Self-Help Book

Yesterday was my official last day of internship with my client which means I'll officially have a master's degree. What a ride.

We ended on a really good note last night. I asked for her feelings of our counseling sessions coming to an end and she processed through all that's happened this year and how she's "not the same". Thens he referred to self-help books. She goes... those are all bogus. There's no possible way you can help yourself. Even as much as a person wants to think that they want to help themselves, it's not possible, that's just not the way we were made.

She referred to the scenario of a person who was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor's said that this person was uncurable. A couple of months later, the person was cancer-free.

In that example, one would think that this person did something that resulted in such type of healing. But that's impossible, there had to be an intervention and that is God. Even a more practical way of speaking, we want to solve our problems on our own, deal with our own emotions but the reality is that we were not made that way. We need people in our lives to walk with us and go through our pain and misery with us. We need people to help us grow and make us stronger.

So in regards to self-help book, that's stupid because no one can truly help themselves.

Waiting

During this advent season, I gave messages on waiting. One thing that stood out to me as I was sharing was that I was really speaking to myself. The main idea:

Patience --> humility --> joy
Impatience --> pride --> bitterness

I've taken on the latter for many many months and it just made me continue to face what a prideful person I am.

Thanksgiving

When I am preparing for something, I have a tendency to look through google or take ideas from other people and other things and use it for myself. Then I start looking and there is SO much information out there that I don't even know where to start reading and gleaning ideas from.

Well it's another year and Thanksgiving is this week which means Thanksgiving Potluck with my youth group is at the end of this week. I find myself wanting to do the same thing again, look through different blogs, youth ministries, etc and it's SO MUCH work. It's just as much as work as me actually preparing for the specific thing itself. I also have a habit of trying to avoid speaking when necessary because I feel that I'm inadequate to do so. But as a person who oversees the yg, I have the privilege of public speaking at least twice a week, Fridays and Sundays. The privilege of speaking into the lives of many youth group members with the potential that these kids will have a deeper and more personal relationship with Christ and each other.

To be completely honest and frank, I could do so much better but I don't know how. That's where it's up to me to allow God to assist me in these areas in where I am weak and lacking, where I can allow God to take control and be the driver instead of me always trying to steal his seat. It's a battle, it's hard because I'm always trying to think of things in which I can do myself. Well, this Friday, I have another opportunity to speak, and this time it's about Thanksgiving.

-- Side note -- Even now, I just stumbled upon a post on Facebook and about stuff that interests me regarding youth ministry and now I book mark something new, once again. Never ending continuous cycle, so much information but none of them applied --

-- Another side note -- At the convention, I was really tempted to buy every single downloadable message of the entire convention for $99 so that I could get the benefit of listening to things that I missed out on. But I resisted temptation because I knew I wasn't going to get through everything anyway and I need to apply the immediate things I have learned one step at a time and that's probably going to take a year in itself.  --

So, right now, I do want to spend a lot of timing looking at other resources about what to speak about Thanksgiving and I already have but it's not helping and I'm not speaking from the heart and still running from empty. So I'm taking these next couple of minutes to blog about whatever is on my heart regarding thanksgiving and hopefully God will give me some revelation on what to speak about to my youth.

Thanksgiving. Every year, the holiday seasons is always a very busy year for the church. We're always planning for the next program, the next retreat, the next performance, the next thing to decorate, gift exchanging, meeting up with different groups for holiday festivities, eating food, there's always something going on. It's been such a ritualistic thing for me that these events have to be held for the sake of church culture that personally, I have lost the meaning and thought behind what these events really mean. I mean, I know why we celebrate it but I definitely don't appreciate it and take it to heart.

So what should be the focus of Christians on Thanksgiving aside from just getting together and eating a good meal together? This was actually a really good resource: http://www.gotquestions.org/thanksgiving-Christian.html.

-- I know what verse I'm going to share my message on... 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.--

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." Thank you God, and now.. to get started. It took 3 hours to finally get started on preparing for this Thanksgiving message... lol.

NYWC 2015 Reflection

NYWC has finally completed, it's been four long days of information overload and now it's time to go back home and apply it.

These are some things I want to begin applying right away:

• Self-care/soul care --> Relationships --> Programs. In that order. I can't blame anyone but myself for doing it backwards which means I can't blame anyone but myself for going through so much stress.
• Train volunteers
• Create a vision/mission.
  
  "Re-learn how to seek God first."

Adjustment

The past two weeks out of work have been an adjustment to say the least. I'm grateful to not have to ride the MTA and be stuck commuting all day long, but it does feel weird not doing so because I've been doing that for such a long time. It's been an adjustment because:

• I still wake up every morning looking at the time and imagine myself and what I'm doing either at work or on the train.
• Trying to balance baby, husband, my own personal life and youth ministry schedule has been difficult because the baby does take up most of our time and learning how to prioritize is still a work in progress. Soon, the other and I are working on creating something for ourselves where he has time to do his things efficiently, I have time to do mine, but we still have time for each other also. The other has been making a little more effort in spending time with me and the baby together which I appreciate. 
• Still haven't figured out how to spend quiet time with God and be still before Him. 

Some things I have done that I haven't been able to do for the longest:

• Clean my room
• Get glasses
• Get contacts
• Go on a youth leadership training conference
• Watch the baby for a whole day
• Go out with hubby and the baby together for a walk

Some things I miss:

• Having a work station (desk, computer, etc) because I don't have a place to do work at home.
• Being with a team of people and a boss who makes the day better all the time.
• Going out out for lunch, talks and walks with my best coworker friend.
• Not having to think about obtaining health insurance.

People ask what I've been doing with all my free/flexible time. I think about it and as of this moment, I still don't think that I have much free time. Yes, my schedule is a little more flexible but I still feel like I have thousands of things to do and accomplish. Having a social life still seems a little bit difficult to have but hopefully I'll be able to learn to prioritize accordingly soon so that life can be lived out in a healthy and joyful way.

NYWC 2015

After resigning from the job, I was pretty excited to have a little bit more flexibility in terms of being better equipped with serving the youth ministry. Since I dedicate such a big portion of my life serving in the ministry, it was a high stress factor for me to constantly not feel equipped nor prepared in my weekly duties. So, first thing I did was to sign up for a leadership convention that I have been so longing to go to all year long. I stumbled upon NYWC and it just happened to have the dates that landed perfectly for me and so on my own I went.

There were a couple of reasons I decided to go alone. I wanted some time away from everyone. I wanted to be equipped to better serve the youth. I was hoping I could connect with some people (but I knew it was pretty unlikely because most people from this convention is not from my area). Anyway, it's been a blessing to come by myself the past couple of days because I have been free to do things on my own time and most of it is bound by the workshops and sessions during the convention time. But I didn't have to rush anywhere, I could walk anywhere I want, I didn't have to entertain anyone it was just nice. I haven't had time to be lonely here because I leave the house so early and get back home so late that it's just for bed.

I used AirBnb for the first time by myself. I used it once in LA but didn't have the best experience but this time around it's been a pretty good experience. The place I'm at is old school yet modern. The person who was hosting ended up not being home for the weekend so I have the whole place to myself (although I did wish I had more chances to talk to her, she seemed really awesome to talk to). I got to hear her story about her life and got to share mine as well. I also used Lyft to get home the past two nights. I've been walking about 3-4 miles a day, which I don't typically do on a normal day to day basis, so by the end of the night, the whole bottom half of my body is sore and I'm just tired. It's been a blessing just to use these different social media platforms to meet different people here and connect with them. It's so much fun meeting new people and it's great because the relationship ends after the business relationship is over but just getting to hear people from different walks of life in such a short period of time is fun.

