make it easy. The community here is so welcoming and tight knit.

As stressed out as I am every week to have to spend extra time to prepare for Friday and Sunday Services, I'm blessed that I have helpers to assist and make spending time with the youth group a joy. I no longer have weekends to myself, it's solely dedicated to preparing and doing church work. On Monday to Friday, I haven't figured out how to prioritize yet because there's just too many things going on during the week day. I don't have any days to sleep in, I have to be at church way early on the weekends but I'm slowly but surely finally getting used to it. Right now, I've been making sure I get at least 8 hours of sleep to be able to balance the workload each week. That means a lot of sacrifices but it's okay.

I think about if these sacrifices are worth it and at the end of the day, yes it is. Although I no longer have time for myself, although I'm basically overworking myself everyday, and have no free time to socialize and catch up with others, this is what the other and I asked for and God answered our prayers sooner than later. We wanted a church where we have people to work with, where it was active and we can have and develop a community in. This church is a growing church and the size of the group they put us in charge of is very reasonably sized. It already has a structure in place and we basically don't have to start from scratch. The handful of leaders that I'm working with are dedicated, committed and have a heart and passion to see the youth grow. Of course, church is not perfect, but it's definitely something we do not mind working with.

Through the church, the other decided to enroll himself back in school. The other church didn't give him a sense of urgency that he needed to finish, but this semester, he felt like he needed to. We did whatever we had to do to get him enrolled and I'm expecting him to get As. If God allows everything to work out, I hope that we don't have to spend as much financial resources as we have already done in investing into our education especially at a private school. I don't really know how the next year will look like, but I trust that it's all in God's hands.

Internship has been okay so far too. I have no clue how I'm going to finish 380 hours in the next couple of months, but someway somehow I'm determined to finish.

Changes

On September 8th, I found one of my hugest surprise of a lifetime and when I found out, I actually had no better words to say but then to say "holy crap".

For a guy, this is probably TMI, but for a girl, this is a normal thing. August was just an exhausting and tiring month. I couldn't wait for the month to be over but at the same time, I wished and hope that the month would be slower because I had so many things I needed to get done and so many things to anticipate. With registration, adjusting to the new church home, thinking about school and internship and wanting to graduate and just balancing the daily duties of life, I wasn't able to handle anymore. Everyday, I came home, tired, exhausted, stressed, didn't have enough energy to even pick up a finger. This caused me to lose a lot of focus on important things just because I didn't have the mental capacity to think properly. So, in August, I missed my monthly and I didn't think too much of it because I attributed it to stress. I normally don't miss and am pretty consistent, but on occasions when I'm too stressed or overwhelmed, there may be occasional times where I skip a couple of weeks. So the whole August, my monthly did not come to visit me. So I was like, man I must be very stressed.

Anyway, in the beginning of September, my monthly didn't come to visit again. So both the other and I thought it was very strange. So he encouraged me to take the testfv to check. For a whole week, we forgot to because we just had so many things going on in life. So after work one day, I finally remembered to pick up. When we got home, I was so tired, I took a nap on the couch and the other went to the gym. After my nap, I woke up and contemplated if I should test or not, but I figured, I should. So I did and the two pink lines happened so fast, I didn't have enough time to think for myself. My first reaction was: "holy crap". 

So, five minutes later, my other stepped into the room, and I didn't even know how to tell him, so I said, "babe, holy crap". lol. So right away, he was like, what?! And he guess right away! He was so excited and so happy. His first sentence was: "What can I do for you? Do you need a back rub? What do you need?"

I had a mix of emotions. I didn't know whether I was happy, sad, or everything in between. My first reaction, though, was -- I still want to graduate and I'm not sure how it's all going to happen but somehow it is. There were just a wide range of things that were going on through my mind.

God always has a funny way of timing things in my life. Everything for me always had to be early, or sooner than I expected. But, for me, God definitely reminds me that my life is not my own and he does what he wants no matter how hard I try to do things my own way. His timing is perfect, he's in charge, and that's just the way it's going to be.

Just two weeks ago, the other and I had a huge argument about me not being ready to have a child. He was saying that he's getting older and he doesn't want to be too old to not be able to run around with the kids. I was throwing attacks back at him and saying things that probably were hurting and offending his feelings. Don't get me wrong, mentally, I didn't mind, but just circumstantially, the idea seemed so far fetched and so difficult to obtain. I didn't see how something like that would've been possible during this season of my life.  But, God does put people and things in place to ease my worry just a little. He tells me, it's okay, just go where he leads. If he wills for this to happen, everything will fall into place.

So after the pregnancy test, we didn't want to tell anyone yet, well, he told his mother because he said his mother had a dream about us having a baby boy a couple of weeks back. So he called his mother right away and the first thing she said was: "Hallelujah~!" (She's been waiting for a grand kid for who knows how long). I told twig also because I just didn't know what to do, what was the first step, what doctor should I go to, gah! I'm so new at all of this. But we didn't tell anyone yet because the test could've been giving us a lie, so we just wanted to be sure.

So, I looked for a bunch of doctors that were affiliated with decent/good hospitals, preferably North Shore just because twig says it's so good. The other helped me secure an appointment and I took the day off work on Friday to go to the female doctor.

The doctors reaction was so funny because it was my first time seeing an OB. At my age and in my current state, she looked at me like I had five heads on my head. How was that possible! But she did a sonogram, and it was real, it was very real. She said, "Yep, there's a baby in there." I was able to hear the heart beat and see it through the screen. It was so surreal it. I could not believe it. That little thing was in my belly and I didn't even know it. 

In a way, I'm sort of glad I didn't know because it would've toll on my already stressful adjustments to the August season. But yep, it's happening. I'm such a newb because people say they don't normally share with anyone until after the first trimester, but I was in so much shock and had to share the news that I shared it with the selected close friends that I always update my life with. This is gonna be an interesting season, and I'm probably going to try to update the whole process just to process my thoughts.