At this convention, there were some things that stuck out to me:

• I was encouraged about the large population of people who stay serving in youth ministry for over 20-30 years. I don't see a lot of that in the ministries I'm part of so hearing that there are people who care about the youth generation enough was encouraging.
• There is a need for resources to equip leaders who serve the Asian American setting. I realize that we as Asian Americans don't really have our own identity and take from the different cultures, whether it be White-Americans or African Americans, but most of their practices suit their culture and sometimes don't always pertain to the Asian American culture. The issues they face are not always the issues we face.
• There are a lot of leadership networking training events for Christians in the NYC area, but primarily for college and above or young adults but not so much for youth, or at least not many that I know of. And if they are for youth, it seems to not relate to the Asian American setting.
• I'm in a lot of need of soul care. I have so a passion for serving people but because my cup is not full and not overflowing, it's been hard to serve. 
• At the end of the day, praise God that I still love God and still love kids. That might mean I'm meant for this and if it does, then I hope that God would equip me as I learn to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me, especially in the midst of my weaknesses and insecurities.

Well Wishes

So on Monday, I submitted my letter of resignation right before the end of the work day because I was trying to stall as long as possible and then he ended up telling my coworkers right before we left. Once he did, I immediately started sobbing in my cubicle, I don't know why, but so many emotions come up when it comes to leaving. I guess I just really hate good byes and stepping into new things are always scary.

What I do appreciate a lot is the amount of support I did receive.

When I left the office, my coworkers had already left ahead of me. It was just an awkward way to spill the beans but there was no other way, so everyone just said bye and left. When I finished wiping my tears, I left and found them standing at the entrance waiting for me to comment.

One of them assured me that she wasn't mad and she was happy for me, and she had tears in her eyes. It made me cry even more. Then we had a text conversation, she said: "no worries hon, I suspected you would leave. I know it's not easy being a new mom and juggling everything. It is what it is and I am not mad at you. If this is a decision you had to make then I know you had to, it's not like when the other coworkers left. I truly have grown to love you so you have my full support."

And from another one who absolutely hates change, she said: "I'm not mad at you. Just trying to process this. You know I don't like change and it will be very hard to see you go."

Then the other one, "It is what it is, I'll miss calling someone J-money".

And then outside of the team, someone from the other department said: "heard you're leaving.. that is a brave decision and an awesome one for your family. we'll miss you, was enjoying working with you."

And then another one: "heard you were leaving, sadness __ was RAVING about you. however, I hope it will be good for you and you can spend more time with your little nugget. Once I saw you come back and you talked about your commute, I was hoping you'd leave, only for personal reasons. anyhoo, I'll miss you, you're stellar."

And then someone from the other campus shared with me a secret while bidding me goodbye - "she's due in May. She said, "I feel like I follow you in everything a year after!" which is so funny!

And then another first time mom said, "you making this decision makes me want to rethink my decision and do the same."

Anyone, I'm writing these things down because I do want to remember the good times I had here. We went through so many rough seasons while working here but I did appreciate the people I work here and it's my last week, so I'm cherishing the last moment. I lot of people here have become like family to me and it's just really hard to leave.

On the other hand, I don't know what to do with myself now that I have a little more flexibility, but I actually have a list of things I would like to do.

Uncomfortable

The concept of trusting God is something I always have a hard time doing because I like the idea of security and being comfortable. But time and time again I'm always forced into an uncomfortable situation and having to make choices. God makes it easy for me but I make it so hard for myself. If I just obey and step out in faith, then it wouldn't be that hard. I'm thankful but at the same time it drives me crazy. God loves me enough to bring me in and out of situations.

Today, I finally spoke to my boss about leaving the job, I told him I don't know how much longer I could do this for, especially with a four hour commute. He smiled at me and he just encouraged me. He shared his story about trusting God and encouraged me to be obedient to what God is calling me to do. I just sat there crying the whole time because making new strides and take new steps in life is always so hard. I truly am so grateful to have such an understanding boss. Everything that I've been thinking about over the week, he confirmed it without me even having to say anything. Today, God gave me the courage to step out in faith and make a decision to leave my job in which I'm finally adjusted to and comfortable with. In the next couple of days, I'll make the decision of when my last day will be and here's to the next chapter in life...

6 months

Baby is already six months old today and my how time flies. Today he went to his 6 month check up and he's already 19.5 pounds. He's grown so much and every single moment with him is precious.

This past month, he has:

• Not only grown his bottom two teeth but his top two teeth has rooted.
• He fell off the bed for the first time because he happened to squirm himself over to the other side of the bed while daddy fell asleep.
• He got sick for the second time but still happy
• He hates when we try to wipe his nose.
• He loves jumping in the jumparoo.
• He smiles and laughs so much now.
• He's truly a happy baby.
• He still doesn't sleep through the night.
• He still drinks only about 3-4 ounces per sitting.
• He can stand on his own while holding something.
• He can squirm and try to do an army crawl, but it'll get him where he wants to be.
• He can grab onto things
• He looks at his hands still with so much amazement.
• He can just about sit up straight but still has his moments of tipping over.
• His skin is still very dry so we have to constantly apply lotion.
• He babbles all the time.
• He enjoys watching people play the guitar.
• The pacifier helps him to fall asleep.
• He seems to like the taste of his boogers so he constantly sticks his tongue upward of his lips and sucks on it.
• He always likes being upright, he can't stand laying down or being cradled.
• He takes much appreciation at the cross we have hung up in our room.
• When we are eating dinner, he can't get his eyes off the food.
• He grabs everything off the table.
• The car seat is still not his best friend.
• He sleeps typically at 9:00-9:30PM and wakes up 7:00-7:30AM.
• He still constantly scratches his head when he gets tired.
• He can't stay outdoors for too long, he likes to be at home.
• He can now reach over if he wants someone else to carry him.
• He's getting harder to carry because he's always twisting around trying to explore the environment.
• He puts everything in his mouth.

I thank God for this precious little one every single day.

Fear

This week, I realize I have SO MUCH fear.

I fear confrontation.
I fear letting people down.
I'm such a people please for no reason.

This whole week:
My stomach kept turning.
My heart is anxious.
My head is heavy.
I haven't been sleeping well.

ALL because I want to talk to my boss.
The nicest boss in the world.

I've spent all week delaying and waiting and waiting.
It's causing me so much anxiety and stress.
It's so irrational.
Why do I do this to myself?
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gospel

Sad to say, but it's been a long time I've shared the gospel with a seeker or a nonbeliever. This past month, we had a new youth group member with absolutely no background in the faith and she's been seeking. She likes the Christian environment and was introduced to it by her uncle when she visited Texas. She wanted to find something like that around her home and her friend recently invited her to youth group.

So she's been here for almost a month and I've been guilty of not following up with her and sharing with her the gospel. Really guilty. I think about it all the time but personal issues in my life just led me to be all over the place with my own. As I'm slowly developing a relationship with her, I found out that we live right by each other and she leaves for the bus at 7:20AM. That's only 15 minutes earlier than I normally take the bus. So this morning, I decided to wake up a little earlier and meet her at the bus stop.

Thankfully, I got the opportunity to answer some of her questions, explain to her who we are, share with her the gospel and share with her how to pray. As I was sharing with her, it was pretty refreshing to share the gospel with someone who has no background in it. She was eager to seek, eager to understand and asked for a Bible which I'll be giving her tonight. As a Christian, I have dropped the ball on sharing the gospel with those around me and today encouraged me and gave me hope and reminded me of why I do what I do again. Thankful.