I haven't officially made it public yet... just a few close friends know. I'm doing my rounds and eventually will get to people one by one before it's officially put on blast on social media. So, for those of you who just happen to be following me on blogger, please keep your mouth sealed for now, you're one of the lucky ones to know. :P

Predictable Stress

These past two weeks and the next couple of weeks are going to seem pretty miserable. My adult life has followed a predictable cycle from over-involvement... to overwhelm and exhaustion, to withdrawal, recovery and isolation, then feelings of guilt that I'm not doing my part.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve in so many different capacities but at the same time, I can't see how I'm going to manage doing everything and still be able to maintain proper mental health and a good relationship with my other. The next couple of weeks, I feel like I need God more than ever because I know for a fact that I can't handle all of this on my own. I keep thinking and rethinking about what I could prioritize or what I should keep or remove from my daily activity list and it just seems that during this season in my life, I'm not sure what I should really say "no" to. Should I delay school another year? But that's stupid because I only have a year left so why not just finish it off so it doesn't have to be an extra burden to think about. Should I continue to work? I've only been there for about a year and a half at this job and I'm enjoying my boss and my team? Why should I leave so soon? They've been so good and so patient with me. I hate working and hate being bound to a 40 hour job, but at the same time I appreciate it as well. I really don't know what to do. Can I say "no" to the new responsibilities in the new church? I mean, there really aren't any expectations but at the same time there are, and that's a big part of what's stressing me out.

Lately, I've unfortunately been consumed by these things:

• Working an additional 15 hours a week at work on top of the regular 40 hour work schedule is super draining. By the end of the work day, I have no mental capacity to think about anything more than my bed.
• Adjusting to a new church environment and yearning to start off on a good start. I have all these ideas in my head, all these things I need to write down and plan, all these things to prepare on a weekly basis, all these people I want to get to know but I can't seem to catch my breath by the time I get home and not enough time just to focus on this. Honestly, it would be amazing to have this just has a full time job but I have no clue how that is going to pan out in the future. I really need to trust and go where God leads.
• Everything that happens in my social life I feel like need to go on a temporary possibly one year pause. I have a friend who is going through hardships in life and on a daily basis this person calls at night, right when I'm about to sleep or when I'm already sound asleep. There are sometimes, I can't help but to think how inconsiderate this person is because I've been telling this person that I'm super exhausted and super drained, but then again, everyone is going through their own issues in life. 
• The musical is tonight, part of me is excited for it and love that I'm working together with all the people I love and the other part of me can't wait until its over just because it takes away from spending a little more time to rest and prepare for the Lords Day.
• The Philippines Mission Trip is in December and I have a feeling that we're going to start preparing on weekends. Saturdays are the only day I have to do anything at all, clean, sleep in a little longer, or whatever but now it seems that I won't even have one day because I have to uphold church responsibilities as well as possibly partake in this. 
• Internship is starting again the Fall 2014. I really can't wait until this ends. It is  blessing to counsel people one on one, but without proper supervision, its so draining. Thinking about how I will finish a whole 365 more hours before the end of the year is dreadful.
• I have to study for the comps which I am way behind on. I started studying only a couple of chapters but only began to. I have to figure how to prioritize my time so that I have time for studying but preparing for ministerial stuff as well. 
• I am only taking one ridiculous credit this coming fall, but the class is such a waste of time and it takes up one weeknight. That's one less night I have to do something more productive with.

I don't know how I did this back in my college days. Thinking about it now just seems impossible.

Stress is written all over my face lately and unfortunately I even snapped at the other because although he's trying to sound like he's encouraging me, it filters in my ears as additional pressure and expectations that need to be met. I sometimes wish that he can understand my perspective. I can't wait until labor day to have that Monday off. I just need a day to rest, to not think, to recuperate, to give myself ample time to accomplish whatever I need to do. Anyway, back to preparing. God help me.

Oh yeah, not only that, I'm not the only one going through stuff. The other has been much more on a time crunch recently too. He's served at so many different retreats this summer and preached at two different ones the past two weeks. Preparing for all of that is time consuming and draining. Not only that, he has to preach every Sunday and next weekend he will be officiating with his close friends wedding. I don't know if life is ever going to slow down, but I really hope we won't work ourselves to death before it does.

New Church

Yesterday was our first day at the new church. God's definitely stretching me in a different way, in a way I'm not the most comfortable with. The other will be serving the EM, something that he's been wanting to do and I will be serving the youth, which I definitely don't mind doing because that's something I always had a heart for. But now the spiritual growth of the whole youth group is now in my hands. It's a little nerve wrecking but at the same time, I know it's not me, it's all God, I just have to trust that he will use me.

I always saw myself playing the support role, but now it's a little more than that and I do feel like it's a huge responsibility to carry and a huge burden considering I'm working full time, still need to complete my internship and then not even enough time to keep up with social and marital needs. But, if this is how God has opened the door for me, by God's grace, this is all going to work out.

I can honestly see myself doing something like this full time in the long run. I love serving people and I don't particularly love doing it in the capacity I am doing it in right now -- as a financial aid counselor. But maybe that's something that might happen in the future and God's just preparing me for this step right now.

What encouraged me while meeting the people there is that there are already leaders set in place to assist the youth which can possibly make my life that much easier in terms of sharing the burden and partnering with each other. I met some of the youth and it looks like after a couple of weeks, can will probably be able to get along just fine.

In my previous ministry experience, I've always been used to becoming friends with these kids but now I have to learn my boundary as a leader and all of that. This is definitely a growing a process but a blessing nonetheless. I can't say I'm extremely excited because I'm a little overwhelmed with the responsibility, but this is just another opportunity to trust God to see how it works.

This is definitely going to be a different experience from my past two church experiences. Let's see how this goes!

Follow the Leader

Every day I have to readjust my perspective. It's so easy to be near sighted. I always need to keep myself in check that the person I'm following is Jesus Christ. He is my leader and when I keep my eyes on him, everything will fall into place. I need to focus on Him and let him direct my path.

I realize in my everyday living that I'm always in need of a leader whether it's in the organization I am serving at, in my church, in my home, in my social setting, whatever it is. Internally, I'm always looking for that leader so that I can follow and when I follow, I follow wholeheartedly. Im blessed to have wonderful leaders in my life but I realize that that in itself is nearsighted too because I'm not following THE leader, I'm focusing too much on following the human leaders path. 