Commuting

Everyday, I get more and more angry thinking about commute. It's close to 2 hours door to door for a one way trip. It's just so pathetic to be commuting four hours everyday. That means I spent ⅓ of my day sitting in a train/bus. That's more time spent on a bus then with my baby. That's more time I could be using elsewhere. It just drives me up the wall.

I don't know why I have so much allegiance to my job. I guess one reason is because I don't really like change. Another reason is because I do enjoy the environment I work in although I am not fond of the nature of my job and what I do. But I do enjoy doing my work and being given the capability of doing it in excellence. And I've only been doing this for the past three months ever since I moved in with my in laws. Prior to - the one hour fifteen minute commute was doable and I didn't get angry every day over it. 

This makes me want to quit my job so bad because I'm so tired of sitting in mass transit so many hours of my day. But then it defeats the purpose of moving into our in laws. But not really because they help so much wth with everything, literally. 

I can't seem myself doing this for much longer. I feel like it's causing a lot of unnecessary tension between me and the rest of the world because of my stress of sitting in mass transportation all day. It's taking a toll on some of my relationships because of the attitude I carry. My outlook becomes increasingly negative. But if I were to switch, I don't want just any job. I don't want to just settle for just anything. I don't care so much about the money, I just care to be fulfilling the purpose and utilizing my passions, gifts and talents in which Christ has given me. Essentially I can be doing that anywhere but I want some place where I don't treat it like a job but enjoy going to work every single day. 

I'm feeling a little desperate and just screaming inside. 

Thank You Note

I walked into the office this morning and dreading another long day at work because we've been working late hours which means that I get home later because train/buses are slower. I open an email and the first email I received was an encouraging note from a student. Subject title was: "Thank you for being a great financial advisor".

"I don't know how many students tell you that you are such a kind and helpful advisor so I wanted to express that to you. From my first semester at Nyack you have been so caring and have guided me through my questions and concerns. God bless you so much for being a light. I definitely see God's love through you. I know you have a lot to deal with and I pray that God gives you abundant strength and resilience. Thank you for helping me yesterday. I was in a rush to pick up my younger sister who was sorta lost in a train station. Praise God everything is ok And I was able to meet up with her. I'm sorry if I wasn't too smiley or kind yesterday. I felt bad that I couldn't even congratulate you on being back and having your baby. Thank you for understanding my situation and being there. God bless you so much Joan and thank you for all that you are and do. I'm sure our Lord sees your effort and will reward you as He sees fit."

 

There are not many rewards or appreciation days with the specific department I work with simply because we deal with peoples money and finances and so it's most students least favorite department to work with. Most days, I deal with students who are typically huffing and puffing and upset about something regarding finances. My job is to make their financial aid process go as smooth as possible and make their experience with the us as staff. It makes me glad that there are the handful of students that appreciate what we do. We don't expect appreciation from our students but when we get a little, it does make our day. 

The Current Story of My Life

First Full Week

Last week, I went through my first full week of work, and the only word I can think of is: it sucked. Leaving the house in the morning only in time to see the baby for two minutes and then coming home to basically watch the baby go back to sleep was pretty dreadful. I got to play with him at most for two hours or possibly even less because I had to eat dinner and I eat slow. Not only that, I felt so exhausted. I also had so much planning to do for the summer youth group retreat that was coming up in a little over a week and I felt so stressed out because I had absolutely no time in between to plan. At work, I had so much work to catch up with. And at home, I wanted to spend every waking moment with baby since I wasn't with him all day. I felt so mentally drained and exhausted. At the end of the week, the other was talking to me about something to try to encourage me regarding ministry related stuff and how to grow it but I ended up breaking down and crying because I was just so tired and couldn't imagine adding more things onto my already busy schedule.

Towards the end of last week, my thoughts kept leaning towards being a stay at home mom and not working because working was taking up all of my time. When I speak to some people, they say to drop ministry, but I actually don't mind continuing ministry and would much rather prefer that. The benefits of working here right now though is that I do have medical insurance and the income we get still is helpful towards our expenses. I still do love where I am at in terms of having a great boss and such but if I were to even entertain the idea of working part time, that would be no use because I would not be receiving benefits here and then might as well find a closer place to work from home.

Right now is my second week and I feel a little bit better and sucking it up, not feeling as down as last week. I guess it's an adjustment but I'm not super human and can't adjust to doing all of this.

Going Back Full Time

It's a very bitter sweet feeling. For now, it feels a little bitter. I'll be officially going back to work full time this Friday (aside from the fact that I just emailed my boss and asked for a couple days off in the middle of August although I felt extremely bad doing so because it's going to be a crazy month and we're really not allowed to ask for time off.) The past three months have been pretty nice not having to trek it all the way to manhattan every single day, spending most of my time on NYC subways and buses. It's been nice that I could stay home everyday and do things on my own time aside from the fact that its really on baby's time. It's been nice that I've been able to spend time with the other and just see what he does on a daily basis and how he goes about life. It's been nice that both the other and me have been able to spend time with the baby together and also do ministry together. It's been nice that I haven't had to stare at the computer screen for hours at a time calculating numbers and being nice to students. It's been nice that if we have to go somewhere, we were able to just go without being bound to a 10-6 schedule. It's been nice to spend most of my waking hours with baby during his first couple of months of life.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my job in the sense that I'm part of a bigger vision and purpose. I really do love my organization's jobs and values, I love what they aim to do and I do want to be part of their mission. That's what attracted me to study there in the first place. I don't necessarily love what I do, but I do enjoy learning from my boss and the way he leads his team. I love that my coworkers are able to get along so well and we really do make a great team. I have my own desk (which is something I don't have at home -- I just do my work on the bed, the couch, wherever there is to sit). And I am able to complete my work on my own time without other people hovering over me. I feel trusted at work and I am competent at what I do. I've only been there for two years and being employee of the year this year, I'd feel horrible just to leave right away.

I haven't officially experienced what it feels to be a mother who works full time. I mean, I work at church but I'm still able to bring baby around whenever I want to and no one would care. (Speaking of which, we haven't been bringing him around on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and although we miss him to death, we are a lot more productive in the office when he's not around). I know there are pros and cons to both sides of it, either being a working mom or a SAHM, but I don't know why, possibly because I've been busy just about my entire life, for once, I just want to be be at home and be there with my family. Others have said to consider finding a closer job, quitting, etc, but for some reason I'm not 100% ready to leave.

On a side note, I moved back in with my in-laws close to three weeks ago. The pros outweighed the cons so I did it. Overall, I'm grateful for the extra pairs of hands to help.

3 months

The last time I posted was when he was three weeks, now he's three months. Time flies and still haven't been able to fully adjust to real life. Baby boy is growing up quickly. From then till now: 

- He's able to acknowledge that he has hands now.

- He does tummy time and raise his head high without a problem.

- He is a morning person it seems and he loves to smile and interact during that time. 

- He has already moved once in his life - he's adjusting pretty well with the in laws. 

- He still scratches his face and rubs it a lot :(

- I've experienced explosive poop, it's not pretty. 

- He has traveled to California.

- He was able to follow toys during the time daddy was in New Mexico. 

- He has experienced separation anxiety when daddy was in New Mexico. 

- Grateful to God that even when other and I got sick, he didn't get sick at all. 

- He has been sleeping throughout the night but still wakes up about three times for feedings.

Everyone says their baby is the cutest and I must say mine is also. I have a such a hard time seeing myself go back to work full time in another week. Not looking forward to it at all. Sucks to have to leave him for a full day but I have appreciated every moment with him for his first three months of life. 

I just lost my appetite.

I have to keep this for memory sake. I was eating my breakfast that MIL made and towards the end, I notice something that did but didn't quite look like a cucumber. I saw a black head and that's not what I normally see on cucumbers. I looked a little closer and it seems to look like a little caterpillar to me. MIL mentioned she picked leaves from the garden....

Just lost my appetite. The other started laughing at me because things like this always happen to me lol.

3 Weeks Postpartum

Baby is 3 weeks and four days today. Time flies and he's almost a month old. Time flies. He's been fussing a lot more in the middle might, eats a lot more at night and sleeps a lot less. Hopefully in a month or two we can start sleep training him so that we don't constantly have to stay up all night. 

3 weeks postpartum was pretty hard. I think my body gave in after all the events I've been attending - specifically hooding, graduation and the staff luncheon. I'm still really glad I went but I know the toll it took on my body and my body definitely did not respond well. For a couple days I had muscle tension headaches, neck pains and it wouldn't go away and it was so difficult to hold the baby. Then my boobs were hurting and I was frustrated that I still couldn't get the hang of all this in three weeks time. I was pumping and why was I still feeling hard spots? While everyone was complaining how hot t was or how perfect whether it was, I would be in bed feeling cold, feeling chills and the. After a nap I would wake up drenched in sweat only to do it all over again. For two days, I was basically in bed all day besides pumping time which was every 3-4 hours. Sleeping a lot help and I was very grateful for the other and his parents and my brother to help assist when I needed the most. Slowly, I felt like regular body temperature although I still sweat in my sleep, my neck pain was slowly going away thanks to massage from the other and brother, and I thought the sharp shooting pains in my head would never go away but after sleeping two days, it did. 

I must say postpartum is pretty hard. Everyone told me how hard pregnancy was and labor and delivery but I didn't expect all the women changes/hormones/emotions and pains  that women have to go through postpartum in addition to taking care of the baby. It's so hard. I have such a long way to go, still figuring out how to adjust to... Life. Baby is growing heavier right before my eyes, can't imagine how this next week will be. 

2 Weeks Old

Time feels so short but it also flies by so quickly. He's only two weeks old and thus far, we've brought him to church, the hooding ceremony, commencement, and doctors appointment. People call us crazy for bringing the baby out, and in a sense, I do feel pretty crazy that I'm bringing him out within the month because I'm not even fully healed yet and going out just means more boob pain for me because I don't have a constant place to pump and more attention to others and less sleep for me. Tonight, I started feeling a migraine and I just felt so exhausted. Definitely need to figure out how to practice self-care. I also feel mommy brain kicking in because the other asked me to do a couple things and follow up with some people from church about some things, and it totally flew over my head. I felt so bad because he's taking up a lot of my slack but I'm stressing him out because all eyes are basically on him. I hope to be able to adjust to working from home and honoring my job as a staff at church as well. I'm not sure how people do it but I haven't adjusted yet.

Everyday I look at the baby and he looks different everyday. He has different facial expressions, his sleep faces are different, his awake faces are different, it's pretty amusing and entertaining. During the second week, the other and I got the hang of changing his diapers on our own, where as the first week we needed two people to clean him up. Baby has had an extremely big appetite and so it seems to catch up with pumping milk for him so we have been supplementing with formula when necessary. Many times, he drinks so fast that he starts choking on the milk and other times he regurgitates it back out all over the other.

In his two week check up, his weight was 9.9 pounds, height: 22 inches and head size 38. The ped says he was above average and we didn't need to go back to her until the second month check up since everything was progressing accordingly. Baby definitely feels heavier.

He's starting to fuss and whine a lot and the other and I are sort of kind of catching on on the different types of cries he has. He seems to enjoy car rides but bringing him out is the biggest hassle in the world because we have to basically bring a luggage with us every where we go. Can't believe I'm a mommy of two weeks.

Seems like most of my posts are going to be about him from now on, my whole life changed because of baby. Lol.

1 Week Old

Baby is already one week old. Time flies and it feels like he's been alive for a month, or thats what these days been feeling like. Now I understand what it means to lack sleep and be on call 24/7 with feeding and changing diapers. The other and I can't get enough of the baby though, the other can't help but to start bringing him out to places already even though most Asians would frown upon that since mother and child should be home for at least a month without must contact with the outside world.

LOOKS:

So far, most people say baby looks like the other but has dimples like me. Since his eyes still can't focus, he's always in this dazed look. He often grills at people, like he's a little gangster, lol, but it's still really cute to us. He smiles mostly after ever feeding and it's so cute.

FEEDING:
This has been pretty frustrating for me. Initially i wanted to solely breastfeed but it seems like that option is not going the way I want because it seems that baby has a much bigger appetite around 9PM and he fusses a lot when I try to feed him. So the other kept mentioning let's just feed him formula because we had it on hand. It became to the point I hated hearing the word formula and it's been only one week. I read a bunch of articles and forums and opinions about different people's views on feeding. It seems that my best option currently is, since I'm going back to work soon, is to pump most of the time and feed when he wants it.

FIRST DOCTORS APPOINTMENT:

First doctor's appointment was good. Initially the other wasn't a big fan of the pediatrician, not sure why, probably because she's Chinese and probably because the location was in a very ghetto Chinese looking place. But we went and I asked him if it was okay to see this pediatrician a little longer for us to determine if we really like her or not before we switch. I don't mind her, it seems that she's pretty thorough but maybe there are better ones out there. The first doctor's appointment, the baby was exactly 8 lbs, he was at 21 inches, and he seemed to be above average for most things.

I've felt a ton of emotions since this baby was born:
- Frustration - especially in regards to aspects of feeding.

- Sadness/Helpless - when the baby got circumsized and crying in so much pain. I didn't know what else to do so I started crying also. That was the first time we fed him a bottle of formula.
- Tired - Mentally and physically, I feel exhausted and I've been going at most possibly 3 hours of straight sleep, but most of the time less. It seems that after feeding him, and feeding myself and then cleaning a little, there's not enough time to sleep more and the pattern goes on again. I honestly don't know how people work and take care of a new born at the same time, but I guess I'll experience that much sooner than later.
- Joy - It does bring me joy when I see this baby and when he's calm. The other brought him out for most of the day today so I could rest a little but it felt weird, I missed him.

- Responsibility - it's not an emotion, but I definitely feel a different sense of responsibility because there is a life in my hands. I thank God for the other who has been extremely supportive and attached to the baby, I can't imagine how people do it by themselves. Even things like changing diapers is something I would've never thought to be doing, and thankfully, I haven't thrown up from changing a diaper, haha! 

BIRTH STORY: 

We were told the due date was 4/13, so I planned everything around that date. I ended all my internship clients, I decided not to go to work starting that week hoping that the baby would come out by that date. Everyone was hyping me up by saying how "low" my belly was and the baby was going to come soon. Me, being the not informed person I was, was so excited the baby might actually come on time because everyone was saying so. Bad idea. Since I started maternity leave already, I decided to clean the house, take a walk around the park everyday since the weather was beautiful that week and everything was great, besides one thing: the baby was not born.... I could've finished my internship during those 10 day delay and also be at work. But at the same time, I was glad and grateful for the much needed rest and time to clean, because there was never a time where I had any day to do that.

So, since I've been on maternity leave, I've been walking around the park every day for at least a mile and a half, if not more. I felt no signs of labor, no contractions, no nothing, My cervix was not opened at every weekly check up and I didn't know what to expect. All I was dependent on was prayers to God hoping that the baby would come out soon in God's perfect timing.