How much more amazing to follow the leader of all leaders. When I do that, then I won't feel so bad about moving on and entering different transitions. When I do that, I'm being faithful to my current circumstances but when it's time to go, there will be no hard feelings because we are going where the big boss wants to take us. 

I think about that often, especially because I'm in then process of transitioning church families and I'm also graduating next year. People often ask me what I'm going to do next? Internally, I feel pressured to come up with a response to show that I have everything planned out. But it seems that every step of my life, none of my plans were God's plans for me. Everything chapter of my life has been literally paved by God, so why stress out so much over it? I have thoughts about wanting to stay in the job I'm currently at because I love my team and my boss. They all have stayed so long and I wish I could do that too, but why pressure myself? I'll go where God leads. I need to follow the leader and stop planning my own life out so stringently.

In small group the other day, we were reading John 10 and it talked about how sheep knows the voice of the shepherd and it follows it. The sheep know the shepherd and the shepherd know the sheep. The are always going in God's leading and no matter how stupid they are, at least they are following their shepherd.

I Don't Belong

It's weird, but there are more moments than less where I feel like I don't belong. All my life, I've always been in some way, the odd ball out, I don't care about the extra necessities in life.  I just need enough to survive, everything else is extra. I just want to get to the basics, where it's just about loving God and loving people. It might be because of the way I was raised, it might just be my personality. When I have conversations with people or when I am just hanging out with others, it's just different. Nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with me, it is what it is. There are many times I feel that I don't fit in, I don't belong? Is it because I'm Christian? I don't think so because they are Christian as well. Is it because I'm still waiting on the assignment that God will be giving me and until then I'm just called to be faithful? Until then, I'm called to just be content in where I am, assimilate. Although I appreciate it, for me, I don't enjoy eating food that costs enough to feed a whole village. I don't care enough to keep up with fashion, buy the trendiest things, spend money on extra necessities that does not necessarily add value to my life. I am not so fascinated by the newest music that comes out or the new movies that show in theaters. I do not care enough to spend the time entertaining my life with things that do not add value and build or encourage me in my walk with God. There are people that have told me that I deserve better, I should be getting paid more, and although I do wish that because expenses never seem to go away, all I want to do is serve at a place where their mission and vision is kingdom related. It seems that I've been called to the current one I'm at now and so far so good, but I don't think this is the end, I feel like there's something else. I've been to plenty of places where people have less, where people live on less, where people almost have nothing and outer appearance isn't the most important. I'm not sure if I belong there either, but there's always been a tugging in my heart that my home might not be here and it might be elsewhere, since the first day I ever experienced outside soil. It's funny because the more I get exposed to just loving people who have less and giving my life up to share the love of Jesus, I have a different feeling in my heart. I feel eagerness, I feel excitement, I feel yearning and I just don't know when and how and what's going to happen. Will it happen sooner than later? I hope one day it'll be at a place where I can successfully learn the language of the people so that it will be easier to relate and communicate. But I see the lifestyle that some people around me live. I want to do that. I don't so much want to do this. But, I'll do it and I'll learn to like it until then. Until then, God, I thank you for allowing me to live comfortably for this long, I thank you for the family, friends, and the different environments you've allowed me to experience. Thank you for always providing, thank you for your protection, thank you for your guidance and providence.

Food for thought:

Ecuador Jungle Mission 2014

I've been on many mission trips over the past couple of years and every single mission trip has been different in so many ways. I'm so encouraged to see the way that God uses people and how the gospel is reached to the masses.

This summer, I had the opportunity to visit Ecuador, specifically the oriente region of Ecuador, about four hours away from Quito with my current church. We lived in a newly built mission home in Tena, Ecuador and traveled to three different villages over the course of ten days, all of which are quite a distance from each other and all of which are located in the amazonian rain forest.

1. Ila-Yaku
2. CampaCocha (the people of this village spoke both Spanish and Kichwa)
3. Cuni-pare (most people of this village spoke Huaorani)

I traveled on this missions trip with a Korean church who worked with a Korean missionary that has been living there for five years and who is being supported by five small local churches in NY. It was quite difficult to communicate with everyone there because my brother and I were the only Chinese people there and every else either spoke Korean or Spanish. Fortunately, there were a handful of people who spoke a little bit of English and I was able to converse with. I was able to understand a little more about the culture, the missionaries, the things they were doing there. 

As a short-term missionary, I acknowledge that I cannot do much there, especially because I did not speak the language well and half the time, I had to rely on my handy dandy Spanish English dictionary which helped me converse the locals there. So in my mind, I was there to just love on the members in the areas that the missionary has already established a church family at. The great thing about missions is that we get to share lives with so many brothers and sisters in Christ around the world, the sad thing about it is that we develop a relationship with them but it's not likely that we will see them again, or merely just a couple of times in our lives. The only thing we can do is pray for them and possibly support in any way we can. 

I learned so much about the missionary and his heart and passion and drive and it made me look at missions and life calling in a different perspective. The missionary we worked with lived a complete life, he was a teacher in Korea. Only after he retired did he move to Ecuador to become a full time missionary and he is living off of his pension. Every dollar used to support the missions goes straight to mission work and not to his own pocket. When I heard his story, I learned that he was impacted by a missionary, David Ross, who had a heart to missions in Korea when he in high school. I learned that the missionary we were working with had a very hard life as a kid. His father ran away from home when he was young and his mother was too stressed to take care him so she went on to marry someone else. This missionary was left alone to fend for himself for all of his life. He was exposed to church because the people there made it fun for him to learn the Bible but none of the teachings sank into his heart until one day he met David Ross, the missionary. Since then, God transformed his life and gave him a heart for missions. Today, he serves full time in Ecuador. Throughout the trip, he hosted not just us, the NY team in the mission home but also some members to help throughout the whole mission trip, about ten of them, all of them were between the ages 14-18 and seems like he has been helping them develop in their faith. He's been training them, doing daily devotionals with them, teaching them christian songs, loving them, teaching them, showing them what it means to be a Christian. I was very encouraged by what he was doing and the impact that he was making on these youth. 