On Monday, 4/20, we were scheduled for induction but we called in and cancelled because both of us decided that if the baby wanted to bake a little longer, we were going to let him sit in my belly a little longer.

On Tuesday 4/21, we went to the OB and they monitored the heart rate. The OB said the heart rate was relatively high so they sent me to the hospital immediately to monitor the baby's heart rate there. I went to the OB at 7PM that, went to the hospital around 9PMish, and was monitored until like 11. The resident there did an internal on me and so did the OB at the office and said I was one centimeter and 50% effaced. I guess there was progress there. The heart beat ended up being normal, praise God. Then when I went to the bathroom and got dressed, I saw blood in the toilet and the doctor did say that while he was monitoring, I was having some contractions, although I didn't feel it much.

When I got home, I think it was psychosomatic or something because I started feeling some minor menstrual cramps, but nothing that was painful or bothersome. The night I still had blood and told my doctor and he said it was because I had two internals and there was nothing to worry about.

On Wednesday, 4/22, I went out for a walk in the morning, it was pretty cloudy that day compared to the rest of the days, I went to buy an all-purpose cleaner and walked about a mile and a half before it started to rain hard. I got home just in time before the rain started. I read some "Experiencing God" as that was my leisure read since the start of my maternity leave, enjoyed whatever sun there was. I set out to clean the house more that day, which I did. At night, the other told me to go to the gym with him, and I didn't really want to but I did anyway and decided to walk out this baby. Since I couldn't use the guest past anymore, I even signed up for a gym membership for the first time in my life. Too bad I only used it one time and now I won't even be going for a while, what a waste lol. But at the gym, I walked on the treadmill, walked up the stair master, cycled, did whatever I could as much as I could. When I went to sleep at night, I still felt minor period cramps, it started happening more frequently but it didn't hurt, I was able to sleep the whole night and get a full nights rest.

Oh, in all these different days, I finally was able to get a bunch of errands done. After two years, I finally changed my name officially with the social security administration, with the dmv, and bank account. That was something I would've never made time to do, so I'm glad I was able to do all of that.

On Thursday, 4/23, I went with the other to the day-laborer outreach with another church member. In the morning, I started feeling minor menstrual pain and it was happening in consistent patterns, about ten-fifteen minute cycles. I was still able to sit and walk through them, they were just minor period cramps, nothing I never experienced before. We went to eat pizza right after and did some errands and went grocery shopping for small group at BJs for that night. At night time, the other made steak and mash potatoes for the small group and at night time he insisted on watching a movie with them. It was around 9PMish and I was getting tired and feeling those cramps every ten minutes. I figured, the baby can come any day now so I might as well try to sleep to get some rest just in case. While they were watching the movie, I went to bed but this time, I couldn't fall asleep. The cramps that kept occurring every ten minutes were getting a little more intense and I tried as much as I could to sleep through it. I kept having this urge to go number two and so I got up about 5 times to attempt to use the restroom but nothing came out. It was about 12AM and it was time to send the guys home so I went with the other to send them home and I told him that I was started to feel more pain and it was getting really uncomfortable. He didn't think much of it because we've basically had no progress so we were expecting the worst -- be induced the upcoming Sunday. He was like: "I hope we don't have to go to the hospital tonight, I'm so tired." So I sucked it up because I didn't want to go to the hospital in the middle of the night while I was tired either. Around 1AM, I was sitting on the couch trying to sleep because lying down wasn't working and I really couldn't sleep. I woke the other up and told him I was feeling very uncomfortable and I think I wanted to call the doctor. When I called the doctor, he said, "Are you having contractions?" I responded with, "I don't know, I think so, but they are happening every five minutes or so." He said: "Well, we wouldn't know unless you come in the hospital would we? Come in tonight." So I told the other, and we dragged our feet out of the house, packed a bunch of things just in case we were going to stay at the hospital that night.

We went through admitting and although we did paperwork a couple of days before, they made us complete more paperwork, not sure why. We around to the hospital something like around 2 or 2:30, I already lost track of time by then. Then they wheelchaired me to the triage in which my OB did an internal on me and said that I was five centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. The other and I were pretty shocked because we've been at 0-1 centimeters all these weeks and five seemed like a lot. My cramps were becoming increasingly uncomfortable and though I felt like I was sort of able to handle it, I didn't know how much more pain I would have to go through. So when the doctor asked if I wanted to get the epidural, I looked at the other and he's like just get it, why put yourself through so much pain. In the back of my mind, I was worried how long I was going to stay in the hospital for and how long I would be in labor for. So I looked at him and said fine, I want the epidural. They finally wheel chaired me to the delivery room, and I'm pretty sure it took about an hour or so. My pains were happening more often, about every two minutes and I was really feeling it in my back, something I hadn't felt all pregnancy long. By the time the doctor came in and checked me, he asked if I had an epidural already, and I said no, they hadn't came yet. He says, well, are you sure you still want one? Because you're already 9 centimeters and you can start to push any moment now. If you get the epidural now, you won't feel anything while pushing. He was actually dissuading me from getting the epidural, which I was a little shocked about. But since he was, I said, you know what, I wanted all natural anyway and I won't get the epidural then, there's no point. We waited for about another 30-6o minutes or so, and then the doctor told me to do some practice pushes, pretend as if I was going to use the bathroom and take a huge number two. I kept practicing and it took about 30-40 minutes of pushing. The other was supportive the entire time although he was way exhausted. He held my legs and commented on the whole process to make sure I was in the loop. Shockingly, I didn't scream or anything, my mind was just focused on pooping so I could get that baby out in between contractions. At 4:56AM, the baby's head, as the other said, came out like it was a 'Jack in the Box". I don't remember the head coming out of me because I was so busy pushing, but it was definitely a surreal moment.

He's a little over two weeks old now and I have not had the time to update, but the above was the gist of everything. 

41 Weeks + 4 Days

It's exactly ten days past my due date. After my check up this past Tuesday, I had two internal testings, one at the OB and one at the hospital. I had to go to the hospital for more monitoring because the OB said that the baby's heart rate was going a little faster than normal. At the hospital, everything ended up fine. They said I was having contractions also but I wasn't really feeling anything. 

That night, not sure if it was psychosomatic or something but I started feeling very minor me trial cramping and there was some bleeding. 

Today I am 41 weeks and 4 days and starting last night I started feeling more heavy menstrual cramps. Not sure if they are contractions or not but I've been trying to time them anyway and there is some sort of pattern. Hopefully the baby will come out sometime this weekend before the set induction date. 

This is the first sign of any pain I've felt all pregnancy, and it makes me feel that maybe the baby will be ready to come out soon. But, I also walked about 4 miles yesterday too, not sure, that was probably a contributing factor, lol. Baby Ezra, come out soon. 

7 Days Overdue

I think the most stressful thing thus far in this whole pregnancy experience is the days after the expected due date. Feelings of anticipation and being antsy as I wait for the baby to be due anytime but at the same time, grateful for the extra time that I've been able to clean and rest.

One major thing that added to my stress, although I am beyond grateful for everyones care and regard, is the unending questions of if the baby is out yet. Not really that, but the follow up questions as well. For the first couple of days, it was fine, I was grateful for people reaching out to make sure baby and me are okay, but then afterwards, because I have the same answer everyday, it just gets tiring and it causes me a lot of stress actually. In addition, I'm hearing opinions left and right of what I should do and how I should go about my decisions.