He is one of the few missionaries that we met in Ecuador, we met a handful of other Korean missionaries that moved to Ecuador full time. I was only able to hear one testimony of another couple there because they had time to spend with us during parts of the trip, and they spoke just enough English to converse. It's encouraging to see these older folks live up their calling and go where God calls them and leads them. They learned the language of the people, live amongst the people, and pours into the lives amongst all these people. I pray that God would use my family and I in this capacity or a different capacity as we continuously walk in Him whether its in my hometown or elsewhere. It's just amazing to see how God uses people and how unique it is for every single person. I've encountered so many different people and all of them are used by God in such inspiring ways. People who serve God get mistreated, taken advantage of, misunderstood, but all in all, that does not stop them from the calling God has for them.

This is a link of a glimpse of what we did there. There were a lot of other things we did but this was the bulk of our mission: http://youtu.be/oTr7Hzw3Y5E

Found: God's Will

These are the things that stuck out to me after reading the book, Found: God's Will by John MacArthur:

• "You say you do not know what God's will is, but I'll tell you what it is. Above all it is that you know Christ and then that your neighbors hear about Christ. That is His will. So often we sit around twiddling our thumbs, dreaming about God's will in some distant future when we are not even willing to stand up on our own two feet, walk down the street, and do God's will right now."
• "The question is, has He ever been able to release that power, to fill your life so that you can become what He is?"
• "When he got separated from Jesus, he was a failure." - (In reference to Peter walking on water). "Apart from Jesus, he was nothing".
• "Do you know what the Spirit-filled life is? It is living every moment as though you are standing in the presence of Jesus Christ."
• "Spirit filled life is nothing more than living in the conscious presence of the indwelling Christ."
• "We are to be under the control of the Spirit rather than under the influence of wine."
• "The curious thing is that Colossians 3 has the same list: submission, speaking in psalms and spiritual songs, wives submitting, husbands loving, children obeying, parents not provoking, servants, masters."
• "Do you see what the Spirit filled life is? It is being saturated with the things of Christ -- with His Word, His person."
• "Planned neglect: plan to neglect everything that was not related to her goal."
• "To be Spirit-filled is to live a Christ conscious life, and there is no shortcut to that. You can't go and get yourself super dedicated to live a Christ conscious life. The only way you can be saturated with the thoughts of Christ is to saturate yourself with the Book that is all about Him. And this is God's will, that you not only be saved but that you also be filled with the Spirit."
• "We ought to keep our bodies in subjection to ensure that are honoring God. That includes controlling the way we dress and the things we do with our bodies."
• "Don't act like the rest of the world -- they are guided by their passions."
• "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise for those who do right. For such is the will of God."
• "For such is the will of God that by doing right you may silence the ignorance of foolish men."
• "Live an exemplary life in society."
• "For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right than for doing what is wrong."
• "Evangelism isn't just the preacher's job, it is yours."
• "Evangelism involves living a godly life in the face of an ungodly world."
• "Satan doesn't really know what he's getting into. God is sovereign."
• "Pray to God that he will give us more boldness."
• "People have been living their whole lives in offense to God; let them be offended for a while."
• "God's will is that you be saved, Spirit-filled, sanctified, submissive and suffering."
• "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalms 37:4.
• "If you are living a godly life, He will give you the right desires."
• "Then trust that it is God who planted it. God out of here."
• "He had the right idea, God had a different city."
• "He likes to use people who are already moving."
• "He never told them till they had proved their faith and persistence and couldn't take another step."
• "They need to start moving so God can steer them to that area of service He has planned. Knowing God's will may mean pushing down a narrow line until you hit a dead end."
• "You see, the will of God is not primarily a place. The will of God is not, first of all, for you to go there or work here. The will of God concerns you as a person. If you are the right you, you can follow your desires and you will fulfill His."

Go Wherever God Leads

I feel like a lot has happened these past couple of weeks, just a busy season. One of the biggest transitions recently is the idea of transitioning to a new church family by the end of this summer. The other and I have been praying about it for quite a while and recently, it seems that God has been opening the doors for this to happen. There's a lot to pray about and so far, everything's going pretty smoothly.

It seems like the prominent theme that keeps occurring the past couple of weeks in my life is: "Go wherever God leads". I mean, he's led us thus far, why be anxious and worried about where we are going to go next? This has given me a lot more peace of mind since I'm the type of person who's always concerned about what my next step should look like.

Recently, I read a book: "Found: God's Will" by John MacArthur. It's a random book I decided to pick up and read because it was only 75 pages. The book encouraged and reminded me about what it means to be "spirit-filled" and that as long as we are walking full of the Spirit and being faithful to his Word, everything will fall into place. (Will blog about this in another blog)

Then, a couple of days later, I met with a friend who just came back from Russia and she was sharing all her crazy stories of the things that happened to her the past 6 months there. And over and over again, she kept talking about being full of the Spirit and how every step she took, she relied on the Spirit.

Then, a couple of days later, we had a work picnic, and there was a man who shared a very heart-felt and honest testimony of his battle with the brain tumor that God healed him of after 9 months. Now, the "Praise You in The Storm" song by Casting Crowns means that much more to me after he sung it. As he was sharing his testimony, he used his personal experience of saving a bird after he dove into a pool, it was pretty amazing. It's crazy because when we got back to work the next day and debriefed about the testimony, God couldn't have used any other man than him to display his power and glory. Since he was in his youth, he has always been radical for God, very smart and set an example in faith. It wasn't shocking that it was a brain tumor and it wasn't shocking that he was able to overcome it because of his faith in Christ.

During the picnic, I spoke with one of the higher ups because she was a missionary in Ecuador for 14 years before she started working in the college. Her life in itself is very encouraging, she says that the only reason she transitioned off the missionary field was because that's where God was leading and she will go wherever God leads her and her family to.