What topped it off I guess is because I go to a pretty active church and everyone knew that I was supposed to be due this past Monday. So when people saw me at church yesterday, the first statement would be "you're still here?!" and other comments following. Although none of the comments are negative, it just takes a toll on me mentally. It causes me stress because I want the baby to come out too and since the baby is living inside me, every waking moment I keep thinking about when this baby is going to come out. A couple of text messages here and there initially were no big deal, but now when the entire church and every single human that passes by you is asking questions, it's just exhausting responding with the same dreadful answer.

This morning, a few close friends texted me... "contractions yet?" "the baby out yet?" "what are you going to do now?" "getting induced?". I started answering with one word answers because it's been a week and I think mentally I'm becoming drained and weary also. I ended up texting them and saying, "sorry I'm not in the mood to talk about baby popping anymore, it just causes me more stress". When I texted them that, it made me want to cry because it does cause me more stress but I don't want to stress out the baby due to my ridiculous emotions. I felt a little mean because I sort of sounded cold towards them, but I'm mentally at the point where I think I want to silence my phone and reach out to everyone when the baby is ready to come out.

Initially the induction was going to be set for tonight at 2AM. We ended up calling in and saying that we want to wait a couple of more days. We'll go for another check up tomorrow just to make sure the baby is okay.

This is definitely quite an experience.

Four Days And Counting

The baby is still not here yet and on one hand I'm grateful that I've got all the time in the world to rest the past couple of days, but on the other hand, I'm just waiting in anticipation, using up my vacation days, could've finished my internship this week and everything! So I have a mix of feelings. 

Currently at the doctor and he says by Monday, he would either recommend inducing or if I really want to I could wait two weeks. I'm really hoping that God would allow the baby to come out sooner! Lol. 

Initially I was nervous of all the pain and everything because I don't know what to expect. At this point, I think I'll be so excited and grateful that my body is making progress to get this baby out that pain is no longer a nerve wrecking factor for now, I'll be grateful to feel some pain to  get this baby moving out into the world! 

This week, though, I'm grateful because I was able to clean a lot, and sleep a lot, and do a lot of nothing. It was some much needed rest but still, this anticipation is still making me feel restless! Baby, when are ya gonna come out! 

Ezra

So we decided to name our baby, Ezra.

Meaning of name: help/helper.

The other and I have been having a hard time thinking of a name for the baby and for months, we came with just about nothing. There was a time early in the pregnancy where he mentioned Samuel and when I kept thinking about it, I didn't mind settling with it. He had also mentioned name him, David, but since I call my other that, I said I don't feel comfortable calling two people David. But when we both suddenly landed on Ezra and read about him in the Bible, we felt that this would be the perfect fit for our baby and who we are as parents.

When we told my brother about this name, he got so excited and he said that he didn't like the name "Samuel", it was too Asian. I asked him if he knew who Ezra was in the Bible, and immediately he described exactly who Ezra was. And he said, that's a perfect name and it fits you guys perfectly!

Key Scripture that speak about Ezra:

• Ezra 7:6 -- "...He was a scribe skilled in the Law of Moses that the Lord, the God of Israel, had given, and the king granted him all that he asked, for the hand of the Lord his God was on him."
• Ezra 7:10 -- "For Ezra had set his heart to study the Law of the Lord, and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel."

In the Bible, Ezra was a direct descendant of Aaron the chief priest. His zeal for God and God's law spurred Ezra to lead a group of Jews back to Israel during King Artaxerxe's reign over the Persian empire. The book of Ezra provides an account of the Jews' regathering, of their struggle to survive and to rebuild what had been destroyed. Through Ezra's narrative, he declared that they were still God's people and that God had not forgotten them. The book of Ezra talks about the rebuilding of the new temple, the unification of the returning tribes as they shared common struggles and were challenged to work together. Later, after the original remnant had stopped work on the city walls and spiritual apathy ruled, Ezra arrived with another two thousand people and sparked a spiritual revival. By the end of the book, Israel had renewed its covenant with God and had begun acting in obedience to Him. Ezra's leadership proved crucial to the Jews' spiritual advancement. The overall purpose of the book of Ezra was: God keeps His promises and when God's people remained faithful to Him, He would continue to bless them.

We pray that the hand of the Lord would be on our baby, and that he would be a lover of God's word and and use it to start revival in his generation.

No Baby Yet

April 13th was supposed to be the due date. Today is April 14th. I've already started my maternity leave from work since last Friday because I was just tired of working and was in need of a mental break from work, school and internship. Initially I was afraid that the baby was going to come early because everyone said how "low" I was already. Now the baby is late. I'm not disappointed because I'm taking advantage of all the rest I can get but it definitely feels weird not to have a set agenda the past two days. I've been waking up and just laying in bed for an additional hour just because I could.

One feeling I keep getting is this anticipation feeling. I'm not sure if I feel scared or whatever, but since it was predicted that the baby was due yesterday, now I'm just in anticipation of when this baby is going to arrive. I almost feel like God's teaching me a lesson because I've been half joking around and saying that I hope God abides by my will of the baby coming on time because I only have a certain amount of vacation days I can use and I want to go to graduation and hooding and etc. And if the baby comes too late, it'll be hard to navigate around what I had originally planned for. But, I know that God's ways are better than my ways and so whenever he wants this baby to pop, then I'll be ready for it. His plans are better than my plans and he knows what's best for me. So until then, I'll wait in anticipation and surrender.

Am I ready to be a mother? Probably not yet lol. I have no clue what to feel, what to expect, I don't even know how we're going to take care of this baby when bringing him home from the hospital, but we'll figure it out as we go, that's the fun part isn't it?

From the beginning of this year until now, it's definitely been a trying season. There has been no ounce of breathing space from the moment I wake up to the moment I get home. There's always something to do, something to plan, something to catch up with. One thing that I've been placing in the back burner is spending time and be in relationship with Christ. I'm hoping in the next couple of days before the baby pops, I can just find rest in Him again, however that looks like. It's been hard to push myself to read his word, to pray, to do anything actually. I've been almost mentally checked out of everything. Every morning, I pray the Lord's prayer and that's the most I seem to be able to mutter to get through the day. I'm still thankful to Christ every single day, but I just feel pretty empty lately, perhaps burnout. Undoubtedly, I still have seen God work powerfully in all different aspects of my life, I thank God for his faithfulness even in my faithlessness.

A very constant thought in my head recently has been: "My life is not my own" and even for this baby, his life is not his own. I'm here on earth not for myself and that puts me in my place and gives me perspective of all the things that are going on in my life. It puts me at ease and makes me not worry so much about the things that would typically worry me. Even with taking care of this baby, this baby is not mine, he's God's. He gave this baby to me and in that aspect, he'll provide in the way he deems fit. I'm here so God can use me, I belong to him.

Oh yeah, we finally decided on the baby name, but I'll blog about that another day.

8 Days Away

I'm going to be a mommy in 8 days. Still a little hard to imagine. Feelings of anticipation, unknowing what to expect, sort of nervous yet can't wait at the same time. There's a lot of feelings going on there. This is the final week that I'll be going about my day on my own. It's a new chapter, a new season, I'll no longer be just Joan, or Joan and the other, but we're going to have a family. How insane. Part of my is trying to take care of as many things as I could before this baby pops but the other part of me is squeezing whatever time I can get to find rest in mental preparation for the sleepless nights ahead of me. I have just about 20 hours of internship face to face hours left and I'm probably just going to finish off a couple more this coming week. I have one more official homework assignment for my graduate career and after this...life's about to change big time.