Another one of our coworkers was going to be a long term international worker in Palestine at the West Bank, and he said something very profound that had a lasting impact on me: "The call is there, we are just waiting for the assignment." A lot of times, we feel that God is calling us to something more, something bigger, and then in the season when nothing spectacular is happening, we feel that we're not hearing from the Lord and we question if there is more to life than this. He reminded me that there is a season of preparation and God was growing our faith to fully rely on Him. That's definitely how I'm feeling in this season of my life. We are being put in a position to learn to trust Him. In the meantime, while we are stuck at where we are at and positioned in the certain areas of life, be a good steward so that when we leave, leave it well so that we can miss the relationships that were established. For me, in this preparation season, I feel like I've definitely failed many times in the sense of my lack of trust and impatient-ness towards God. I have a long way to go. But I'm continuing to learn to trust God and trust that this is what the Lord has for us in this season of our life. Life can change and anything can happen overnight, and I must be prepared for it. Just like one of our coworkers said, he said "this is the pattern that the Lord has always used in our lives", I feel the same way. We have no control of anything and He makes us sweat things out a bit, but all we are called to do is be faithful.

Lastly, my boss prayed a prayer and said: The Lord's vision is not complicated like the things that are complicated in our lives. It's not, God just calls us to be faithful in whatever we are doing.

In the midst of all my worries and concerns, one thing that gives me peace of mind is that the other and I are surrendering it to God and just walking by faith and in the meantime, serve faithfully wherever we are until we receive our next assignment. We trust that God will lead us wherever when the time is right.

I'm Grateful For...

Sometimes, I lose site of the many blessings God has given me, so here's an activity for myself.

Think about the things you're grateful for. Make a list of 10 of them. Tell someone why you're grateful for each, and praise God for all that He has given you. 

In no specific order:

1. God. I'm grateful that God has chosen me to be part of his family. I did nothing to deserve it and I can do nothing to deserve it. I'm grateful, privileged and honored to be able to serve this God who is way higher and bigger than anything I can possibly think or imagine. 

2. Husband. I'm grateful to God for such a loving and patient husband. He is a man who strives to honor God with his life, he is servant hearted, is continually being sanctified, and goes out of his way to love me and the people around him as Christ loves him. 

3. Family. I'm grateful to God for amazing parents, in-laws, siblings and extended family. I'm grateful that they are always supportive and that we are able to rely on each other in all circumstances. 

4. Job. I'm grateful to God for my current job. I have coworkers who work hard, a boss who is wise beyond his years, and an environment where believers can edify each other even in our work place. I'm grateful that my boss allows me to work at my own pace, that he trusts me and doesn't micromanage, and that we all have a great working relationship. 

5. Community. I'm grateful to God for awesome friends who are there through thick and thin. I'm grateful for people in my life, both the ones that are easy to love and the ones that are hard to love. I'm grateful for the new friends I continue to make and the old friends that have been by my side through the different seasons of life. I'm grateful to know that there are people I can count on and those that will always test my patience. 

6. Food and Shelter. I'm grateful to God that I have a place to call home and no matter how much financial problems I'll have, I'll know that God provides always  more enough for us to be able to have food on our table on a daily basis. I'm thankful for electricity, hot water, clothes to put on my back. I'm thankful to have enough. 

7. Church. I'm grateful for my old church community and new church community. I'm thankful that I get to walk into a church where there are people who can be frustrated because not enough people are being saved and more revival. I'm thankful that God moves in all circumstances whether we see it or not. 

8. Gifts and Talents. I'm thankful that God has made me unique, he blessed me with the talents that go in line with the things I'm passionate about. He's given me just enough so that I will remain humble and dependent on God and others rather than mysfelf. I'm grateful that he's put people in my life who have their own unique skill set so that when we come together as a body, we can share and strive in our strengths while assisting each other in our weaknesses. 

9. Health. I'm thankful to God that I am very able bodied and that I am capable to do many things because I am an overall healthy person. I am thankful that I can breathe & have two legs to walk, I have site to sea, I can taste and enjoy food, I can smell the fresh summer breeze and flowers blooming. 

10. Education. Im grateful to God to be continuously learning and obtaining knowledge. I'm grateful to be given the opportunity to apply what I learn and be challenged in what I know. I'm grateful to be around like minded people who want to help others because they want to make a difference. 

Internship

I've almost officially completed my first year of internship. As long as that sounded, it went by faster than I thought. Although I have not completed even 50% of my hours, I'm not too worried. Earlier in the semester, I found out my supervisor was leaving after the semester ends. I was pretty disappointed because I didn't know that I had to find another internship and not continue at the current place I'm at. It didn't seem like he cared much at the time because he was probably going through his own personal issues, but he just said it's probably best for me to find another internship to gain another experience and this site doesn't know if they can secure interns yet.

Last week, I bumped into the dean/pastor on the elevator. He turned over to me and said:
Pastor: "Hey are you graduating this semester?"
Me: "No, unfortunately not, I'm in the decelerated program"
Pastor: "Oh, what's that?"
Me: "It's when we intern for less hours a week and complete our internship experience in two years rather than one."
Pastor: "Oh. Say, do you happen to be interested in continuing your internship with us next semester?"
Me: "Sure, but I was under the impression that I should look for another one but if I had the opportunity to continue my internship here, I'd love to! Have you secured a new counselor yet?"
Pastor: "We've been interviewing and I think I should have a decision by this week."
Me: "Oh wow, that sounds great. Can you let me know?"
Pastor: "Definitely."

So we parted ways and initially, I gave up hope about continuing my internship experience here although that's what I wanted to do. I was actually looking forward to find another internship to gain a different experience, possibly a more clinical one. I started putting together my resume and such, but week after week, I just didn't feel ready to send out my resume, because I didn't give my resume and cover letter enough time and attention. I only sent it to one person, like four weeks later, and he told me he'd get back to me because they are seeing if his site is willing to hire interns for the year.

Well, he still hasn't gotten back to me but I wasn't too worried. And then the pastor/dean situation happened. I started thinking about all these thoughts.. like since I'm going to have a new counselor, she will be coming in with new experience, so it would be so awesome to stay. Then I'd be able to continue with my current clients and actually hone my skills. After this year, I finally feel like I'm getting more comfortable and adjusted, and it would be a shame to leave so soon.

I spoke to my current supervisor and asked him his thoughts. He actually said it would be a good idea. He put a good word in for me. And a day later, I emailed pastor/dean to follow up with him. With quick response, he said "YES!". That actually made my day.

This week, I was also ending my sessions for the semester with many of my students. As much as it's frustrating/hard to counsel sometimes because it's so hard to see progress, I heard some feedback from a couple of students and I'm glad that God used me to make an impact in their lives.

Lent Season

This was the first year in which I didn't really give up anything for lent, but instead, I stumbled upon a devotional that my friend posted to church group on Facebook. I quickly looked through it and I felt that it would be a great book just to be intentional about my relationship with God. So, diligently I read through the 40 days, the devotional was so well written it was hard for me to take my hands off it, but at the same time, it was probably God too.

I didn't expect much from the forty days but I shared it with a couple of friends here and there because I was excited about it and was just hopeful to see how God would bring me along in this lent season process. Before lent started, I felt stressed, anxious, weak, tired, hopeless. I wanted to be renewed, revived, strengthened, encouraged, and inspired once again. And I knew that I was only going to be able to do that by keeping my eyes on Jesus.

Lent consists a total of 6 weeks.
Week one: I read the devotional on a daily basis to myself.
Week two: The other started saying that we should start worshipping together.
Week three: I was happy to be able to read devotionals with him and singing songs together with him.
Week four: We have small groups with church folks on Saturday night and we used the devotional as the study material. It was the first time in a while where some people, me included, were opening up and talking about some deeper issues. I also started getting noticeably antsy/frustrated at seeing the status of the church and so I sort of strongly questioned some people directly. The other said I may have come off too strong and it could've been offensive that he has to apologize for me. The other also noticed that I had a very strong personality for the first time in a ministry setting... and he wondered how that would work with two strong people. Internally, I felt like I was dying because of my perspective of my church and not being able to branch out the way I used to be able to in ministry.
Week five: As each week passes, reading the devotional really helped me to focus on Christ's death on the cross. I was able to reflect on how he suffered, every step he took leading to being crucified on the cross. By the time Good Friday approached, meditating on Christ for the past month or so has just been a humbling experience. I also had to continue to remind myself that I needed a perspective change and only God was able to do that in me.
Week six: Easter Sunday! Good Friday was good, I had the day off work, so I was able to spend that time with God as well as tidying up the home. The other, Jer and I were able to break fast together and go to church immediately after for a short skit service. It was my first time experiencing it that way. The lights were all off in the sanctuary and every other person was holding a candle for light. All the KM members had certain parts and they enacted the Jesus story by reading off a paper and everyone had their own parts in the dark. Although I didn't understand a word, the thought and meaning behind such tradition and ritual was quite profound. Saturday was good, we painted eggs with the kids and had small group after.. although SG was a little wack.. it seems that nobody really cares for their faith, but why should I expect so much. The Sunday came and for some reason... both the other and I.. our spirits were down and all of a sudden, it didn't feel like Jesus rose again when we stepped into the church. I don't remember the whole day clearly, but I don't remember feeling like celebrating like I did while I was reading through and going through the whole devotional this past month.

I'm going to do this devotional again next year, possibly even make it a tradition until I find another devotional that's just as good. God is good. There's so many things we still don't understand, there's so many things we're still questioning, it just feels like our faith Is being tested over and over again and we just keep failing because our hearts are not right. God we neeeeeeeeed you.

One Year

Today marks my one year of working at my first full time job. Prior to that, I've always been working a lot of hours, but always part time. Time flies... pretty quickly. Do I see myself working here forever? No. I feel like I've been working here forever already because prior to this, I was just working in the same building but different department. I've dedicated about almost three years to this community already and it's been a great experience overall. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had here. There are times I want to move on because I feel like this is not it, I want to do something more, something that drives me, but for some reason, I don't feel like it's the time to move on just yet. Within the past year, I've had the opportunity to work in different departments: the admissions office, the financial aid office, as a counseling intern and as a student here. Sometimes I see myself being in academia, but other times, I feel like I want to do more.

Ministry Begins at Home

My coworker found out that a very well-respected and high-esteemed preacher has a daughter who had a child when she was 14 years old. This information was not exposed to the public and no one knew about it except for the church (comprised of 35,000 people on an average Sunday).

Because my coworker recently found out, she was shocked and her immediate thought was... for this preacher, family became second priority and ministry in the church became first. He was too busy attending speaking engagements around the world and caring for other people's lives that he did not have enough time to care for his family.

She was a firm believer that ministry begins at the home. If she was offered a speaking engagement elsewhere, she would say no if her son (she's a single mother) was not right with God. This was very important for her. She's a firm believer that the parent has to be present in the child's life not to watch everything he/she is doing, but at least to speak truth into their life. It's great to be praying for the kids twenty four hours a day, but it is also very important to not just pray but be present in the child's life.

It then made me think about a pastor I know who had three kids that has already grown up. He's a very spiritual and well-respected pastor, prays for hours and hours a day and everyone can tell he's a spiritual man. His three kids, though, have all seem to keep God as the farthest thing from their mind. They attend church for the sake of respecting their parents, but when it comes to their relationship with God, it was not so important. It's interesting because in the Asian culture, it does not seem that the parents take so much of an active role in the child's life. Our Christian Asian parents pray for their kids all the time, but don't spend enough to be intentionally around their kids and speak life into them.

Growing up in a family where my parents spent most of their time outside of the home made me think how I would raise my future kids. I, also, am going to be in ministry for the rest of my life with my other. I hope that we can actively always pray for our kids together as well as be actively involved in their life too.

Invitation

My coworker told me a testimony regarding something that happened in her life not too long ago.

It went something like this. Someone brought a new comer to church. The new comers have new comer meetings where they are introduced to the gospel. There was this one new comer who came in saying that she sought out all religions, all religions are the same, and kept talking back at my coworker, who was the leader of the group for that week. The newcomers heart was obviously closed and she just kept going on and on regarding her own philosophies and such. My coworker was praying to God under her breath and trying to hear from God what she should do. She knew that starting a debate wouldn't help, then they'd just go in circles arguing about the same thing. Then, it came to her, my coworker stopped the newcomer and said something like this with the most sincerity:

"Newcomer, today, I want to give you an invitation. I'm not sure if you've received this invitation or not but today you can. Would you like to receive Jesus Christ in your life as your Lord and Savior today? It's not something that I can do, but I promise your life won't be the same. It's really up to you to open your heart and receive it."