I was preparing on how to lead the New Mexico mission team for this summer and I can't even go because the baby will be not even two months by then. I feel a little crazy but I have the urge, if I'm physically okay and if baby is physically okay, I would love to jump on the plane with the rest of the mission team last minute and be part of the mission trip. In my mind, I think it's going to be easy but I know it's going to be nothing like that. And if I weren't able to go on the mission trip, then I would go to Challenge 2015.

Even for hooding and commencement, I'm determined to bring the baby out but most people would say it's not wise because the baby has nearly reached a month old (if I happen to pop according to the due date).

Sometimes I feel like I'm invincible and can do anything. Haha.

Baby

It's a little insane that the little boy that's been growing inside me the past nine months is going to come out in possibly two weeks or more or less. It's still hard to imagine myself as a mother but I guess those instincts will kick in when the baby is born. I'm still unsure of what to anticipate in terms going into labor because thus far, the pregnancy has been pretty smooth. I'm a little nervous but mentally preparing myself for all the changes that will happen in the next two weeks. I have only a couple of days of internship left before the baby pops and it literally feels like the last stretch. My mind is half there and half not there but I know I have to push myself to complete whatever I can to not have so many hours roll over for the summer.

It's been a pretty tough semester in terms of all the things I needed to handle, but I'm grateful for having such a great and supportive environment around me, they make things better. The other has been especially great, he's been treating me like a handicap, lol, and doing everything to make my life as least stressful as possible which I really appreciate. 

I feel pretty mentally checked out of life if that makes any sense at all. I'm currently just going through the motions and taking each day one step at a time. These two weeks I'm probably going to go through a bunch of feelings, anticipating the baby's birth. Still have so much to clean and sort but I have been prioritizing resting a little more since I'm mentally preparing that I won't be sleeping for a while after this. 

What I will miss about pregnancy is all the baby's different movements as each week passes by. It just amazes me that the way that humans are formed is such a miracle. 

--

Side note: Since it was April Fools day, what I wanted to do so bad was prank the other and pretend I was going into labor at work. I ended up not doing it because it felt mean and it would've just been a bad joke that would've ruined his day and then mine. When I went home, I told him I wanted to and he said, "you're smart that you didn't". Lol. Then he goes, "it would've been more believable if your boss called on behalf of you". And then he would've rushed to school, ran down to our office and the find all of us just on our computer minding our own business. He said he would've been so upset. Lol.

Graduation

 I already accepted the fact that I wouldn't be attending commencement because I haven't completed my hours, but I received an email earlier today from the director of the program that said this: 

"Joan:

 

  I just received a response from Registrar.  A new policy is being instituted for this year in regards to Commencement.  

 

Nyack is going to allow students who will be completing 6 or less credits during the summer to walk at commencement.   The degrees will be issued at the end of the summer semester (August)

 

You will be allowed to walk at Commencement with the understanding that you will have your hours completed by end of Summer semester (if not sooner)."

Seems like everything I had asked, requested, whatever all fell into place this year in the midst of pregnancy and all. Thank God for his favor. Now I'm hoping that physically, baby and me will be okay to attend these events, I can't wait. 

Counseling

There are sometimes I dread counseling clients because it feels like therapy is going no where but there are other times where counseling is so worth it and I feel so privileged to be part of the growth and transformation process. There are only a handful of clients in which I feel that with and it makes this internship and possibly any future counseling job God places me in, worth it.

Everyday I count down the hours of how many clients I have left to see before I give birth and I can't wait until this internship ends. I think about how tired I am every morning just to squeeze in a client before work and how exhausting it is to have to squeeze in clients after work hours just so that these hours can be accomplished. I think like this, well, because I want to graduate, I don't want to do this any longer where I'm splitting myself in five thousand different places and I'm just ready for the next season. Then there are many times where I am sitting in these early morning or late night counseling sessions and I think to myself, wow such a blessing, that God chose me to see these particular people. I am so privileged to have such sensitive and personal information shared with me that probably nobody will ever get to hear and I definitely don't take it lightly during the sessions. I get to share in a persons struggles from an unbiased view point and be able to ask the right guiding questions so that these people can live a healthier life. What a privilege and what a blessing to be part of their story. They get to reflect on what was discussed during the session and there is some sort of impact made in their life that they would freely want to come back again for another session.

I'm coming to an end in my graduate school career and was the experience worthwhile? Absolutely. But still, I am unsure if this is something I see myself doing for the rest of my life.

As of today, I have 32 face to face time hours left. That's not much but that's not enough for me to graduate in time yet. Part of me does blame it on those three snows days we've had because this could've all came to an end by now.

Great news, I passed the comps, the director of the program said I am able to attend the hooding ceremony and I'm still waiting approval to walk for commencement. Not only that, what I've requested for maternity leave has basically been approved and I'll be going on maternity leave the day I give birth and am only required to go into the office once a week but the other days I can work from home. I'll be paid hourly depending on how many hours I decide to work and initially I thought that it wasn't going to be a good thing but it's actually a great thing because if I decide I don't want to work one day, I won't have to, but I just won't get paid for it which is not a big deal at all. So all of this works out for my good and I'm so thankful to God for working it out this way. Today, my boss just surprised me with some news that I was not expecting... he said something about nominating me as "employee of the year" or something of that nature but didn't go into detail. There are many times I feel like I just don't deserve the favor that God gives but I'm definitely very grateful and appreciative for it.

Comps

I had a bad start to my morning. I didn't sleep well, possibly because I thought I was not going to wake up in time to get to school early for the comps, and the belly has made it increasingly uncomfortable to sleep and roll around. When I woke up in the morning, I did my usual routine, made my peanut butter jelly sandwich and smoothie and then walked out. As I was walking to the bus stop, I happened to slip on black ice and landed on my back/head as I saw two-three buses pass me. I was in so much shock, I got up right away and went right back home. I walked up the staircase and started crying and asked David to drive me to the subway. My head hurt.

Then, I got on the train and it just so happened because of weather related issues, the train was delayed. When I texted other people who lived around the area if they were facing the same issues, they mentioned either catching the train two hours ahead of the normal scheduled time or taking the express bus. So there I was, head hurt, tired of studying, carrying a bunch of studying material on me, and the train delayed. Just my luck. I texted my coworker and told her I was going to be late, unfortunately. By the time I arrived on the green line, my coworker said everyone was there already and they were just waiting on me.

By the time I came out of the elevator, there were a line of people clapping for me because I was the last one to arrive. I was about to cry again because it was so embarrassing that I was the last one to arrive. Anyway, the test started, I was tired, wasn't confident in all the questions, but finished up in about 3 hours and went about the rest of my day. That was the day of the comps.

One Day at a Time

Up to date, I have 90 hours of internship left, 60 of which have to be face to face time hours. I have a deadline of about 5 weeks before terminating with the clients. It's very likely I may not be able to complete internship to graduate in May, but going to push it through until I can't anymore. Step by step, one day at a time.

Comps  are in less than 8 days. I don't feel nervous but I don't feel prepared at all. There's so much more to study and it seems almost impossible to remember all these theorists names, theories, concepts, terms but step by step, one day a time.

44 more days until baby's due. Baby's moving and kicking a lot more now. Sleeping has been increasingly more uncomfortable. Sitting too long makes my legs feel like they are losing circulation. Sort of frustrating.

The other started cooking for me again the past couple of weeks and when he can, he'll try to scoop me up from wherever I'm at. I do appreciate being able to eat healthy again without having to spend on deli foods that I do not feel are worth it.