To her surprise, the newcomer said yes, prayed with my coworker and wanted to start a relationship with God.

This testimony reminds me that as a Christian, going back and forth to tackle topics and always trying to other peoples questions might not always be the answer. Sometimes, we get so busy tackling topics that we forget to ask the most important question. Why talk about him when we can really get to know him by just accepting the invitation.

That's my problem too, sometimes, I allow things to be too logical in my head and forget that I've already received Christ and he has control over everything.

Tears Of...

The times when I get emotional are the times I remember the most. Why? Just because. When tears come down, that's a different story. I usually would say I don't cry a lot, but I realize I do and in the past couple of years, I can remember the exact moments when I was cried... so I just wanted to list them. Lol. For some occasions, there are songs that remind me of these times.

In recent years, I've cried because...

• Someone else's mother died. I just thought about the moments that they're going to want their mother so much but they'd only be left with the memories of their mother. 
• Songs: Enough by Chris Tomlin & Before the Throne of God.
  Acknowledging that God is more than enough for us is true, but it takes so much faith to actually confess that and believe it.
• I've grown so attached to some of the friends I made in the Philippines and it just hurt so much knowing that we won't see each other for a very long time.
• Songs: Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture and Nothing is Impossible by PlanetShakers
  When I hear these songs, I'll always remember when one of the guys sang these songs on the last day. The way people in a third world country sing this song compared to the way we do is so much different. To confess that God's love never fails and to know that nothing is impossible for God requires a different type of faith for our friends in the Philippines.
• Fear of a close one's death due to a stroke. 
• Song: Great I Am by New Life Worship.
  When we were leading this song during worship, I could recall the moment where kindred soul and I couldn't help but to cry as we declare that God is the Great I Am no matter what happens.
• Fear of losing a close friend and when nothing seemed to go right in life.
• Song: I Will Trust You by Hillsong.
  I remember while I was playing piano on stage and singing this song. Life just wasn't going the right way during that season of my life but I begging him to come to me during the weak seasons of my life and that I would trust him regardless of my emotions.
• When I felt so broken and just needed God so bad.
• Song: The More I Seek You.
  I remember just bowing before God at a retreat during a very tough season in life and it was comforting yet overwhelming to know that the more we seek God, the more we'll find him. I couldn't even muster up the voice to sing those lyrics, just his presence was overwhelming.
  
  Now that I'm reflecting back, I remember all those days so clearly, as if it were yesterday. I remember the feelings I felt, the pain in my heart while I was just struggling with God. Thinking about it, these songs actually really helped me keep my focus on God, it helped me to acknowledge that God is everything and I just need to give my situation up to him. In what seemed to me as hopeless situations during that time, these songs reminded me to stop looking at myself and look to God. Now these songs are personal for me and touch me in a different way when I listen to them.
  
  There were other times I cried because...
• I miss my grandma so much after I left her in 2010 and it hurt so much to know that I wasn't going to have her around that much longer and that we lived so far apart. Seeing her servants heart just broke me to pieces.
• After grandma died, I didn't think it would affect me that much. But there are moments where I think about her and I just miss her so much. My interaction with her was merely only one month before she got cancer, but the impact she had on my life was eternal.
• Seeing what a servant heart one of the mother's in the Philippines was. Leaving her felt like I was leaving my own mother.
• Feeling blessed and so grateful because of another person's personal testimony.
• When someone comes to Christ.
• Out of desperation and hopelessness because the fighting during my childhood wouldn't stop. 
• I've been hurt and don't want to be hurt again.
• I was touched by the reconciling relationship between two people.
• I feel anxiety, overwhelmed and hopeless in some life situations.

Reflecting on all of these moments... and getting out of a lot of these moments in one piece... it just continues to remind me of how small I am and how big God is. I'm just a little piece in the puzzle that he's using. I do thank God to be able to feel joy and pain and a bunch of different emotions. It continues to remind me that I'm human.

Ups and Downs

There are moments where nothing seems to go right in life and there are other moments where everything in life is amazing.

Recently, it's more of the first one. And in these moments, I want so much to trust God but being the human that I am, I can't help but to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious and heavy and unable to focus and concentrate on the things I need to do and distracted and then I become focused on myself and angry and unproductive and unhappy and then I count everything in my life thats not going right and then I feel so helpless, hopeless, discouraged. It's hard to appreciate and see the good out of things when everything is going wrong. I start idolizing the things that are going wrong instead of focusing on the things that are going right.

But still, I want to trust God, I need to rely  on God. I need to trust in his faithfulness. I need to keep my focus on Him rather than myself. I need to look at the bigger picture. I need to count my blessings. I need to pick myself up and just get over it because it's going to get better eventually. Maybe it won't but I need to change my perspective and readjust my focus.

In the lent devotional, this quote encouraged me: Lent is not about your faithfulness, but rather about the faithfulness of Jesus on your behalf. He is the faithful One! 

Everything that's going wrong all seem to minuscule compared to Jesus did for us on his short time on earth, but yet I still throw myself a pity party over it.

Either way, whatever I'm feeling, it'll all pass eventually. God is still good. Thank you God for everything. 

Death

--- Saturday ---

This morning, we found out that one of the church members past away due to breast cancer. She's been in and out of the hospital the past couple of months, she's been coping with it and trying to stay and strong and positive as she could. Actually, she might've been the only person in the whole church that was the most servant hearted and smiled even through her struggles.

She has three kids - ages 13, 8 and 5 and a husband. Every week in church, you could see how close the children are to their mothers, I wonder how much the parents prepared their children prepared for this. I knew that the kids knew that mom was sick, but did they know how sick? I wonder what I would do if I were in the parents position. How would I bring it up to the children? How would I cope with it as a mother. Such tough decisions to make.

--- Sunday ---

We went to church this morning and it was pretty silent and heavy day. Crying and tears here and there but it was funny because the kids and the husband came to church and they didn't have any tears shed. It was all the other members who were crying.

Anyway, I overheard in the midst of conversations that the youngest one asked "Where's mom?" the next morning after mother's death.

While I had her on my lap while singing praise songs, she turned around to me and said, "My mom died." She didn't show much emotions, couldn't tell whether she was happy or not. But I was just extremely sad and so I tried so hard to tear without her seeing. It might've not hit her yet but it's so painful to see these young kids without their mother who loved them so much.

After lunch, David told me her heard the saddest thing in his life. He was talking to the middle one and was like -- You know your moms not dead right? She goes "I know". "You'll see her again someday". She goes: "I know, but I wish I could still touch her." GAH!

Either these kids are strong and have been prepared well or they are still in shock that their mother died. Whatever the case is, just imagining what it's like without a mother is heartbreaking.

This reminds me of a couple of years ago when one of the little girls at the old church asked me: "Can you be my mom?" With confusion, I asked her: "How come you want me to be your mom, you already have a mom." And she goes: "My father died when I was a baby, what if my mother dies too?" Man. Sigh.

There's Gotta Be More

Written two Wednesdays ago. 

I'm already near the end of my graduate degree, and for some reason, although I love what I'm learning, I still don't feel like this is it; this is not the end and this is not enough. The major I'm choosing is such a great field, it does truly help people, but for some reason, I can't see myself sitting in closed settings and listen to people talk day after day and work through their issues with them. 

It's not that I don't like it, I've gained so much experience doing it the past couple of months and it's so intriguing and I get so challenged and excited when I'm dealing with a case that I'm not used to because it forces me to learn more and to go out of my way to figure out how to help people. It's almost like putting a puzzle together or something, but counseling is like helping a person piece things together through an outside perspective. I mean these are real people seeking help with real peoples problems and they are entrusting someone like me to help them or guide them or support them in some way shape or form! What an honor it is to do such a thing. BUT, I want to do more. I don't want to just be contained to this. But I don't know how to get there or what it's going to take for me to get there and now I'm just getting antsy because the process takes long to figure out. 

Today, we watched two videos: one about Nick Vujicics life and another about Joni Eareckson Tadas life and how they were able use their disability for good. Nick Vujicic mentioned that his purpose was to be a speaker, he wanted to be a speaker so bad and impact people through this limitations. What a great way to live life! I was particularly inspired by Joni, I think it's because in the video, she was living amongst the people, and walking with them side by side on a daily basis. She had a disability as well where she couldn't move anything from shoulder down, and there was a point in the video she was so proud of seeing a guy who never walked stand up for the first time and walk with a walker. She was so excited for him and I was imagining myself in her place, I wanted to give this person a hug so bad! Unfortunately, Joni couldn't do that because she didn't have the capability to.

I think about it all the time. I have hands, I have feet, I'm perfectly healthy and I can do so much! So what am I doing?! Well I'm currently doing so much now too but I don't feel like that's the "so much" I want to be doing. All I can do now is be faithful with the things God has entrusted me in and when the time comes, God will entrust me with the things I actually want to do and I can't wait to be faithful to that as well. 

I know that God has called me to this place during this season of my life and he's preparing me for something more, I just don't know what it is. But I do know that having a degree and such experience can set me up for something different and possibly draw me close to something that I'm called to do. Maybe it'll direct me to the right people. But this process is definitely a training period, a time to be built up, and I just have to be patient and walk by faith. 

This summer, I have to find another internship. During my internship here, though it was not the most professional setting I wanted to be in, it was convenient and God made a way for me to be here, I always seem to have favor from God and I'm very very thankful for that. Through this process, I was and still am forced to learn independently and figure things out almost on my own. I am learning what to do and what not to do and I had the privilege of counseling and being an integral part of so many peoples lives. But, after all is said and done, I can't see myself doing this for years to come. I hope the next internship that God opens the door for me for, I can be just one step closer to my passions and hearts desires. 

Speaking Up in Class

During class tonight, the professor was talking about Nick Vujicic so right away I showed my two classmates the selfie I took with him in the distance when I bumped into him while window shopping in NYC. So one classmate looked at me and goes, tell the professor! Share that, that's such cool news! And I refused because, well, I didn't think it's an interesting enough topic to share for the entire class to hear, just close friends. So the professor goes, does anyone have any comments or anything to share? And the classmate goes, Joan does! She met Nick Vujicic! Just before the class, we were talking about how I'm 51% extrovert and 49% introvert. So she looked at me and goes: but you're an extrovert! How come you just don't share! And it ended there.

But what I find interesting is that during that small interaction between the classmate and I, I realized that she really really wanted me to share that, and I really really thought it was just unnecessary to share. 

So of course, it became a part of our conversation during our commute. For me, it wasn't about me being an extrovert or not, it's more so because I felt like the topic at hand would add no value to the class and therefore it's not necessary to waste two minutes of the class to mention such topic. For her, it was more of, you should participate more in class, people want to hear your input, class is so much more exciting when people are interacting and engaging I'm conversations in class. In so many instances, I agree! 

That leads me to the group dynamics class I took a couple of semesters ago. The professor says (in group therapy lingo) that I am a "freeloader". I act itself engage in the conversation but I don't talk. I'm just absorbing all the information and not giving verbal feedback. I remember when I first learned of that word, I was like wow! I finally found a word to identify me! 

So since I was young, I was never the type I actively participate in class though I may have fully engaged. Part of the reasons is because I felt a lot of the input people bring into the classroom setting are boring, they are a waste of time and many people participate just to get participation points. Of course, when people actually share something of value, I totally appreciate it. So since then; I just don't talk much and I just listen. That might be an Asian characteristic or that may just be me, who knows. But there are times when I really wanted to share something I thought was so interesting but I would think twice about sharing because I didn't want to be one of the people that wasted precious class time on nonsense. So I don't know if it's a self esteem issue or not, but just something I thought was interesting to keep record of.

So at the end of our conversation, she goes, Joan you should participate more, that's a challenge! And my stop arrived and so I said okay! And we departed. 

I'm the Asian community, I feel like I'm always participating, and that's because there aren't a lot of people who do, so I will. But in settings where there are people to uphold a conversation, I tend to keep my mouth shut. So for me, I realize I give input in a group setting when it's needed and no one else doing it. I'm not used to doing it in a diverse setting because then there'd just be too many people talking. 

Just wanted to verbalize my thoughts for the night. :)