Ministry related duties have been put a little bit on the back burner and the other has been picking up a lot of my slack. I'm still doing all the administrative portions of it and at least once a week I try to text some folks to ask how they are doing. Every week, I have a goal in my mind of reaching out to a bunch of people just to follow up with them but every week, by the time I blink, it's already Friday, the end of the week and I wonder where the whole week went. God has grace on me in this regard.

Lent - Day 4

What have you learned about God and yourself in these first days of lent?

I learned that God has his priorities straight and I don't. He knew what he was called here to do and I'm more or less a mess.

What areas of fear or pride are hindering you from fully committing to this journey?

I have fear of not being able to pass my comp exam that's in less than three weeks and I'm afraid that the time I'm using on God-ward things will take up my study time.

How would you articulate your need for God and your longing to know his presence and power more authentically than you do?

I will give my fear over to God and make sure to spend time developing and cultivating my relationship with Christ. I'm giving over my fear to him knowing that he has the whole world in his hands and without him, I would not be able to study in the first place. I will commit to keeping Him first and depending on him for all things, especially studying, finishing this internship, doing well at work, completing school work on time, serving in the ministry and just balancing social/personal life matters.

The Conditions We Live In

So the other texted me today saying that he got a flat tire and he changed it to a spare. This was our conversation:

Me: So you have two spares on the car now?
Him: Yup. It looks like a clown car.
Me: Love it. Clown car lives in garbage city.
Him: With cat poop everywhere.
Me: LOL.
Him: No doorbell.
Me: (At this point, I'm dying and cracking up in my little cubicle)
Him: Address written with marker.
Me: And one too many garbage cans.
Him: Only the living room is livable space.
Him: Drain doesn't work.
Him: Crazy lady in attic.
Him: Lights always go out.
Me: If people hear this, they will think we are crazy.
Him: House is crooked
Me: Windows fall down on their own.

Anyway, this made me laugh because I actually thought we were living pretty well until we listed all the ridiculous things we face because of the place we are living in. If our living conditions got better in the future, we can definitely laugh at this even harder years from now.

I'm very grateful that despite all these little dysfunctional things, I thank God for heat that works very well and hot water.

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

"We cannot be spiritually mature if we are not emotionally healthy."

Walter Marr

I went to some church event to support Tito Virgils Christmas musical he was helping the church with. I was very blessed by this man: Walter Marr on his representation of sharing the christmas story. 

http://waltmarr.com/

University of Luzon

In the Philippines this year, when we visited University of Luzon, they said "Thank you for your cawit." Just wanted to remember what it was:

C - commitment

A - availability

W - willingness

I - interest

T - time, talents and treasures 

Engage and Embrace

I want to engage in all my strengths and embrace all my passions. 

Last Stretch.

59 days left until I officially become a mother, craziness.

One thing that has been fascinating through this whole process thus far is that there is actually a live human being growing inside my body. I can feel him moving and growing bigger as each week passes. I've been noticing that I've been walking funnier each week as well.

Although I wish I could've had more time to relax and just appreciate this time of pregnancy, I feel like I've put the thought of being a mother (but just mentally preparing myself) on the back burner and trying to accomplish whatever that needs to be accomplished as soon as possible for this baby comes out.

I realize that I'm a little crazy for trying to kill myself to try to graduate and complete as many internship hours as I could in such a short period of time, and I acknowledge that it's nearly impossible for me to graduate in May because I still have so many face to face hours left, but I'm going to still shoot for it and overwork myself until the day I pop. I honestly just don't want to think about the idea of school and studying and meeting demanding deadlines anymore after this baby comes out. If I have to, I'll try to graduate in August, but one step at a time and I'll worry about that until I get there.

There are lots of people close to me that are going through some major life transitions as well and I feel sad that I am unable to be there for them and spend a little more time with them as they move onto the next season of life. One of my mommy friends is moving to Panama in less than 10 days and I have yet to stop by her place to visit her, say hi to her, bid her farewell. She's actually giving me a handful of baby hand-me-downs and it sucks that I'm not able to just spend more time with her and just appreciate her for her.

Although other people may think that's inconsiderate of me, I can only do so much and unfortunately this season hasn't been the easiest one in terms of maneuvering around my time and energy. By the time I get home every day, I'm mentally and physically drained, not even being able to give any energy or attention to the significant other.

I decided to draw out a map for myself to remind myself in the future when I look back at this to see what I often put myself through.

 

This is roughly what my daily schedule looks like. In the future, if I ever look for another job, I'm going to remind myself never to find a job that's too far away from home. I'm tired of commuting at least 1.5 hours everyday just to get to my destination. Although I can make use of my time by sleeping, praying, reading the Bible, reading a book, or studying, it's not the ideal place to do any of that. I guess my only "me-time" is on the train, the only time I get peace and quiet and do whatever I want to do without much distraction, so it is appreciated but again, not the best place to do it at. Everyday, I feel like I'm running around from one thing to the next, not much time to breathe, not much time to squeeze in social life, and whatever free time I have, I try to use it to do something productive, if not, then I'll just sleep.

In less than a month is my comps -- I've been trying to study but it's been pretty difficult to retain all this information and names that look the same. It is only by God's grace that I'm going to pass this exam.

 

I have 150 internship hours to complete in the next 7 weeks. That means I need to see about 11 clients a week without them cancelling and do about 10 additional administrative hours a week. Not sure how that's going to be achieved, but by God's grace, I'll be as close as I can get so that I can at least get an incomplete, and graduate by August. If I can't graduate by May, I'm not going to kill myself over it, I did what I can.

 

The other has been picking up my slack in terms of prepping for messages on Fridays and Sundays. That saves me a lot of time to try to do some other things. I do wish that I had more time to clean and make room to prep for the baby when the baby comes, but thus far, it's been pretty difficult to do that. I know that in the next couple of weeks, the senior pastor is going to be a little more lenient on me and not require me to always come in on Saturdays so that I could get some rest. During that time, I hope to be able to clean a little and just get some rest.

It's bummer because whatever little available time I have, I don't bother making plans with people lately because it's just difficult to spread myself thinner than I already am, but by God's grace, if he will allow me, all of this will get done!

This entry was just for me to vent to myself about how much I'm doing in so little time so that I can remind myself how ridiculous I am sometimes. God, I hope that eventually, I'll be able to balance my life in a more healthy and life-giving way.
 

Little Encouragement

There are many times where I'm tired and exhausted and weary and drained because of all the responsibilities that I am carrying, these times are one of them. This semester, I'm doing whatever I can to push myself to finish this internship because I just want to be over with this masters degree to be able to focus on the baby when he comes out. Anyway, I have anxiety over not being able to obtain enough clients and these snow days aren't helping at all. At the same time, since I have that horrible mentality of wanting to finish, sometimes it's hard to see if I'm making any sort of impact or help in any of my clients life because I'm so busy dealing with a thousand other things in life. But just a couple of minutes ago, I got an email from a client that didn't come back this semester. I've been seeing her just about every week for a year and a half. And there were many times, times were so hard even I doubted if there was any hope for her. But she sent me this email:

Hey Joan,

I wanted to share with you that last week I shared my entire testimony with the girls I am working with. It's still surreal to me that I was able to trust a group of females enough to be completely honest with. I wanted to thank you for always encouraging me, and for being patient with me through this journey.  You, better than anyone, know I have been looking forward to the day I would be able to stand and tell people my true story. I was more amazed at the fact I was also able to do it with very few tears, and I know I couldn't have gotten here without your help. 

Thank you again! 

Little things like this make what I do worth it, just those little things. It's worth it to sometimes to go that one extra yard and be tired if someone else was positively impacted by it. In the meantime, God, please give me strength, I can't do this on my own.